To ask how you say no to this stuff?

[AbsolutelyMortified]

I think I must be worse-than-awful at it, and I need to be better, because right now I'm either awake for ages worrying about it or I give in and feel resentful about it.

Examples from this week... How would you say no/not do these things, without upsetting people?

• Loose friend messages wanting scan photos

• People questioning over appointments/due dates/etc

• In-laws inviting themselves over

• Invites to things you don't want to do - eg drinking in a bar on Friday night, visiting someone's house during work

I think I must do them wrong.

For the first one, I swerved the question... she asked again, I ignored it, she said she'd ask a friend who worked in the maternity unit.

Second one we've been vague with dates and laughed off pressure, but some people are clearly put out about it. I feel like my options are to lie or to upset people!

(Because I'm bound to be asked; we're quite private on the pregnancy. We've not announced but a few close people know, and they know the month that we're due. I'm happy with that. Right now, I don't want to be sharing scan photos/bump updates/etc. We're very happy, but also quite private)

Third one... love the in-laws but they will see us whenever they are bored. I've seen them four times in the last 10 days. A few days ago, FIL announced that we'd officially run out of things to talk about... he was right, it was awkward. They called to say they'll drive past on Friday and will pop in. I said no, nicely, I'm working but we'll see you soon and enjoy your day etc... They've messaged DH that they'll let him know when they'll be coming round so he can put the kettle on.

Fourth one makes me cringe so much every time. I feel like my friends don't understand that I'm working, or busy, and it feels like they take it as a personal thing if I can't go, so we end up in an endless cycle of how about Tuesday at 10am, how about Wednesday at 2pm, and I hate it all.

I think I do okay in life. I've got a good husband. I run a small business that functions well and employs a handful of people. Most people seem to like me... but I feel like my closest people are now very headstrong, and I always lose. I did meet a lot of these people when I had some abandonment issues, I think - I was in foster care with a variety of families when I was little - and I wonder if that plays a part. I have also struggled with anxiety in the past - currently unmedicated, due to pregnancy. I've also got bipolar but I feel stable and okay.

Am I just shit at boundaries?

Oh I do love an AIBU thread that only has 25 replies so far , it's like catching the ice cream van when it comes down your street

OP - yes please learn that what you want to do or not is important and no else gets to trample over that, within reason.

Don't want to share your scans? "No thankyou , they are private"

Questions about due dates and appointments "I'll let you know what I want to share and when. Tbh I don't want to"

..... (posted before I finished typing)

• in-laws inviting selves over AlL the time?

"Don't you have homes to go to? ... we love you but please give me space/ x days off.... I just want a bit of time with jo visitors"

• friends wanting meet ups when you are working?

"I'm working/ busy, I can do x at y place, if you can't that's fine as I can then do z after then "

Viola . No stress, no upset. I walk away or ignore if I get fed up. And I'm a people pleaser by nature. I find it's easier to say it factually than to fudge around issue

I love phoebe buffet's classic line of "yeah but no thanks, I don't want to"

Id move and not give them my address, could not tolerate that, would just snap and be rude!

Your main mistake is in worrying about doing it without upsetting them. If people are rude or disrespectful it's ok to dish it out back to them and if they find it upsetting, tough shit, that's not your problem. Do you think they care about upsetting you with their pushy intrusive ways? Smile, be polite (which just means not being rude, it doesn't mean apologize or fawn over them) and give it to them straight.

Mate wants scans? "I'm not sending scan pics to people. How are you, been upto much lately?"
In laws want to visit? "No, it's not convenient at the moment, I'll let you know when things change. How's your hobbies going?"

People questioning your medical stuff? Put on your serious face, stare them in the eye and tell them you know your own medical stuff. Stare at them some more and let them feel the awkwardness. Then move on, change the subject.

Unwanted invitation? Tell them you're busy or skint, or say you're not in the mood for that right now but you'd like to see them soon for xyz if they're up for it?

If anyone tells me they're visiting me I reply 'it's good of you to offer but I don't want to be visited, don't visit me'
If they do pretend you're out
job done✔️

I say no. occasionally it's not a snowball's chance in hell, I don't think so, hard no, hells no or no fucking way.
I have also used "why would you even ask that, are you in a cult?"

I can say no in several languages if needed.

Also, as other PPs has said ... re your friend that said "I'll get them (your baby scans) from hospital...." no she won't. She can't . She can only be given them from you or baby's dad.

. If she works in nhs she'd find it virtually impossible to get these anyway and if she did somehow manage it by logging into your maternity records (& most HCP don't have access to that part unless in that maternity ward and place) , it'd be instant dismissal and end of Career. It can become a criminal offence (. No nhs HCP would access someone's medical records without legitimate reason to do so unless they want to be sacked. NHS take this VERY seriously and do refer to police at times. . Your Medical records have so much legal protection

The scan photo, no HCP in their right mind would give out other peoples scan photos.

Not wanting to say when you’re due, just say you want to keep it private for now. Altho sometimes people ask to be friendly or make conversation. I ask friends who tell me they’re pregnant. Then I promptly forget as it’s not really a big deal to me.

With regards IL’s I’d just carry on with whatever you’re doing if they turn up, you’ve told them you’re busy, so carry on with what you’re doing when they pitch up uninvited. Tell them you said you were busy and can’t stop.

For drinks, say no thank you.

I meant if baby's dad has been given the scan photisZ as essentially whilst baby is in your womb they are your personal private medical records snd as mum you can say no even to baby's dad being given a copy . Once anyone is given a copy you have less control over who they send photos of it to

If you are skirting around the issues to stop other people feeling bad- where does this leave you? Yep you feel all the bad for all of them. It's like accepting to carry their rocks for them. You don't have to. You are allowed to be clearer with people.

