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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to avoid pil visit again

46 replies

Hothammock · 01/07/2021 06:28

Aibu to resist a PIL visit? We have builders in, it's a long complex build and we are living in it at the same time, plus working from home. I'm just focused on surviving the week and making it all as calm as poss for the kids. Anyone who has lived through a build knows how tough this is but it is all worth it in the end, I hope.

My MIL is pushing me to come and visit. She is not interested in the build, she likes to be waited on. I have zero appetite for this at the moment. Plus as we get through to the end stages we need to do jobs on the weekend to keep things moving.
DH is just ignoring her so she is pestering me and it's adding stress to the situation. I suppose I also feel guilty.

Plus, she has found out that other relatives are coming to visit and are even staying over. They are however a completely different set of visitors who are interested in the project and will muck in and actually support us at a time when we are under quite a bit of pressure.

We have visited pil 3 times this year so it's not like we don't see them at all. They aren't interested in having the kids for us to help out or anything like that, when we visit its about us doing jobs for them. I just feel we have way to much on our plate at the moment.

Aibu and being mean or ainbu and it is OK to make them wait for a more convenient time.

And if anyone can give me some wording that would be amazing as I have lost my powers of kind speech amidst all the dust and frustration.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/07/2021 06:35

Keep referring her back to her son who should be saying no to her. Also say no yourself

That’s not convenient at the moment

Mumdiva99 · 01/07/2021 06:35

The fact.ypu are having visitors and they are staying g makes this very difficult.
If it's either your parents or other members of her family she will be feeling very hurt that you are having them and not her. That's what you need to focus on. We'll actually your OH needs to focus on - his mum.

I don't think you are necessarily being unreasonable but it might look that way to her.

violetbunny · 01/07/2021 06:36

Just say, sorry it's not convenient for us at the moment.
Or even better, direct her back to DH!
If he own son doesn't even want her to visit I don't think you should feel guilty for not wanting to entertain the idea.

Billybagpuss · 01/07/2021 06:40

Say you’ll be delighted to see them, you won’t be able to host them as you normally would as it’s reached a critical stage where it’s all hands on deck and you’d love for them to pitch in. Then make a big deal about what your other guests are doing when they come up.

Original poster
Hothammock · 01/07/2021 06:42

Yes this is the problem @mumdiva99
The other visitors are on her side of the fam. She will want to come at the same time as them too but we literally don't even have enough chairs for everyone to sit on at the moment and way more pressing issues than planning to hold a house party beside bags of plaster. I am actually find it a bit let down by the situation, I would never dream of putting all this stress on her and when she had her building work I made her dinner every week to try help make things easier for her.

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 01/07/2021 06:43

I'd tackle it head-on.

'No it's not possible at the moment. We can only accommodate visitors who are mucking in with the building project as we absolutely can't be diverted from that. I'm sure you'll appreciate how critical it is that it proceeds as quickly as possible. Please ask DH directly if you want to invite him to visit you.'

Theunamedcat · 01/07/2021 06:45

Mute her

Immunetypegoblin · 01/07/2021 06:47

Let her come, do fuck all to look after her in the manner she expects. She will see you weren't joking and will stop mithering you about visiting!

updownroundandround · 01/07/2021 06:53

Don't let her get a word in ! E.g ;

''I know MIL, I'd love to see you too, but you know what a building site the house is right now ! Peter and Paula are even going to come over and help us complete the ................., because it's going to take all 4 of us the whole 4 days to get it done ! I've told the kids they're on tea and sandwich duty too, because it's 'all hands to the pumps' right now ! Oh dear, there goes the doorbell, I have to go ! Bye !

If she's phoning your mobile, always say ''Just a sec, here's DH now'' and hand him the bloody phone !
If it's the house phone, unplug it until the work is complete, and send her a text from your DH's phone telling her the house phone is out of action.

buzzandwoodyallday · 01/07/2021 07:07

Cancel the visitors and tell them all to wait until the build is finished as it's too stressful. Job done.

youshallnotpass9 · 01/07/2021 07:11

You can either say (or just not reply) talk to your son

Or

Oh you want to visit us on x date, because AB are helping us with our painting and its great you want to help out,

Or

Fuck off

Wilkolampshade · 01/07/2021 07:11

@updownroundandround has it exactly, breezy but determined, direct, with relevant info and no more.

