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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think DH is being unappreciative?

32 replies

ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 20:08

I take a day off work a week to look after our preschooler and DC1 (who’s at primary school). Its a busy day playgroup,crafts, school run, park then a sports class for older DC. A few times at 7pm I’ve said to DH ‘I’m really tired as I’ve had the kids all day can you take over now?’. He always makes a point of saying ‘No you haven’t. DC1 has been at school.’. He’s just said it to me again and I got really angry at him and told him he sounds unappreciative of what I’m doing for the family. Being part-time actually makes it very difficult at work in my current job, as well as the fact that both my kids are very high energy so it is a non-stop day. DH says he is just stating the facts. I say in the context of what I’ve just said it’s not a nice comment to keep making to your wife AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2021 20:11

He sounds like a selfish prick. What exactly is he good for?

cariadlet · 01/07/2021 20:18

I'm very literal and quite pedantic (I blame my autism 😕) so I probably would have said the same thing because you haven't "had the kids all day".

On the other hand, it does sound a really full on day. No wonder you're knackered and need a break in the evening.

LannieDuck · 01/07/2021 20:21

Next time phrase it differently (and don't make it optional): "Hey DH, I've had DC2 all day. It's your turn to look after them for a bit."

BeatieBourke · 01/07/2021 20:37

YANBU. I mean, he's technically correct, bit he's massively missing the point which I expect deep down he knows. Fact tennis to confuse the main point is a favoured method of my DH too.

Can't offer any advice. DH has just been on a two day walking jolly with his mates. Came in earlier, threw a filthy towel on the floor and said "put that in the wash would do?" Then fart arsed around the house for the rest of the afternoon while I tidied up, took DC to football and cooked the tea. He's currently sulking because he can tell I'm wound up but is pretending he doesn't know why.

honeylulu · 01/07/2021 20:38

I'd say well if you think it's such a doddle you won't mind taking over, can't have it both ways!

User0ne · 01/07/2021 20:51

Yanbu but do you have to do so much on that day? I couldn't be bothered with all the running around. I'd do the playgroup (as a break for me) and either the park or sports club. Cut yourself some slack

mommybear1 · 01/07/2021 21:19

I'd go with honeylulu's approach - if it's not hard you do it. I find my DH capitulates pretty quickly when I suggest a role swap 😁.

Thelnebriati · 01/07/2021 21:24

YANBU but change the way you ask. Just say 'please mind the kids for an hour'.

ScabbyHorse · 01/07/2021 21:26

Can you find a nice yoga class and just go to that (or lie in the park instead)

ScabbyHorse · 01/07/2021 21:29

Also - I know exactly what you mean as my DP is like that and goes on about 'stating facts'. It's so so annoying. I'm dying to say that back to him one day! I think the thing that works for me anyway is to make a joke out of it but it's hard at the time if you are feeling resentful. Put yourself first as that is what they do. It's hard with young kids though and I really empathise.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/07/2021 21:34

Arrange a day out for you on your "day off" and he can stay home and deal with everything that you normally do (I'd throw in a few things that need to be done that he wouldn't normally even consider as well. See how well he can multi task 😁). Preferably stay at a friend's the night before so he gets the full experience of getting them up, fed, & out the door on time.
Shouldn't be a problem considering how easy he thinks it is.

ScabbyHorse · 01/07/2021 21:46

What @CoffeeBeansGalore said

Recessed · 01/07/2021 21:55

Don't ask - tell. When I was a SAHM I'd tell my husband. "Right they're in their pajamas, you're doing teeth and stories" and I'd go make myself a cup of tea and ignore them all. Being at home all day with small children is relentless. My job is what most consider "high stress" but I find it a doddle compared to days at home with the DC. YANBU he is a selfish idiot. Surely he knows entertaining them all is no picnic? Or is he another useless one who never does his fair share?

Onlinedilema · 01/07/2021 21:58

Does he not want to engage with his own children?
What a dick.

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 22:02

To be fair technically he is correct, you’ve not had th kids all day one of them was at school all day. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 22:02

@LannieDuck but that wouldn’t be true either. I’ve had both kids from 3pm - 6:30pm today as well as having DC2 all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 22:09

@Bluntness100 technically DC1s not been at school ‘all day’ either though either? School finished at 3pm. did he collect himself from school and look after himself til 6:30pm when DH came home?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 22:12

@CoffeeBeansGalore I guess this is part of the problem because he would point blank refuse to take the day off work to look after them under any circumstances. Hes literally never done that in their lives. He will look after them at the weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 22:18

@User0ne yes sometimes we do have a quieter day like TV time after playgroup or something, but there’s no getting away from them being high energy. DM says she finds the same when she looks after them. It’s definitely getting better as they get older and more independent and we’re steering them into sport to get the energy out that way (hence the class!). Id like to be able to ask for help at 7pm regardless of the activities we do though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 22:20

A few people saying don’t ask just tell. I think that’s worth a go!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 22:42

@Recessed you’ve made me realise something. he only looks after them at weekends or evenings either with me or for 1-2 hours without me (when I go to the gym a few times a week) especially since covid as I’ve not had anywhere else to go! Pre-covid whenever I tried to go somewhere for more than a few hours he took the kids to his mums. So I actually don’t think he knows what a whole day is like as he’s never done it.....maybe I need a Saturday away to rectify this!

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/07/2021 22:45

Just a thought. Will your "d"h be taking any time off at home during the summer? I would be saying that I was going out for the day with a friend, and go. Don't come back until after they should be in bed. If he is at home anyway there is no excuse for him not looking after them.

Preferably have dc1 booked into a holiday activity so he can do a drop off & pick up whilst entertaining dc2 (so similar to a school day). You can phrase it as it will be easier for him as he will ONLY have to look after dc2 for the day as dc1 will be occupied.

Mrstamborineman · 01/07/2021 22:48

Well one child or 6 hours day is not children all day. At 7 they would be going to bed ??

Recessed · 01/07/2021 23:03

Goodness! He's never done a full day and your eldest is school age?! That says it all really. Useless arsehole.

Thelnebriati · 02/07/2021 13:42

@ChocolateCookies123

A few people saying don’t ask just tell. I think that’s worth a go!
The reason I said it is because its very easy to fall into the habit of asking permission. Its possible you ask permission because that's how you were taught to ask for what you need; but its also possible your partner expects you to do that.

Try to be assertive instead. People who are used to you being a pleaser won't like it, but its not healthy being a doormat. It can cause anxiety because you worry too much about others, and you never get what you want or need.