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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DS may be being groomed for county lines?

46 replies

countylines · 02/07/2021 09:57

DS aged 16 likely ASD/ADHD has never been included in any social groups at school. Has occasionally had one friend for a short time but never more than one and never had a sleepover. Everything has always ended in disaster for him with attempts at friendships or in most situations really.

He left school after GCSEs last month and is suddenly part of a big group of people whom I have rarely heard of from school and is at sleepovers in London (40 miles from where we live). He is 16 and might just leave if I grounded him as would see it as very unfair as I have no evidence of anything and he is on cloud nine at being included for the first time in his life.

I have told him to call me at any time of day or night and I will collect him without judgement and obviously warned him about county lines and any other criminal activity. Any other advice on what should I do?

Thank you

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 02/07/2021 09:59

It feels like a bit of a leap from what you've said... He might be 16 but you're within your tights to ask where he knows them from and other leading questions

Hijokp · 02/07/2021 10:00

You could call the non urgent local police station to ask to discuss the situation with an officer to get advice and also to get their assigned c. Lines officer to look into it?

Meruem · 02/07/2021 10:02

My DS got a big group of London friends after he left school, but they’re gamers. All they do is game! At each other’s houses, or at events they or others set up. Or they meet for food and talk about games! So you may just be jumping to conclusions. My DS also has ASD and was bullied at school but after he left he found his tribe. This could be all that’s going on here. Talk to him and ask what they do when they’re together.

Original poster
countylines · 02/07/2021 10:04

He is being very open and telling me all about them and there are names i have heard mentioned from school over the last 5 years just he has definitely never seen them out of school (or even spent lunch/break times with them to my knowledge). I asked why all having sleepovers now and he plausibly says they are all bored as having such a long holiday. Also some parents are away and leaving their kids now they are 16 so they can host huge sleepovers!!!

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BrownEyedGirl80 · 02/07/2021 10:04

Why would you let him go to sleep overs 40 miles away with people you don't know? Honestly not judging just wondering.

Branleuse · 02/07/2021 10:06

Who?
I feel like youre missing a lot of context here

Hijokp · 02/07/2021 10:08

Parents away? Huge sleepovers?... Drink and drug fuelled parties basically!

Original poster
countylines · 02/07/2021 10:08

Definitely not gamers! He seems fairly open to me about it all so I think he believes he is included for himself I am just worried why he is suddenly included and if it is grooming. He might do "anything" asked to have a friend as he has been so lonely for years and used to come across as very needy. Sometimes he would go to the park after school to try to join in and the others would ask him to leave

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Original poster
countylines · 02/07/2021 10:13

I dont know any of his school friends as he is not at a local school and these kids live 40 miles away from us. He has spoken of some of them over the last 5 years. For example he might have said I sit next to John in French and we both got sent out of the lesson today for talking. I have no way to meet them or know who their parents are. Some of the parents are on holiday anyway. I could have said no you cant go but what reasonable grounds would I have? He is 16 and excited to be finally included.

Branleuse - please can you clarify thanks.

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ChainJane · 02/07/2021 10:14

Definitely have an informal chat with the police. Give them the names and information of the people he is staying with, they might not necessarily be able to tell you the results but they will certainly be able to check up on them.

Busting county lines gangs relies on informal intelligence like this.

There is of course a realistic chance nothing untoward is going on, but it's best not to take the risk. Better to get the police involved before your son is involved in anything illegal than after.

Meruem · 02/07/2021 10:16

It sounds like you have a good relationship so I would just keep the lines of communication open. There does come a point where they have to learn to make their own decisions. As you say, you can’t ground him, he’s done nothing wrong as far as you know. Yes county lines is a thing, but it’s not as big of a thing as MN would have you believe! I’ve worked in the field so I do have some knowledge of the scale of the issue.

endofthelinefinally · 02/07/2021 10:19

I would be very concerned about this and I agree you should talk to the police. Your son is vulnerable and the whole county lines thing has got much worse recently.

FreeBritnee · 02/07/2021 10:20

I'm not sure what you can do really aside from keep commuication open. 16 is young to be sleeping around friends houses constantly. My parents gave me lots of freedom but i was checking in home regularly at that age even even i did sleep away from the house a lot.

