Boyfriends drinking habits. AIBU?!

[Tryingtobe123]

Never one to tell someone what they should and shouldn’t do. But over the past few years I’ve noticed my boyfriend drinking more and more. He hides it from me and I’d say he drinks probably 4-6 cans of beer every night consistently with more on the weekends. Am I being unreasonable to be telling him I’m slightly worried about his habits? It’s more the lying about it and hiding it. He comes to bed some nights and it smells like he’s been on a night out. It was his birthday 2 weeks ago and in those 2 weeks he’s drank the 3 big bottles of whiskey that he got gifted. He says he has no money for things but still manages to buy beer. Should he seek help for this? Will it escalate into something more sinister as time goes on?

We’ve spoken about it in the past and he has admitted that he has a ‘habit’ of drinking too much. But doesn’t seem willing to accept that maybe the habit is becoming something more serious. Should I push him more to seek some kind of help? AIBU? Overthinking it?!

YANBU, it sounds like he has an unhealthy drinking habit, and it's no fun living with someone like that. It will probably get worse, until/unless he decides that he wants to change and seeks help. I'd not stay with an alcoholic, having seen the misery that my father put my mother through. Think seriously about what you can expect from this man, and don't waste years waiting for him to change, because it probably won't happen.

YAB massively U to say you are only slightly worried

Honestly? As another child of an alcoholic I say run!

He is seriously drinking and it won't get any better until and unless he accepts that he is an alcoholic. And even then it's a tough long road.

I wouldn't stay with an alcoholic ever if I'm honest

What @Graphista said. I really don't think he's drinking only the amount you say, it sounds like he could be drinking much more.

You are well within your rights to raise this with him, however, please be aware that this doesn't mean he'll a) stop or cut down b) continue stopping or cutting down long term, even if he does short term (to pacify you).

As someone whose exDP recently died of alcoholic liver failure in their very early 40s, I hope you see this as a massive red flag and consider if this is what you want long term. How I wish I'd been braver pre children - would have saved so much hurt.

It's obviously too much.

The fact he's hiding it shows he's aware it's too much too.

You should be running for the hills.

Well, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, so you need to make your decisions / future plans based on that.

You can talk to him, discuss things, raise your concerns, etc, until the cows come home. But nothing’s going to change based on you doing these things.

Unless he thinks what he does is problematic, and is willing to do something about (it needs to actively be both these things - e.g. he might acknowledge A, but never do B), absolutely nothing will change.

Deal breaker.

Sorry OP, his drinking would be a deal breaker for me. His priority is drink.

YANBU but it's a very tricky situation. Sometimes pushing people when they aren't ready to change can alienate you from them.

You could have a conversation to say it's worrying you, and see how he reacts, see if he has any insight into the fact that there is a problem, it sounds like he does as he's admitted he has a habit of drinking too much.

Before you have that chat though ou need to pinpoint exactly why you're worried. Are you worried for his health? Are you worried only about lying/ secrecy and if he drinks out in the open that would be fine? Do you find the smell/ general idea of him drinking off putting?

How does he behave when drinking/ drunk? Has there been any impact there? This is the usual obvious outcome of having a partner who is an alcoholic - drunken behaviour, verbal or physical abuse, aggression etc.

If anything like that has happened then bring that up too when you talk to him about how concerned you are and the possible future of your relationship.

There are many valid reasons to be worried abotu someone drinking a lot, if you want to talk to him you have to be very clear about why you're concerned and the impact you think it might have on your relationship in the future. Also be clear with yourself and with him what you're prepared to put up with. Looking long term you could be lumbered with an alcoholic husband if you're not careful, is that really something you could cope with? If it's not, make it clear - both to him and to yourself - that there need to be certain standards if he wants a future with you.

3 bottles of whisky in 2 weeks seems a hell of a lot plus beers every night. That's definitely into problem territory.

What's your situation otherwise.

"It’s more the lying about it and hiding it."

This is a bad argument to make to someone who dependant, unless you're not going to get in a mood when they fail.

Distraction is useful if you want to help him, you know the risk time for him so perhaps find something he enjoys doing with you you can do at that time.

