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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that she's in contact again?

43 replies

Bloballbovish · 01/07/2021 21:47

My DW (I'm a woman too just to clarify) had a drunken kiss with a friend a couple of years ago. She swore it meant nothing, promised me they'd have no more contact, I saw messages to the friend saying this, that she couldn't risk losing me and had to prioritise me.

I have just found out that they're in touch again. Messaging each other most days, mostly friendly stuff, sometimes DW complaining about me, but nothing flirty or sexual. They seem close, DW saying how much she appreciates the other woman, that she's one of the best friends she's ever had and however it's a shame they can't be openly friends. The friend has been saved as a different name, so she's no intention of being open about it.

Aibu to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Izzycat28 · 01/07/2021 22:16

YANBU it’s more about the fact that she can’t be open with you about the friendship rather than the previous kiss. I wouldn’t be happy either, but I guess all you can do is speak to her about it in a non confrontational way and take it from there?

AnyFucker · 01/07/2021 22:21

That would be finito for me

Terrysmyorange · 01/07/2021 22:24

Nope, game over for me. Trust has gone. The lying and being deceitful with saving contact details under a different name.

Wallywobbles · 01/07/2021 22:30

Can you add yourself into the chat?

MegaClutterSlut · 01/07/2021 22:31

She knows that by having contact with her she could lose you and that wasn't enough to stop her. Her priorities are clear imo

Lollypop701 · 01/07/2021 22:58

It may have meant nothing to your partner. She has no idea what it means to the other person. She definitely knows how you feel. She is prioritising herself and she is lying to you. She knows she’s wrong but doesn’t care enough to put you first. Definitely nbu

80sPadme · 01/07/2021 23:03

@AnyFucker

That would be finito for me
Totally be it for me too, it's lying by omission which is where I draw the line
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/07/2021 23:32

I think this is emotional affair territory. Its prioritising this friend over your relationship. It's not lying by omission, she has actively hidden it by putting a false name in her phone. Also moaning about you to someone she has kissed is crossing a massive emotional line

Seesawmummadaw · 02/07/2021 00:07

Saving her under a different name is enough for me.

Leeds2 · 02/07/2021 00:12

How did you find out?

It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Drivingmeupthewall · 02/07/2021 00:15

This is a betrayal of the highest order. I too would consider this the end of my relationship. Sad

MorriseysGladioli · 02/07/2021 00:21

I would be too suspicious to allow it to continue, because I think it's fairly clear that it is going to head in one direction, sooner or later.
That said, it's a huge decision which only you can make.
Were they close friends before the kiss?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2021 00:23

Yeah it’s a betrayal.

GreenPixieHat · 02/07/2021 00:35

It would be game over if I discovered this.

Your partner is clearly not content with your relationship that she feels the need to do this. Not only is the trust gone but so the respect - with her complaining about you to this other woman.

Bin her off and find someone who deserves you.

peachyandkeen · 02/07/2021 00:52

LTB - pronto!

No but really - that would be it for me. It’s a huge betrayal. Unless she agreed to couples counselling. Do you think you’d be willing to give that a try?

Very VERY poor behaviour though. She knows what she’s risking. And if they are so close as to refer to her as a best friend then this must be an enduring secret friendship?

SupermanInk · 02/07/2021 01:13

I wouldn’t put up with that. The relationship would be over for me.

Rosebel · 02/07/2021 09:46

How do you know it's this woman if she's under a different name?
If you are certain then I'd be leaving too. She knew how you felt but carried on regardless. It's a huge betrayal of trust.

BingBongToTheMoon · 02/07/2021 09:55

That would be me done too I’m afraid.

tenredthings · 02/07/2021 10:01

I personally would choose to beleive that my partner was with me because they love me more and not I'd stand in the way of my partners friendships.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/07/2021 10:09

It’s a Nope from me. She lied and is betraying you. She will do it again. I’d be out of there.

Original poster
Bloballbovish · 02/07/2021 11:05

I know it's the same woman because in the actual conversation, DW refers to her by name and also, just the things and people they're talking about. And the fact that they've alluded to not being able to be open about the friendship.

OW is in a relationship with a man at the moment but I'm pretty sure she was when they kissed, I don't know if she's bi or just curious but I don't really care, it's more about my DW's attitude than anything.

OP posts:
peachyandkeen · 02/07/2021 11:20

Well yes, I’d say OWs sexuality is completely immaterial here. And you can never know her sexuality anyway, unless she tells you.

What’s important is your DWs slippery relationship with the truth and where you feel you’d like to go from here.

Are you going to confront her? Do you have DC?

Viviennemary · 02/07/2021 11:22

She is not to be trusted. You should end the relationship.

Original poster
Bloballbovish · 02/07/2021 11:42

Yes we have young DC. When I spoke to her after they kissed, she was horrible for ages, blaming me for it. Told me I'd been preoccupied with the kids and she'd felt neglected. But I thought we'd got past it.

Nothing untoward seems to be happening between them, but I feel like I can't trust anything she tells me if she's going to lie like this, it's making me feel paranoid about anything she says.

OP posts:
peachyandkeen · 02/07/2021 12:04

@Bloballbovish

Yes we have young DC. When I spoke to her after they kissed, she was horrible for ages, blaming me for it. Told me I'd been preoccupied with the kids and she'd felt neglected. But I thought we'd got past it.

Nothing untoward seems to be happening between them, but I feel like I can't trust anything she tells me if she's going to lie like this, it's making me feel paranoid about anything she says.

You say nothing untoward is happening but what happens if/when this slides into emotional affair territory?

I honestly think you need to sit down and have a chat (away from the DC). Be calm and also tell her that you will not tolerate any blaming of you for her actions. This is highly deceitful behaviour - not necessarily unforgivable - that's a matter for you, but you do, at the very very very least, need to have an open and honest discussion about it.