I think you would be able to tell from his demenour if something is troubling him.. He'll start to become anxious or secretative, fearful.. He may have new clothes, a new phone, purchases thar he wouldn't usually be able to afford and will claim have been given to him.

ittakes2 · 02/07/2021 10:20

do you both have a find my friends app on your phones? That's one way of looking where he is going in london and checking it out when he is not around.

knackeredmumoftwo · 02/07/2021 10:24

It could be nothing or as you suspect county lines - I suggest taking to the safeguarding team at school as well as the local police abs they might be able to reassure or advise you as to which it might be - what a tough situation for you to be in

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 02/07/2021 10:29

Your reacting as though he’s an adult and can make his own decisions. He’s still a child, and a vulnerable one at that. He’s absolutely a prime target for being groomed, whether it be county lines or something else. You need to be intrusive with him in a friendly and non threatening way. There’s no way I would have allowed my 16 year old to have travelled to stay with people I didn’t know. I would speak to my local child sexual/criminal exploitation team. (I’m not suggesting any sexual is going on. I just know in my area they are a combined team). I disagree with @Meruem. It’s very much an up and coming area of crime, so much so that dedicated teams of Police are now operating to deal with it.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 02/07/2021 10:32

I don't have any advice I'm afraid OP, but I think your concerns are valid and I hope all is OK. I live opposite a crack den and seeing kids your son's age and younger coming and going just breaks my heart. They're so vulnerable.

Original poster
countylines · 02/07/2021 10:34

Do you think school would discuss it as officially they are not responsible for them after end of June as I had wanted to ring school and mention the names involved and see if they recommended I spoke to the police? Understand they wont discuss the other kids of course.

No apps on phones unfortunately.

I think at the moment he is very happy but he may be doing something dodgy just to be included as been excluded all his life.

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Original poster
countylines · 02/07/2021 10:40

Eleanor - what would you do ground your child? Lock him in the house/remove phone? He has ASD and would really struggle to see grounding as fair when he has been very open with me and answered everything I have asked which was quite detailed. If I had been his age I would never have forgiven my parents if they had ruined my first chance of a sleepover/friendship. My relationship with my parents would have broken down for life at the lack of trust. Luckily my parents showed me trust. I cant speak to the sleepover parents as they are on holiday and presumably unaware of how many kids are in their house. I accept it is not ideal kids are sleeping in their house if they dont know. Obviously the boy has told my son his parents are fine with it!

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sadperson16 · 02/07/2021 10:43

I'm not sure? Maybe he has just found some kids to hang about with? Now that school is over he is his own person?

MrsVeryTired · 02/07/2021 10:47

Can you offer to take him there? Then you would at least see where he is/who he is meeting. Then you could proceed from there if you get a bad vibe off the people/place.

Also have a DS (16) and wouldn't want him to stay anywhere that I didn't know where he was and if, as you say, he is open with you, he should be ok with you dropping him off.

TokyoSushi · 02/07/2021 10:50

I agree that it sounds concerning and he sounds very vulnerable/easily led. Where did he meet these people?

MMMarmite · 02/07/2021 10:51

Sounds like he is being completely open with you, and he's not done anything wrong. The friends' motives might be dodgy; on the other hand they might not.

At 16, grounding him without evidence of wrongdoing would be counterproductive. Soon he will be an adult and you'll have less control. I'd use this time, and the great relationship you have with him, to keep discussing all these situations with him, to help him learn to interpret social situations and notice red flags.

DulseSeaweed · 02/07/2021 10:58

Bless you, it's good you're aware and I think keeping communication without judgement is a really positive strategy.

Reading about him being turned away from the park brought tears to my eyes. I am crossing everything that he really has found some friends and is just enjoying being part of the crowd Flowers

Original poster
countylines · 02/07/2021 11:00

Tokyo - they are all from school. Most of the names are ones I have heard mentioned over the years but he has never socialized with them in any way.

MMMarmite - yes I agree. Any tips welcome as wanting to be included obviously makes him very vulnerable.

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