Brefugee · 01/07/2021 07:13

Say no it's not convenient, and leave it at that. Don't refer her back to her son, just say no and mean it.

And if she brings up the other visitors? Meh. nothing to do with her. But you could say "yeah, it's Sharon who is coming to do the plastering, and Dave is building the kitchen" or whatever and add "unless you can plaster too? bring your hard hat"

Macncheeseballs · 01/07/2021 07:15

Why can't she come but just explain she has to look after herself

Sexnotgender · 01/07/2021 07:17

If your DH can ignore her then so can you.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 01/07/2021 07:18

Giver her a date in the future when " John and Jane have helped us complete X task "
If she wants to come sooner not possible .
My fear is that if you pass back to DH he will cave in and agree with whatever she suggests

Morred · 01/07/2021 07:20

@updownroundandround

Don't let her get a word in ! E.g ;

''I know MIL, I'd love to see you too, but you know what a building site the house is right now ! Peter and Paula are even going to come over and help us complete the ................., because it's going to take all 4 of us the whole 4 days to get it done ! I've told the kids they're on tea and sandwich duty too, because it's 'all hands to the pumps' right now ! Oh dear, there goes the doorbell, I have to go ! Bye !

If she's phoning your mobile, always say ''Just a sec, here's DH now'' and hand him the bloody phone !
If it's the house phone, unplug it until the work is complete, and send her a text from your DH's phone telling her the house phone is out of action.

This is definitely the right tactic. Try a lot of “oh wow thanks that’s so generous - Jeff and Jean are coming to help with the build and we were scratching our heads wondering how we’d keep everyone fed when we’ll all be working flat out to get the plastering done. That’s wonderful you can give up your weekend to help. Let me know if there are particular things I need to buy in once you’ve had a think about what dinners etc you want to do. Thanks again - lifesaver!”

Then watch her wheels spin into reverse.

Melitza · 01/07/2021 07:31

If she does insist on coming send her a list of clothes she needs to wear for cleaning purposes and food she must bring to save you time( and money).
Don't pander to her.
Ask her to cook and waltz off before she can comment.
Or tell the dc to go find granny and get her to take them out.

WildfirePonie · 01/07/2021 07:40

Hi PiL,

We are not having visitors atm due to building work.

We are also juggling working from home and caring for the children/kids.

Yes we have visitors arrriving next week, our visitors are staying over to help us out during the week/weekends becasue as you know we have builders here working on our property.

Unfortunately we will have to postpone your visit whilst we have the building work done.

It's all very chaotic and we are in no position to host.

Thanks for all you offers of help and support,

(Name)

Macncheeseballs · 01/07/2021 07:46

Your mistake is having any visitors, I'm.not sure how you can differentiate without causing offence

Sexnotgender · 01/07/2021 07:48

@Macncheeseballs

Your mistake is having any visitors, I'm.not sure how you can differentiate without causing offence
One set is being helpful and the other a hindrance.
LivingLaVidaCovid · 01/07/2021 07:57

I would go down the
"Mil we aren't having any visitors. Paula and Geoff aren't visiting they are building x y and z. We are flat out on this build and nor isn't a good time!" Route
Then redirect to DH each time.

Seymour5 · 01/07/2021 07:58

How old are the PIL if they need you to do jobs for them? If they are fairly infirm, then a visit whilst the builders are in is a terrible idea. I like Wildfire's letter, but MIL's lack of perception about your current situation is worrying.

BeyondMyWits · 01/07/2021 08:00

Give them a date when they can come. Then you can refer them to that date if they keep mithering to come earlier.

From their point of view you are just saying no.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/07/2021 08:00

Lots of good ideas here you just need to be as blunt as she is. She doesn’t mind badgering you so don’t worry about her