To ask how you say no to this stuff?

[AbsolutelyMortified]

I think I must be worse-than-awful at it, and I need to be better, because right now I'm either awake for ages worrying about it or I give in and feel resentful about it.

Examples from this week... How would you say no/not do these things, without upsetting people?

• Loose friend messages wanting scan photos

• People questioning over appointments/due dates/etc

• In-laws inviting themselves over

• Invites to things you don't want to do - eg drinking in a bar on Friday night, visiting someone's house during work

I think I must do them wrong.

For the first one, I swerved the question... she asked again, I ignored it, she said she'd ask a friend who worked in the maternity unit.

Second one we've been vague with dates and laughed off pressure, but some people are clearly put out about it. I feel like my options are to lie or to upset people!

(Because I'm bound to be asked; we're quite private on the pregnancy. We've not announced but a few close people know, and they know the month that we're due. I'm happy with that. Right now, I don't want to be sharing scan photos/bump updates/etc. We're very happy, but also quite private)

Third one... love the in-laws but they will see us whenever they are bored. I've seen them four times in the last 10 days. A few days ago, FIL announced that we'd officially run out of things to talk about... he was right, it was awkward. They called to say they'll drive past on Friday and will pop in. I said no, nicely, I'm working but we'll see you soon and enjoy your day etc... They've messaged DH that they'll let him know when they'll be coming round so he can put the kettle on.

Fourth one makes me cringe so much every time. I feel like my friends don't understand that I'm working, or busy, and it feels like they take it as a personal thing if I can't go, so we end up in an endless cycle of how about Tuesday at 10am, how about Wednesday at 2pm, and I hate it all.

I think I do okay in life. I've got a good husband. I run a small business that functions well and employs a handful of people. Most people seem to like me... but I feel like my closest people are now very headstrong, and I always lose. I did meet a lot of these people when I had some abandonment issues, I think - I was in foster care with a variety of families when I was little - and I wonder if that plays a part. I have also struggled with anxiety in the past - currently unmedicated, due to pregnancy. I've also got bipolar but I feel stable and okay.

Am I just shit at boundaries?

If your friend on the maternity unit gives out any information about your medical details, she'll be fired pretty swiftly. So I wouldn't worry too much about that one.

Your friend asked for a scan pic and then said she'd get one from the maternity unit when you didnt respond??

It's hard. I'm a bit like you OP. I've just had a baby and I've kept things quite private.

I had relatives asking to find over at the weekend and I didn't feel ready for visitors. I said no but I found it hard.

I aldi had a friend keep asking questions and I found it a bit intrusive though I know she cares and means well. She saw my car at the hospital when i went in to give birth and so texted me asking if everything is ok. I just didn't reply until after Id given birth. We stayed in hospital a week after baby was born and I didn't want to tell everyone that but same fried deal saw our car again (it's near her work) and texted to ask if we're ok then asking again when I didn't reply. I was a bit vague until we hit home. Just share what you want to share. Most people will understand.

Did your friend want your scan photo or just A scan photo? That’s mad to say she will get yours from the maternity hospital!!

Most of those, I would just be clear with my answers, rather than skirting around the issue. I would give them my due date. If you don’t want to give your actual one, then give them one two weeks later. The in laws, I’d tell them I am busy working and leave it to DH to sort. The drinks out with friends-they are trying to be nice and want to see you, so if you didn’t want to go, then be honest. Say you’re knackered/skint/need to spend time with DH or whatever your reason is and say you’ll sit this one out.

Sorry what, your friend wants your scan photos and will ask someone on the maternity ward that she knows for them instead?!

The first one - your friend sounds very odd, why does she want your scan photo?! Or just a scan photo in general? Is she planning on faking a pregnancy or something .

Commiserations about the frequent flyer in laws.

Ah, maybe my skirting is the issue… I do it a lot to avoid upsetting people

It’s a fair point on the drinks. I always seem to say I’ll go this time; and explain that I can’t meet twice or three times a week, which they seem okay with, but then two days later we end up in the same cycle. Between them and the in-laws I don’t think I ever have a night where I’ve got nothing on after work. I’m shattered!

The scan photos… erm. I’d like to say I know. I have no idea. She didn’t ask how I was, or anything; just literally asked if I could send over my scan photos. I guessed that maybe she wanted to show someone, but I have no idea who, she’s one of about four people who know…

I don’t know the friend who works in maternity but it’s reassuring that she won’t share them.