Ie go to bed at the same time, maybe start late when he normally goes than together work forwards to your bed time

"Small beers" are another good one it's not thier size it's thier percentage it refers too about 0.5-2% and they're brewed for that percentage unlike low alcohol beers which are brewed higher then have thier percentage reduced which can taste bad.

It will give him the sensation, and fill the habitual habit to drink but reduce his alcohol.

He can have his 4 or 5 a nice but only really be consuming as much as 1 or 2 depending on his normal drink.

Won't lie to you and say it's easy it's hard, and he'll be moody and uncomfortable through it and that will strain you and your relationship.

It's up to you thought to decide if that's something you're willing to take on or if the relationship isn't worth the harm to you for however long it will take.

Ultimatums really don't work thought "it's me or the beer" will just translate to more hiding behaviour

Run and don’t look back, he’ll ruin your life.

He's an alcoholic, he just hasn't accepted it yet.

"Over the past few years"

Yep.. run

@Holothane

Run and don’t look back, he’ll ruin your life.

Yes. I stupidly married a man like this. Thought he would change. He did not change. Get out now.

You need to leave. Don’t waste your life trying to fix him.
No doubt he will beg you to stay and say that he will cut down/give up drinking. He won’t.

Could you live separately and still see him once a week, if you want to, he must spend lots of money on booze which is money you need for food and bills.

Having just let my an alcoholic after 15 years - trust me it never gets better. Go now before you have kids and life gets complicated. Don’t bury your head in the sand. Trust your instincts. That is totally an abnormal amount of alcohol. Have better standards for yourself, expect more

So...
He drinks every day
He drinks way more than the recommended maximum weekly amount
He lies about and hides his drinking
His drinking causes financial issues
He prioritises drinking over other things
From the sounds of it he drinks alone.
He admits his drinking is a "habit"
This has been the case for a significant period of time.

If this isn't the definition of bring an alcoholic, what do you think is? This isn't "becoming serious"; this has been serious for a long time. When you ask "will this escalate into something more sinister?" - it's already sinister.

OP I think you decide whether you want to live like this and then - if you want to be with him - give him one time-limited shot to get help. The reality is if you stay you are likely to spend the rest of your relationship like this until he feels ready to change. If the risk of losing you over it doesnt motivate him to change the first time you say it, it never will.

YANBU and you are not overthinking it. He is very clearly an alcoholic.

What you have to get your head around, though, is that this is unlikely to change just because you have a word with him, nag him, ask him to to go to the GP/AA, whatever. Particularly, as you say, if he does not really recognise that there's a problem.

I was married to someone like this for 11 years and I thought concern and discussions would help and they didn't. It nearly drove me nuts.

I got to a point where I had to make a choice between whether I would prefer him with the drinking or to walk away and I'm afraid it was a no brainer.

You can't force an alcoholic to stop. At the moment its more important to him than you are (to be blunt). You have to be prepared to be the change you want, not expect it to come from him. That way madness lies. If you want your life back, leave.

Do you have children?

He's alcohol dependent. That isn't going to change unless and until he wants it to and by that time things are likely to be much, much worse. The fact that he's coming to bed smelling of the stuff is a bad sign. You should end the relationship and save yourself years of heartache - like many others on your thread, mine is the voice of experience.

Hi all, yes we have a son. He’s my priority. I don’t want him growing up around this. I feel like it’s only going to get worse. We’ve had countless conversations about how he will change, he’s been to his GP. Nothing changes. It’s like it comes to a head, we talk about it, he gets angry, then he gets upset, says he’ll do something this time, attempts to, nothing happens and then we’re back to the start again

He’s an alcoholic . I live with one. He won’t change until he reaches rock bottom and , believe me, rock bottom is further down than you will ever believe. Even then they will still go back to drinking.
Our GP got my husband involved in a local charity that supports alcoholics/drug addicts. He’s always busy with it but I know he still occasionally has a drink.
So the only question to ask yourself is do you want to put up with it?
Try joining Al-Anon - it’s a support group for the families of alcoholics but my advice is to tell him to leave. You are young enough to make a life for yourself and your son and the situation is only going to get worse.

YANBU.
He is drinking too much.