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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that she's in contact again?

43 replies

Bloballbovish · 01/07/2021 21:47

My DW (I'm a woman too just to clarify) had a drunken kiss with a friend a couple of years ago. She swore it meant nothing, promised me they'd have no more contact, I saw messages to the friend saying this, that she couldn't risk losing me and had to prioritise me.

I have just found out that they're in touch again. Messaging each other most days, mostly friendly stuff, sometimes DW complaining about me, but nothing flirty or sexual. They seem close, DW saying how much she appreciates the other woman, that she's one of the best friends she's ever had and however it's a shame they can't be openly friends. The friend has been saved as a different name, so she's no intention of being open about it.

Aibu to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:

DeathStare · 02/07/2021 12:10

Nothing untoward seems to be happening between them
The fact that they are conspiring together to deceive you is something untoward. You deserve to be with someone who won't do that.

peachyandkeen · 02/07/2021 12:42

@DeathStare

Nothing untoward seems to be happening between them The fact that they are conspiring together to deceive you is something untoward. You deserve to be with someone who won't do that.

I agree.

TiredButDancing · 02/07/2021 12:47

@DeathStare

Nothing untoward seems to be happening between them The fact that they are conspiring together to deceive you is something untoward. You deserve to be with someone who won't do that.

Agree.

Also, alarm bells would have been ringing fr me when she blamed YOU for HER bad behaviour originally. So because you were focused on the DC (you don't specify ages or who is the gestational parent nor who was the "primary" parent but I'm guessing the DC were younger and you were more heavily involved in their care) that justified her behaving badly then . I bet she has some justification for why it's okay to a) go behind your back b) develop a relationship that she knows is wrong.

Sorry OP, I think this one will be hard to come back from.

Freckers · 02/07/2021 13:01

@Bloballbovish

Yes we have young DC. When I spoke to her after they kissed, she was horrible for ages, blaming me for it. Told me I'd been preoccupied with the kids and she'd felt neglected. But I thought we'd got past it.

Nothing untoward seems to be happening between them, but I feel like I can't trust anything she tells me if she's going to lie like this, it's making me feel paranoid about anything she says.

TBF on that update you were perhaps unreasonable for taking her back the first time. If she was blaming you for it then she wasn't totally sorry.

KarmaStar · 02/07/2021 13:48

What do you want?
This friendship obviously means something to her and it's clear she won't be giving it up.
If you cannot live with this then you should tell her and then walk away or ,if you want to,give her the chance to prove herself.
Were you having a bad patch last time?
Will you trust her again?
Was it just a drunken kiss and you've said it's her or me,forcing her to choose?
If you feel the trust has gone then break off now.
You have to sit down and think about everything,we are only hearing one side to this and it's very easy to advise you to leave based on that,but try asking someone who knows you both but is not on anyone's 'side'.
It could be,she will see it as she and this friend are close,you two were having issues and she was upset,stupidly got drunk and had a kiss,immediately regretted it and agreed,or even suggested,not contacting friend again but missed her and just wanted to be friends but knew you'd hate it,and maybe felt you were punishing her unfairly but not allowing this friendship?
I don't know.she knows and she is the one you should sit down with and both of you properly listen,not wait for them to finish speaking so you can you your pieces,but really hear each other.then agree to part of move on.don't be afraid to try and see both sides of the story.
Good luck.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2021 13:49

@AnyFucker

That would be finito for me

Me too. Bottom line is she is emotionally intimate at the least with this woman and lying to you about it. The trust has gone.

I appreciate its difficult with children but there is no point being in a relationship without trust.

Original poster

Bloballbovish · 02/07/2021 18:19

I do appreciate all the 'leave' responses, and tbh I have seriously considered it and it is good to hear I'm not alone in having this reaction. But thank you @KarmaStar for a different perspective. We've had a lot of bad patches and the kiss, although drunken, was definitely from an attraction on DW's part, hence why I told her she'd have to cut contact.

The thing that worries me is if I give her another chance to prove herself, I don't know how to do it. I could ask for us to have an open phone policy so I could check whenever I want. But she could just delete messages as they are received/sent. I thought about having this policy but secretly putting a keylogger on her phone to check, but then realised how fucked up this was and how it completely defeats the point of trying to work it out. Bottom line is,, I don't know how she can prove herself. The kiss was 3 years ago, so I did think it was well and truly buried, so how long will it take until I feel secure again this time around? I honestly don't think I can.

