Aibu to avoid pil visit again

[Hothammock]

Aibu to resist a PIL visit? We have builders in, it's a long complex build and we are living in it at the same time, plus working from home. I'm just focused on surviving the week and making it all as calm as poss for the kids. Anyone who has lived through a build knows how tough this is but it is all worth it in the end, I hope.

My MIL is pushing me to come and visit. She is not interested in the build, she likes to be waited on. I have zero appetite for this at the moment. Plus as we get through to the end stages we need to do jobs on the weekend to keep things moving.
DH is just ignoring her so she is pestering me and it's adding stress to the situation. I suppose I also feel guilty.

Plus, she has found out that other relatives are coming to visit and are even staying over. They are however a completely different set of visitors who are interested in the project and will muck in and actually support us at a time when we are under quite a bit of pressure.

We have visited pil 3 times this year so it's not like we don't see them at all. They aren't interested in having the kids for us to help out or anything like that, when we visit its about us doing jobs for them. I just feel we have way to much on our plate at the moment.

Aibu and being mean or ainbu and it is OK to make them wait for a more convenient time.

And if anyone can give me some wording that would be amazing as I have lost my powers of kind speech amidst all the dust and frustration.

Only allowed 6 indoors at one time? Spout that to her.

I agree with the suggestions made this far.
I would send a message from your DH's phone to his mum (or better still get your DH to actually type it up and send it himself) but it would be along these lines
"Hi mum, I know you've heard that Pat and Jane are coming to visit us during our home renovations. That is because Pat as you know is a plasterer and Jane does flatpack assembly. You wouldn't be able to help out in this way if you were to visit so we'd appreciate it if we could all agree that you come when the renovations are completed and you can enjoy our new home. We realise that you may be unhappy with this but you have to understand out position at the moment. We don't have the space and the 'guests' that we have are going to be mucking in with the builders and ourselves so that we can get this build finished. We're not going to be waiting on them or they on us so it's not a 'holiday', just in case you're under a misguided impression. I'll be in touch with you soon to arrange a visit when the build is due to be complete and then you can come and stay. Love you, HotHammock's DH

Why can't you or your husband be truthful and say that you arent up for visitors at the moment due to the building work - although x and y are staying soon it's not for a relaxing visit it's to help with the work. If she wants to do the same she is welcome, the jobs you need help with are a b and c.

Are the visitors coming actually helping with the building work?

Are they family visiting with kids?

You seem loathe to say who exactly is visiting, which may have some bearing on why the in-laws want to come at this particular instance.

Ignore her and refer her back to her son.
She is using you, don’t let her.

A lot of these suggested replies have too many words. She will either glaze over it and continue to press for what she wants, or will pick one of the unimportant points and argue back at it.

I'd focus more. You're not ready for visitors yet. Uncle Fred and Aunty Wilma are coming to help out.

“Great Mil, well bring your drill, paintbrush and rubber gloves because when x came they helped with ..., so dead happy that you are going to pitch in too. Or I know, you can take over child care so we can get on with the work, I’ll give you their schedule, obviously they are full on at the moment, so that will keep you busy.”
Or just “I’ll put your son on to tell you NO!”

'Thanks for the offer to come and help with the building work like Dave and Sarah. Could you please bring a circular saw and drill. Oh and how are your cement mixing skills?'

Obviously that's a joke. Just tell her it's not possible.

Why are you waiting on her? If you stopped that she might visit less. Let her come and see the chaos and don't offer so much as a biscuit or even a chair to sit on, she won't be so keen next time.

Tell her she's welcome but she'll be doing x, y and z and food will be eaten sat on a dusty floor.

I have said to her several times this year we aren't suitably set up for visitors and so we have made arrangements to visit her instead. I think she is probably pressing to come because she has found out about the other relatives visiting having seen them herself recently.
I haven't enlisted our visitors to do specific jobs but as I said they will muck in and they are experienced renovators so they are just helpful to have around. They have actually asked to come and see things in progress so that is partly the point of their visit.

@Macncheeseballs

Your mistake is having any visitors, I'm.not sure how you can differentiate without causing offence

Op is also an adult who can have whoever she likes to visit for whatever reason-or for no reason!

MIL is also an adult who can take offence or not as she chooses.

Give them a date when they can come. Then you can refer them to that date if they keep mithering to come earlier.

This is what I do. It's a perfect example of being assertive - stating what you want to happen while being respectful of the other person's feelings. It works well - better than poor excuses. If they ask "oh can't I come sooner" it's easy to say "no sorry we can't have visitors because the building work is causing absolute chaos, but we would love to see you on x date once it's finished" or "no sorry the house isn't fit but we could call in to see you on x date".

Persistent mithering once you've given a date seems a lot less reasonable and you will also feel much less guilty so more able to cheerfully decline further visits. Guilt can make it much harder to strike that breezy tone!

I think it would be very unkind to drop hints about helping etc. Your mil is the way she is. Not being good at DIY is not really the issue here. Don't get into discussions about the other guests. It's not her business. Perhaps ask them to be discreet and not bring it up unless she asks.

"We look forward to inviting you to stay as soon as the building works have progressed enough for this to be safe and when I will have time to entertain you properly. Until then, any visitors will be staying next to rubble and plaster and helping with heaving lift/plastering/electrical work (depending on the nature of the other visitors). They'll be fending for themselves and hopefully fetching teas for the buildings, your DS and me". Are you enjoying the football/Wimbledon/the sunshine/being somewhere, anywhere but here?.

Dear MIL,
As you’re aware we are currently having major building works, to which relatives A and B have contributed by giving up their time to visit, offer advice and muck in with the diy jobs that we are taking on. Unfortunately, as the house is (understandably) at the moment not in its usual tidy and clean condition, and while DH and I are preoccupied with decorating, plastering Etc. I would not feel that I could host you as guests in the way that I have in the past, and I feel that a visit just now would fall far below your expectation.
We would love to see you, of course, but feel that you wouldn’t enjoy the visit while so much messy, smelly and dirty work is going on, and when we can’t really stop to prepare refreshments for you (our normal state at the moment is generally covered in paint or plaster dust!) or engage in conversation.
Can we therefore postpone your visit until the works are finished? (Alternatively you can come prepared for painting duty!) Haha!
Loads of love,
Hothammock

I would have no issue being VERY direct at this point.

Say to her, look if you want to come and actually help then fine, please do. However, I will not host/wait on you because the house build has to take absolute priority.

End of conversation.

MIL, if you insist on coming with please remember to wear something tatty and don't wear your jewellry as I'd hate for it to get damaged. We'll be doing that weekend so expect to get fully roped in.
We'll be eating takeaways, but you're free to help yourself to tea and biscuits as usual (cough).
Oh, and you'll need to bring a folding chair/camp bed for yourself too. You don't mind a bit of dust, do you?

I dare you!

YANBU and agree that your PIL need to wait until you are ready to have them to stay.

I’d be wary of roping them into help. Speaking from experience they may decide not to help once they get there (having told you they’re coming to help) and then spending the whole visit trying to distract you and delay you from what you are doing therefore you end up losing time rather than gaining it.

You’ve explained to her a few times that the house isn’t ready I would just ignore her now, it’s not up for discussion. Your DH needs to tell her to leave you alone.

What exactly are the visitors coming to help with or are they just coming to see what you’ve done? Who are they in relation to her?

Thanks for all your replies, I have a good sense now of what to say and how it say it nicely!