To change dd’s school?

[WhoisRebecca]

Help! Dd, 15 has had MH issues and has been hospitalised twice after taking small overdoses. She sometimes self harms and her trigger is friendship issues at school. She suffers from emotional disregulation and is volatile. CAMHS have been involved since January; they suggested autism could be an issue and we have just involved a private psychiatrist who also thinks autism and ADHD are the appropriate pathways.

We are awaiting diagnosis. School have put a flexible timetable in place, however dd is now refusing to attend - saying she can’t cope with the friendship issues and nasty texts that haven’t been dealt with. I suspect dd also sends texts back as she is reactive and doesn’t help herself, but I can’t use normal parenting strategies with her as she goes nuclear and will hurt herself or run away/put herself in danger. When there are few demands placed on her, she is pleasant and calm.

She hasn’t been to school since Monday afternoon and yesterday she went for a walk at about 4pm and was seen near school with a friend. Attendance are now querying whether her absences should be authorised.

Dd thinks a change of school will be a fresh start, but that will involve a train and a 20 minute walk, plus starting in y11 will be hard.

But at the moment, she’s barely attending and when she is in, she’s not in class.

I have no idea where to go from here.

Her dad (we are divorced) thinks I’m not being tough enough with her. I don’t want another hospital visit and I think for her to be so averse to school, there’s clearly a problem.

I suspect this is a particularly tricky case, as neither school, nor the psychiatrist or CAMHS seem to know what to do.

This is very tricky, but ultimately she needs an education and to get out of this current negative cycle, perhaps the new school might help do that?

Yeah…. If she’s going to go, I’d probably let her.

Yep that’s my gut feeling too. DH (stepdad) thinks she might just encounter issues at the new school and it will be even harder to get her in, but I think we’ve reached the end of the road and have no choice.

My DD was hospitalised for a long time about 18 months ago. Prior to that,she managed to lurch through her GCSEs in Y11, mostly working at home because she couldn't go into school. I would do ANYTHING to stop all that if I could, so if your DD is keen to go to the new school, I would say go for it. Best of luck, its so hard having a child with mental health issues to this degree.

That sounds tough.
Normally I'd think that it would be worth sucking it up for the sake of a year because a fresh start is on its way anyway, but a year stressing about your DD and potentially her not going to school sounds pretty hard too so I'd probably go for the new school.
Do you think there is any chance that things may calm down over the summer enough for things to settle back to normal enough for her to stay put?

It sounds like a stressful time for you too, I hope you’re ok.

The fact that she’s open to going to a different school rather than refusing education point blank, is positive. I’d let her move school.

Hmm I’m not sure it will settle down to be honest.

I’d say go for it - it sounds like you’ve reached an impasse and it might just be the fresh start she needs. Good luck

Thank you - it has been unbelievably hard, but I think this could be a positive move. It is almost as bad as it could get, so there doesn’t seem much risk really.

Sounds like worst that can happen is it is as bad as it is right now but there is hope that things will improve so a no brainer really.
I think giving her the control over her life to make a change will be good for her too

Have you asked about home tutors? On medical grounds a local authority has an obligation to provide tutoring.

It's EOTAS, educated other than at school. (Terms may have changed since I was last involved with is, and then only peripherally). Your child has to be registered at a school, but unable to attend due to emotional or medical needs. Camhs can refer for this.

It's difficult to get as expensive, and she may not be able to sit all exams. It depends what the trade off is. I know a number of pupils who have sat the core GCSE subjects this way, then gone on to different colleges etc.

It may not be suitable, but worth considering if it breaks the school/fear cycle.

I don't know a lot about it, but it's there, if not we'll publicised.

Dd disclosed that she was sexually assaulted by a boy (not at her school) a few months ago. She has been bottling it up. I wonder if this could be the cause of the difficulties she’s had. We are waiting for the police to see her.

I would certainly let her start afresh at a new school if she seems keen, and you think she will settle. Would it be possible to start in Year 10, so that she could do the whole of the GCSE syllabus in the new school? It might be very difficult if the new school doesn’t, for example, offer the same subjects, syllabi, set books etc.

What does her father think should be done? Would he be prepared to oversee her staying at the existing school?

He thinks I should be tougher on her and remove PlayStation, phone and pocket money if she won’t go in. I told him about the sexual assault she disclosed today though so I think he’s probably a bit more understanding now.

I’d say definitely find your DD a new school, it’s what she needs right now. In the meantime, housemdwaswrong’s suggestion is definitely worth pursuing.

I’m so sorry your DD has been through all this.

I contacted the potential new school and they weren’t encouraging about the idea of her starting in year 11 and felt talking to her current school might be a better bet.
The police are here tomorrow to talk to us.

Is it possible to Home Educate - most girls in this position thrive when Home Educated and mixing within the Home Education community.

I would if I thought she would cooperate but my experience of lockdown was that she became nocturnal and did nothing.
We have a police interview later this week, so that will be stressful.

Bump

Have you heard of PDA, it's part of the Autistic spectrum which might explain some of the volatile behaviour your dd gives you and others, her need for less demands and control over herself and situations.

Google it and see if her profile fits.

As for school could she go to the local community college (higher education) instead? They usually take them from 14 years old. That way she can choose the subjects she wants to study and be away from the drama of school.

Yes, that’s dd. I’ve googled pda and it’s her.
Will have a look.

Tbh I would remove her from school altogether, she has the rest of her life to pass any needed tests/exams if she wants to in the future, her mental health is far more important at the moment and has probably been destroyed struggling against others expectations. Start to build a relationship using PDA strategies.
Your probably already doing some of them instinctively. Talk to her about how this may be the reason shes constantly struggling and that it's not her fault and you'll do everything you can to help her find her way in life. It doesnt have to follow the standard pathway of education. Knowing your on her side rather than trying to make her do something she doesnt want to/ cant do will help her. She needs understanding and alot of forgiveness as she tries to understand herself.
What does she like doing? Hobbies?
Maybe get involved in these yourself if she will let you. Work alongside each other to help her recover from school/life trauma shes had up to now. Give her space when she needs it.

Have you considered a PRU fewer pupils more individual attention, less likely to be friendship issues.
Resolved all a friends sons issues going for year 11. He is now settled at college going regularly. He just needed a year of the PRU.