Thanks for all the nice replies

Why should you be worried about upsetting people who are grossly overstepping boundaries and/or taking the puss/being rude/being cheeky fuckers??

Stop skirting around things - say, no, sorry, that doesn’t work for me/us. And make sure your DH backs you up on it!

Tell your ‘friend’ that you don’t want to send your scans over, you’d prefer to keep them private. You should have said HELL NO when she said she would ask her friend to (illegally) show them to her!

With your friends just get in the habit of saying I’m sorry I can’t do it this week, and then tell them when you can do it.

You need to get better at being assertive.

I would say to the friends who keep wanting to meet up, "Hey, I'm not sure why but I'm really tired and really busy with work at the moment [or if they know you're pregnant, blame pregnancy tiredness]. I hope I'll have the time and energy to meet up some time in a few weeks but for the foreseeable future I feel I need to spend my spare time resting at home"

I have had to get pretty good at explaining that I don't have unlimited energy (chronic health issues) and so I do need most of my evenings to just be me and hubby relaxing at home. That's usually how I phrase it.

You've got to put yourself first, and get used to being assertive and making it clear to others that putting yourself first is important ❤️

Learn to be blunt. You talk about avoiding the question, ignoring the question, laughing off the question… How about you grow up and ANSWER the question? People aren’t mind readers.

‘Hey OP can I have your scan photo?’
‘Nah sorry I’d rather not.’
‘What? Why not?!’
‘Dunno that’s just how I feel. So that’s a no, sorry. So anyway…’

Just say NO. It’s quite easy once you get in the habit.

I was having a chat about this with my teenage dc this week and said that if I could give my younger self advice it would not be to feel the need to provide real/fabricated excuses to explain myself. Now, with age, I just say what I mean in as succinct and clear a way as possible (Can’t meet up during my work hours/No Friday isn’t possible/We’re keeping that stuff private for the moment). It feels a bit weird at first but it’s also liberating. You don’t need to go in all guns blazing to set clear boundaries (and from what you’ve shared it sounds like in the past you might have needed to adjust your boundaries to accommodate other people) just be neutral, firm and consistent. Your time and needs are as important as other people’s so start prioritising yourself - by the time dc arrives you’ll be so glad that you did.

I cannot imagine why anyone would even want your scan photo (except, possibly) the grandparents. In the most unlikely event that your friend manages to get one from her friend at the maternity unit, follow it up as she really isn't allowed to do that.
With the in laws, tell DH that you will be working and, if they turn up, you will be working and will not be able to see them, therefore entertaining them will be his responsibility. And stick to it. Don't go out for "just one cup of tea."

Okay, here’s what I’d say (I’m generally regarded as a blunt and assertive person):

“I don’t want to share my scan pictures I’m afraid so no, I can’t send them to you”

“I’d rather keep the details private, I know some people share dates but I don’t feel like I want to”

“That’s not really convenient, I’ve got loads of stuff to do around the house and you said yourself we’ve run out of things to talk about!”

“Thanks, but I don’t feel up to going to a bar so I’ll give it a miss. Let’s do something more casual like a coffee some other time though”
(I would only suggest a coffee if I actually wanted to have a coffee with them. If I didn’t, I’d leave it at ‘I’ll give it a miss’)

You seem to be giving quite wishy washy responses so people will assume you don't really mean them. If you mean no, say no. People rarely question a decisive response. I get why you want to keep certain things private.

As for meeting up with friends...do you actually want to see them at all? They suggest one date and you tell them you're busy so, understandably, they suggest another date. Why don't you tell them when you're free? Or do you not want to see them at all? If it's the latter, you need to explore why. Are they not nice people? Or is your anxiety preventing you? Do you want to change this? Just some things to ponder on.

1. We're not sharing scan photos.

1. Thanks for your concern. We're doing fine and we'll let you know if there are any updates.

1. Let your DH entertain them. I'm sure you are busy elsewhere, or need a nap, upstairs, with a good book.

1. Sorry, I can't make it. Have fun!

1 your friend is over stepping massively and being super weird.
‘We’re not sharing scan photos’ ‘the hospital are not allowed to do that, obviously that person would lose their job if they do that for you’

1. Be vague, lie, tell people you’re keeping it to yourself. Whatever. Why do you care what they think. Would you be upset if someone didn’t want to tell you? No? Then they’re unreasonable, ignore them.

