To feel uncomfortable with celebrity surrogacy?

[Username91]

After reading about Amber Herd having a baby girl via surrogate it just got me thinking about the amount of famous people who have children this way. I have nothing against surrogacy, it just seems to me that a lot of rich women choose to have children this way and I’m not convinced they ALL have problems carrying children themselves. I find it a bit disturbing and wondered if I’m alone in thinking this?

Once again I’d like to point out I’m not surrogacy bashing here. I just don’t think it should be something that is used by women with money as they don’t like the idea of carrying their own babies, of course it’s very different for women who struggle to conceive/carry themselves.

OhHolyJesus (are you really dear Lord :-)?:

"The focus is always on the desires of the commissioning parent or parents, it's never about the child at the centre and the woman who gives birth shuffles off home with cash in the bank to her own kids and family, or alone, with her pills to stop the milk coming in and the sanitary pads big enough to feel like an adult nappy, to recover and more often than not I think, do it all over again as soon as her body allows."
.......
Yes - and what about if she had to have an emergency Caesarian? It's horrible and it is selfish. I understand the desire for a child but some people are able to cope without resorting to using or hiring someone else's body for the purpose. It's even worse when it is a second child they are so desperate to have - they are extremely fortunate to have one!
I suppose they just don't think it out properly. If it was banned altogether they would have no choice!

@CounsellorTroi

I had fertility issues and never did have a child but we would never have considered using a surrogate.

Quite right Counsellor, good for you. I hope your life has been and continues to be, a good one.

I'm against surrogacy

If you can't get pregnant and want a baby then adopt

@M0nkeybars
Many of us are not judging, we are worried about the rise of normalising surrogacy and the huge health risks for a section of women in society this represents.

I have a history of late pregnancy loss that spanned several years.
But, my desire for parenthood can't warrant another woman risking her health to give me a baby, whether there is money involved or not.

In the UK, surrogacy is being aligned to the rights of the LGBT community in the mainstream media. Whether it's a heterosexual parents or a lone parent or parents from the LGBT community, expecting women to risk their health to provide a baby shouldn't be something we can readily commission.

@M0nkeybars

A lot of judgement on this thread. I'd be interested to know how many of those of you totally against surrogacy have struggled with infertility or have had multiple losses and surrogacy is one of the very few options available for you to have a child of your own? What about LGBT+ couples who can't carry a biological child? Or single people?

And please don't say "just adopt" - it's not that simple.

I agree that 'just adopt' is ridiculous and an insensitive suggestion. Adoption is not an easy process.

Personally there has been no struggle with infertility but I have been very close to some people who have had fertility problems. Not the same I know but I cannot imagine any of them hiring a surrogate. They were able to come to terms with it: one couple never had a child but had a blessed and useful life throughout their marriage, which they appreciated. Another couple did adopt two children. A relative of mine did eventually become pregnant after virtually giving up and had a much loved child, now adult. Someone else I knew remained bitter.

Regarding LGBT+ couples and single people, in past years they would have just known that having a child was not on the cards and lived their lives as fully as they could without. I've known a couple of gay couples who would never in a million years have thought of such a thing.

Nobody has a right to a child and you don't just have one because you want one, we all have things we would like but have to do without - and get on with it.

I wonder what happens if, and how often, a child born by surrogacy does not bond with his or her biological mother, or rather the mother does not bond with the child. We don't hear about that but it must happen.It's so unfair on the child. A baby is not a commodity. Those of us who have a child or children may be told we just don't understand but we are not stupid or totally lacking in empathy.

@M0nkeybars

A lot of judgement on this thread. I'd be interested to know how many of those of you totally against surrogacy have struggled with infertility or have had multiple losses and surrogacy is one of the very few options available for you to have a child of your own? What about LGBT+ couples who can't carry a biological child? Or single people?

And please don't say "just adopt" - it's not that simple.