I understand what you said about talking about it calmly, but I know she won't, and it'll involve reams of texts about how awful I am, and she'll try to make out that I'm ridiculous for being so bothered by it, which is why I wanted the perspective of others first.

OP posts:

LemonFantaGin · 02/07/2021 19:16

I admire how calm you are being, its very easy to fly off the rails with something like this.

I think you should spend the weekend away, alone and think about what you want in life, if you could now look past the deceit.

An open phone policy it just outrageous, you need trust in relationship and that's not checking each others phones all the time.

Take time to think about where you want this relationship to go, and if realistically, you can see it heading there after this has happened, if not, you have to make some hard decisions, but think of your happiness, and the future, a sad bitter relationship is not healthy for anyone, without adding children into the mix.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2021 20:04

I give her another chance to prove herself, I don't know how to do it. I could ask for us to have an open phone policy so I could check whenever I want. But she could just delete messages as they are received/sent. I thought about having this policy but secretly putting a keylogger on her phone to check, but then realised how fucked up this was and how it completely defeats the point of trying to work it out.

But this is the whole point. Once you've got to the point in a relationship where someone is having to prove to you that they're not having an affair with someone they've already had an affair with and you're thinking about putting a keylogger on their phone, the ship has sailed. The trust is dead.

This is just no way to live, OP.

I appreciate you have children and its not necessarily as simple as "just leave". But you surely must realise you can't continue like this?

RealBecca · 02/07/2021 20:07

She is proving herself. Proving herself a liar.

You absolitely cannot go down the route of controlling her, it isnt healthy.

You need to leave her or accept it amd let them be open

drpet49 · 02/07/2021 20:07

* When I spoke to her after they kissed, she was horrible for ages, blaming me for it. Told me I'd been preoccupied with the kids and she'd felt neglected. But I thought we'd got past it.*

^Typica gaslighted and massive red flag. OP you sound like a complete walk over. Your wife is making a fool out of you and this marriage but you can’t see the wood for the trees. Get a grip

Original poster

Bloballbovish · 02/07/2021 20:09

I know. But we've been together nearly 18 years and the idea of separating seems so daunting. It's not so much the loss of love, it's the loss of all the small things. The expectations of the future, all wiped out and now totally different. The little habits and the rituals.

OP posts:

RealBecca · 02/07/2021 20:12

Controlling isnt acceptable behaviour.

Neither is stalking, hitting, intimidating etc.

You cant choose to be "just" controlling. Its never ok. Its not a reasonable choice. Ever.

TheVolturi · 02/07/2021 20:12

She sounds like a real bitch op, get rid.

Original poster

Bloballbovish · 02/07/2021 20:12

Typica gaslighted and massive red flag. OP you sound like a complete walk over. Your wife is making a fool out of you and this marriage but you can’t see the wood for the trees. Get a grip

Actually, the other night she called me emotionally abusive and gaslighting. I'd been upset about something and she'd ignored me. So I asked why later and she just went on about how I was trying to control how she reacted and how I was emotionally abusing and gaslighting her. But the more I think about the things she says like that, the more important think maybe she's gaslighting me.

OP posts:

Anythingelseintheboxpandora · 02/07/2021 20:19

Have you been reading her messages on the sly? You must have had reason to do that. So maybe it was never as buried as you thought it was?

No judgement here by the way. I’ve seen posts on here where people have said they could get over it if their partner had kissed someone else, as long as it went no further. Not me though. It would never be the same again.

Original poster

Bloballbovish · 02/07/2021 22:08

Have you been reading her messages on the sly? You must have had reason to do that. So maybe it was never as buried as you thought it was?

Well I thought it was, and then she started acting really weird about messages from this name I didn't know, so I looked even though I knew I shouldn't. But it was just like when the stuff with this OW was first going on and it all came flooding back. I didn't actually expect to see that this new name was just a cover up for the same woman. That knocked me more than anything. A new flirtation, I'd be pissed off obviously. But this woman again, after admitting attraction to her and kissing her, just makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 02/07/2021 23:42

You can't trust her anymore. You gave her the opportunity to cut the friendship and the fact she's now hiding it means you'll never know what else she's hiding.

I agree with all the leave responses. It's hard after a long relationship but it's that or risk her continuing with this woman and whoever else she takes a liking to if she knows you'll stick around regardless.

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