I think you need to make up your mind.

If you’ve only told “close friends” about the pregnancy, why is a “loose friend” demanding scan pictures?

If your thinking is woolly, the messages you give out will be too, and so you’ll get messy results.

Be honest and clear with yourself first of all.

Not RTFT.

I have learnt recently that lying is ok! I'm nearly 50! I'm just very honest.

Examples from this week... How would you say no/not do these things, without upsetting people?

• Loose friend messages wanting scan photos

I don't want to share them with anyone
They didn't offer so I haven't got any

They said they'd get them from the hosp wtf that's awful. And properly straight up weird intrusive and horrible. Ditch the friend.

• People questioning over appointments/due dates/etc

They keep changing them
Not sure can't remember
Everything is fine thanks don't worry
Due date is X (baby rarely comes on due date and most people get asked that and are ok to share so I don't see that as odd)

• In-laws inviting themselves over

Sorry we're going out OH has the shits Sorry we're busy but we're free on (3 weeks time). How does you OH feel about it though? Get him to deal with it. Or say oh fab yes we'll come to yours. But something comes up and OH goes on own

• Invites to things you don't want to do - eg drinking in a bar on Friday night, visiting someone's house during work

Sorry I'm busy/ need to go to shops/ meeting someone/ have plague

Orris I assume loose was meant to be close!

That would make more sense. Sorry OP I’m high on lemsip.

People aren't as put out as you might think when you say no, clearly and calmly. I was well into my twenties before I figured that out.

"Hey, what you doing tonight?"

"Nothing."

"Great, fancy a meal or something?"

"No, thanks. Nothing is what I'm doing. I've been looking forward to it."

"Oh, okay - maybe next week?"

"That'd be good. Let's talk Monday."

....that was one of the most liberating conversations of my life. And I lost no friends.

Is it possible that the person asking for scan photos, and those demanding dates don't believe you're pregnant? (Not that it excuses their weird behaviour!!)

For the rest id suggest practise being blunt OP - honestly, it's liberating. If you feel your brain desperately trying to come up with excuses just pause, breathe, and say you don't want to do whatever you're being badgered to do. I reply to most requests with 'nope, can't be arsed!' (which is usually, very, very true!)

Sounds like you could really benefit from some assertiveness training...it can help you learn to stand up for yourself and say no calmly and pleasantly without allowing people to walk all over you. Simple assertiveness tools like the "broken record" technique are really helpful in these sorts of situations. There are some good free resources online eg www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

I think you are overthinking a lot (not all) of this. I mean, you don't need to worry so much about either giving casual replies or saying no to people. With the baby, people are just asking standard questions which probably are just to show you they are interested. Maybe it would help to set up some stock replies in your mind to things you keep getting asked. 'Due in January.' Or 'Can't do this week - working all day and knackered in the evenings' You are allowed to prioritise your own needs.
Trickier with in-laws, though.

Thanks all - I've made notes! I think the general consensus is right, in my eagerness not to upset anyone, I don't give any firm answers and that doesn't help anyone. I'm definitely going to practice being firmer, and get some help with assertiveness!

To be fair to DH, he's dealt with the in-laws... They started doing it without notice before the pandemic, they'd just turn up and say they'd "wait for DH", who was at work and wouldn't be home for hours. I've always worked from home, so I guess they know I'm home. But he's told them so I needn't of got frustrated over that!

Pregnancy... so far I've played it by ear, along with DH. It might be relevant that I've had a load of spinal surgeries and the like and have always done them by myself, pre-DH, so it feels normal to me. I'm more than happy to give them news when there is some, but so far, it's a lot of waiting! I also have a close friend who should be 6 days ahead of me, but lost her baby, and I don't want to make her pain worse - especially if it's not something I want to do anyway.

Friends... My "close" friends group meet a LOT. Most have school-aged children now, and only 2 of us out of the 8 work, so you can usually find them at each others' houses in the day. I think that makes them notice that I'm not there, so they tend to book drinks/takeaways/meals out etc twice a week or so... but I can't go to them all! I love them, but man, it's too much people-ing for me, especially with the in-laws and then our other friend groups on top.

And I did mean close .

Genuinely massive thanks to you all

I think you're being precious over the second one - people just ask about due dates and stuff out of politeness and possibly don't even really care. I know everyone is obsessed with 'boundaries' these days but i think we have reached a point where some people make boundaries for the sake of having a boundary. Does it really matter if someone makes small talk about an appointment and you tell them it was fine? Don't need to go into loads of detail.

But then I don't think you're being precious enough about the first one! I'd have gone ballistic if someone threatened to get MY scan photos from her friend at the hospital as I'd not wanted to give them!

In laws popping over wouldn't bother me, but I've been living abroad a long time and have lost my British-ness re: wanting to keep family members, particularly in laws, at a big distance. Presuming they're popping in for a cup of tea and a chat for a bit, 4 times in 10 days doesn't seem like much to me at all. Not something that I think would exhaust me. If you don't like it though, your husband needs to deal with it.

Your friends sound a bit annoying but depending on your age it might be normal. I've found that your twenties is an awkward age where some friends have moved well on from the very sociable late-teen years, and other friends are still in this mindset, so i think a lot of friendship groups have this issue. Mine did, anyway.

I don't think it sounds like you have any problem regarding boundaries. Nice, normal, friendly people often do feel awkward telling someone they don't want to see them. Its part of being nice, normal, and friendly (which it sounds like you are). The kind of people who find it easy to tell people to bugger off probably don't have people wanting to see them much afterwards! Just be polite but firm, make excuses when needed, and get your husband to deal with it if its your in laws.