I went through years of infertility. I'm against surrogacy. Near the end of our journey (we were lucky and have children now) I started to make peace with not having a child. Adoption wasn't an option for me so that left embracing a childless life.

I do empathise with people who have struggled to conceive, I imagine it must be very hard.

Buying a child is not a solution, and having a child is not a 'right'.

@Twizbe
Thanks for sharing, really pleased you have the family you waited so long for.

It took us forever to conceive our first child. So I've had my nose right up against my principles long enough to discount hypocrisy.

@grey12

I'm against surrogacy

If you can't get pregnant and want a baby then adopt

I’m iffy on surrogacy but I don’t like the rhetoric that says can’t get pregnant adopt. Adopted children shouldn’t be seen as a ‘last resort’ / back up plan for people who can’t have children by natural meals.

@ArabellaScott

I do empathise with people who have struggled to conceive, I imagine it must be very hard.

Buying a child is not a solution, and having a child is not a 'right'.

So many posters assuming if you’re infertile you’re pro surrogacy. It’s a lazy assumption.

I know a couple who had a child via a surrogate in Ukraine. I don’t understand why they didn’t do it in U.K. but they went off to Ukraine. When they came back with their baby, I asked how the birth mother was, and they looked a bit puzzled and said she was fine, they thought, she had left hospital the next day. Their concern for her and their gratitude for what she had done were non-existent. Especially as they had apparently mandated that she give birth without an epidural or other intervention unless medically necessary. I understand their sadness at being childless and their desperation but their attitude stank.

@MrsSchadenfreude

I know a couple who had a child via a surrogate in Ukraine. I don’t understand why they didn’t do it in U.K. but they went off to Ukraine. When they came back with their baby, I asked how the birth mother was, and they looked a bit puzzled and said she was fine, they thought, she had left hospital the next day. Their concern for her and their gratitude for what she had done were non-existent. Especially as they had apparently mandated that she give birth without an epidural or other intervention unless medically necessary. I understand their sadness at being childless and their desperation but their attitude stank.

My gosh that's awful. They mandated that she should not be given pain relief.

@Sleeplessem I know what you mean. To be honest with you, even though we have 3 kids, if we could afford it we would still adopt (can't afford a big enough house to give them their own space. It's tight as it is)

However, if we couldn't have kids, yes, adoption would be our choice.

I have this strong image in my head of a nice room full of surrogacy babies without mothers because of Covid travel restrictions how horrible!!!! That alone should make anyone's skin crawl

@M0nkeybars

A lot of judgement on this thread. I'd be interested to know how many of those of you totally against surrogacy have struggled with infertility or have had multiple losses and surrogacy is one of the very few options available for you to have a child of your own? What about LGBT+ couples who can't carry a biological child? Or single people?

And please don't say "just adopt" - it's not that simple.

I’m infertile and very anti-surrogacy.

After years of TTC/miscarriages/hospitalisations and all sorts of shit, I ‘just adopted’.

It’s those experiences that have led me to my anti-surrogacy position.

I nearly died through pregnancy, it’s not okay to expect someone else to take that risk for you.

And I see my DC every day struggling with issues of identity because they were separated from the birth family. (For good reason, but still.) In the adoption world, we know separating children from mothers causes huge harm, I don’t know how people can pretend it’s different in surrogacy.

What about LGBT+ couples who can't carry a biological child?

I mean you've got to be pretty tone deaf to think that people who believe surrogacy is unethical would change their mind for this reason...

M0nkeybars when you say "or single people" do you mean single men? Single women are no more likely than women in relationships to use surrogacy. Do you believe single men have a right to be provided with a newborn baby?

@womanity sorry you went through so much

You're right, the surrogate mothers are hardly mentioned or cared for. Anyone seen "the handmaid's tale"?? So it's super hard for those women to give away their "rape babies" but it's suddenly not if it's a surrogacy?......... because it doesn't come on TV with a nice production?........