1. Does DH want to see them? If so stay upstairs and carry on working. You told them not to come.

Or one of you tell them they can’t come round, you’re busy/out/at work whatever.

4 I’m not sure why you are engaging in that discussion.
I can’t do then, I have a job. I can do these times instead…

It’s understandable why you struggle with boundaries. That’s ok, you can work on it. It sounds like you’re doing brilliant anyway, so don’t be too hard on yourself, there’s worse things than being nice.
But your value and worth are not wrapped up in making everyone else happy and it’s not the most important thing in life.

Oh just read that back and maybe you don’t want to go with your friends
Just tell them you can’t make it!
Again would you care or take it personally if they couldn’t go out? Probably not

Is your dh aware that you already told his parents no? Do they realise that you’re working?? He needs to tell them no and mean it, even if you don’t answer the door. You’re working!

Yes, OP, your boundaries are shit, but that’s because you’re nice and other people are cheeky fucking piss takers who want what they want and don’t actually care about others. If your pil are like this now, god help you when the baby arrives! Get some boundaries set in stone now.

-Loose friend messages wanting scan photos
I’d rather not share it, anyway you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all

(Although to be fair I love sharing photos so I wouldn’t care about this)

• People questioning over appointments/due dates/etc

When’s your due date? Baby’s due around September What date exactly? We’re just keeping that to ourselves at the minute No, really what date? Why do you need to know?

• In-laws inviting themselves over

I won’t be in (then don’t be in/don’t answer the door)

• Invites to things you don't want to do - eg drinking in a bar on Friday night, visiting someone's house during work

I don’t feel up to it, maybe next time. Have a good night, see you, byeeeeee.

I think these people probably care about you more than you realise and by withholding information that people normally share they think something is wrong or you’re expecting bad news and they’re worried for you.

You are trying to save people's feelings by not being honest with them, but actually that's just causing more confusion and upset. It is absolutely fine to say to friends who want to go out, or in-laws who want to come round "I'm feeling really shattered and just want to take it easy at home for a while". No one will hold that against you, especially if you are pregnant.

Or re the scan photo "we are just keeping that private at the moment".

Next time someone asks you something you don't want to do, instead of thinking "what can I do to avoid answering the question / upsetting them?" think "how do I say a clear NO politely". An honest straight from the heart answer is much less likely to offend than prevarication and endless confusion.

Yes, be more upfront

You need to learn some mumsnet type phrases such as:-

No, that doesnt work for me (sounds better than fuck off but thats what it means)

I will leave it with you then (hang up immediately)

Not at this time (sounds better than fuck off but thats what it means)

Not today thank you (sounds better than fuck off but thats what it means)

The answer is to disengage from the conversation/walk off/be oh so busy.

Your scan picture friend is mental. You can safely ignore her.

People asking about dates - if they know the month, what else do they want to know? Scan dates etc, just say “oh I’m not sure offhand, will have to check my diary”, or “oh they haven’t sent me an appointment yet”. Random midwife appts? Just say you can’t remember offhand. If they want the actual EDD, just laugh and say “November, doubt the baby will stick to a specific day”

Your DH needs to tell his DPs he’s busy - sounds like they think just you are out, and your DH is still home and free for a visit.

With your friends, just tell them you are tired and need a few nights in. Keep saying that. It will get easier when you are more visibly pregnant.

Just say I feel really tired and I’ve got a lot on at the moment so I’ll leave it this time, thanks for the offer though. To anything you don’t want to go to.

Ignore your weird ‘friend’ re- scan photo - she sounds crackers!

You could say ‘it’s private just for close family friends’. The way I see it, she’s more than happy to make you feel uncomfortable by asking twice so do t be worried about making her feel uncomfortable by saying no!

Tricky to get out if the in-laws popping round but I’d be inclined to not answer and hide if I had to!

Not even kidding about hiding. I’d just bit answer the door and say I fell asleep….

1. No.
2. Sorry, we aren’t discussing that right now. I understand you’re excited about x, but it’s too much for me currently. Aren’t these (insert random subject here) fab?
3. that doesn’t work for me right now, maybe we can look at it next week?
4. thanks for the invite girls. I’m going to bow out this time, but do say hi to (insert random person) for me. Have fun! And then keep saying them over and over. And NO is a complete sentence