[quote grey12]@Sleeplessem I know what you mean. To be honest with you, even though we have 3 kids, if we could afford it we would still adopt (can't afford a big enough house to give them their own space. It's tight as it is)

However, if we couldn't have kids, yes, adoption would be our choice.

I have this strong image in my head of a nice room full of surrogacy babies without mothers because of Covid travel restrictions how horrible!!!! That alone should make anyone's skin crawl[/quote]
I’ve always said 2 Bio children is my max and if we have the means to expand our family further it would be adoption.

I actually looked into it prior to having DD, and at least in the UK it does seem incredibly complex and long winded and apparently it’s costly too ( this is all third hand info) and whilst I get there is obviously need to caution and due diligence due to safeguarding and welfare, i do worry the yellow tape acts as a deterrent and then frankly it’s easier to ‘commission’ a surrogate in Eastern Europe

whatever you think about surrogacy, some of the opinions on here implying that children who are not biologically carried by their parents are traumatized are vile. Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Rather that kind people get have children however they can, than judgemental people reproduce themselves.

@M0nkeybars

A lot of judgement on this thread. I'd be interested to know how many of those of you totally against surrogacy have struggled with infertility or have had multiple losses and surrogacy is one of the very few options available for you to have a child of your own? What about LGBT+ couples who can't carry a biological child? Or single people?

And please don't say "just adopt" - it's not that simple.

Because to me the reason someone can't have a child is secondary to my moral stance on surrogacy. I'm sure it's incredibly painful to want a child and be unable to have one but it does not give you the right to rent out a woman's womb

@Babygotblueyes

whatever you think about surrogacy, some of the opinions on here implying that children who are not biologically carried by their parents are traumatized are vile. Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Rather that kind people get have children however they can, than judgemental people reproduce themselves.

Children separated from their mothers at birth experience a traumatic event. This is FACT. Whether they are able to recover from that or not, they still experience it. Whether they remember it or not, they still experience it. It's not 'vile' to state facts.

@M0nkeybars

A lot of judgement on this thread. I'd be interested to know how many of those of you totally against surrogacy have struggled with infertility or have had multiple losses and surrogacy is one of the very few options available for you to have a child of your own? What about LGBT+ couples who can't carry a biological child? Or single people?

And please don't say "just adopt" - it's not that simple.

As a bisexual woman (who has dated other women for years) and the daughter of a mother who produced several stillborn siblings after me - a child is a human being, not an object of desire. Nobody has the ‘right’ to a child. A child is not food, water or shelter.

Furthermore - LGBTQ+ couples can’t reproduce. This is natural. Why so many feel the need to override this I don’t understand. We can’t simultaneously say that we want to be the way nature intended AND then go along wanting to have our own biological children like straight couples. It blows my mind.

whatever you think about surrogacy, some of the opinions on here implying that children who are not biologically carried by their parents are traumatized are vile. Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Some DC will be emotionally damaged being removed at birth, similarly to babies born at risk removed.
I personally think there is a risk of emotional damage throughout their teenage years when they truly realise the story of their arrival and question who gave birth to them, why did she do it? Was she poor exploitable in a country with little respect for women? Was she trying to feed other DC.
It's like when men excuse renting the ladies in Thailand for a week as a guide and sex toy.
They excuse it thinking at least she's in a nice hotel, getting paid and fed.
If they were so concerned about her life give her the cash without expectation.

I actually looked into it prior to having DD, and at least in the UK it does seem incredibly complex and long winded and apparently it’s costly too ( this is all third hand info) and whilst I get there is obviously need to caution and due diligence due to safeguarding and welfare, i do worry the yellow tape acts as a deterrent and then frankly it’s easier to ‘commission’ a surrogate in Eastern Europe

Adopting in the U.K. doesn’t cost a penny. The process is straightforward but can be lengthy. I can imagine that it would be fairly hard for a U.K. power couple to get through the assessment because your need to demonstrate the child would come first, which is at odds with being too busy to carry a child or intending to leave its daily welfare to a fleet of nannies.