Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unfair on my daughter to travel an hour to school

48 replies

libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:11

Genuine question.

Her father isn't nice or fair. I left him due to emotional abuse two years ago.

It was too expensive for me to stay in our area (let's call it Trendy town) so I moved close to work and friends (in Suburbia). Both areas are in London, but it takes an hour to get from one to the other, with a couple of changes.

I tried to move back to Trendy town in time for school applications, but DD's father blocked me on the basis that he thought I would get a bigger settlement in the more expensive area. So I managed to get DD into a very fantastic school in Suburbia.

DD's father doesn't believe he should do childcare during the week because his job is too important. We agreed an arrangement where DD visits him Friday to Monday morning on his weekends, Sunday to Monday morning on mine. She is tired and grumpy on those days.

I am extremely worried that when DD starts school, she will start every week off completely wrong if she disrupts her routine by getting up an hour early and traveling for an hour first thing Monday. She is only 4 after all, and it will be a big transition for her.

I told her father this and he flipped out. He insists that we have to stick to this plan because he needs to see his daughter at least 4 days a week. I suggested that he could have her every Friday and then they can have a special activity every Saturday morning but he refused. I believe he is driven by wanting to pay less in CMS.

Tldr: is it ok for a 4 year old to travel an hour to school every Monday, totally disrupting her normal sleep schedule as she is just starting reception?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 30/06/2021 20:13

Give it a try. An hour isn't that long, she'll be tired to begin with anyway but she will soon get used to school.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/06/2021 20:14

I am sure she will cope just fine. It will just become part of her routine.

Original poster
libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:16

To those who say it will be fine, what about the fact that she will be getting up early on that day only? On a Monday?

She's super sensitive and a bit anxious about school already. I really don't want to mess it up for her from day one.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/06/2021 20:16

Every weekend? So when she is at school you don't see her? And you won't at weekends either?

Original poster
libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:22

@Theunamedcat I already only see her on Saturday and half of Sunday on my weekends, while caring for her all week. I don't think it's an especially fair arrangement as I also have a busy professional job.

Anyway, if he had her every Friday, it would be a similar arrangement to now in that I would only have her from Saturday afternoon onward on my weekends. She would have fewer overnights with him though

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 30/06/2021 20:22

Its only one day a week and only one journey. She will be fine.

It will be his responsibility to get her school on a Monday morning. If he finds it too difficult after a few weeks then can review.

Its really not a big deal.

ComingOutOfMyCave · 30/06/2021 20:23

Is this a court ordered agreement?

Original poster
libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:24

@Dishwashersaurous he probably will expect me to come get her on Monday morning before my work day (as punishment for moving away)r. I have said he needs to take her to and from school same as I do, but he thinks I should handle half the travel

OP posts:
PeonyTime · 30/06/2021 20:26

If you are worried about the early start, the alternative is to shift her day - get her up at Monday time every morning, do any reading or other school work first thing, and have an early bedtime.

Original poster
libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:26

@ComingOutOfMyCave no, it's not court ordered. It's what I had to agree to get him to reach a settlement after a year and a half of desperately trying to get him to settle

Basically the condition of settlement for him is that he doesn't have to care for DD during the week. But now the settlement is done and I think this will probably be detrimental to DD longer term. It has been ok when she is at nursery because it's such a laid back atmosphere and she has been getting up at the same time every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:27

@PeonyTime it's very hard to describe how horrible that would be for me. I'm not a morning person - maybe part of the reason I'm worried about DD, who also isn't a morning person!

OP posts:
0None0 · 30/06/2021 20:27

@libertybonds

To those who say it will be fine, what about the fact that she will be getting up early on that day only? On a Monday?

She's super sensitive and a bit anxious about school already. I really don't want to mess it up for her from day one.

This is a complete non issue. You might have lots of issues with your ex, but this is not one of them.

He can’t have blocked you from living in a specific area. What do you mean by that? It’s not up to him

pallisers · 30/06/2021 20:28

I really wouldn't bother having this argument now. It will be up to him to get her ready on a sunday night - uniform, anything she needs for monday, money for whatever, bringing back the class guinea pig, get her up early on Monday morning, feed her and do the hour's trip to school. The allure may fade very fast.

I'd have my battles when they come.

my kids all did long enough journeys to school. it isn't ideal. walking to the neighbourhood school is ideal but not everyone can do that.

Original poster
libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:29

@0None0 it's difficult to describe how mean and controlling he is. I told him that I was moving back, then he flipped out.

I chickened out when I realised how unpleasant it would be to possibly see him in the street, and I also think Suburbia is nicer for children as it has great schools and parks

OP posts:
MarrymeTomHardy · 30/06/2021 20:31

[quote libertybonds]@Dishwashersaurous he probably will expect me to come get her on Monday morning before my work day (as punishment for moving away)r. I have said he needs to take her to and from school same as I do, but he thinks I should handle half the travel[/quote]
No way, if he has her until Monday morning, he is responsible for getting her to school !

Megan2018 · 30/06/2021 20:32

You need to go to court and get a fairer split of time. This is all in his favour. If your lawyer has sanctioned this they are shit.

An hour isn’t ideal but it’s probably ok, but you should have a better split of days. He doesn’t get it all to suit him.

Wondergirl100 · 30/06/2021 20:32

Starting school is an anxious time for you and your daughter - I remember how many worries I had. I'm sorry OP that your ex is difficult and I can see it's not ideal having to travel an hour on a Monday.

BUT - I say this with sympathy - it genuinely isn't a big deal in the bigger picture - she will cope, she will get used to it. Really, getting up an hour earlier on a Monday in the grand scheme of lifes' sufferings is just meaningless. She will cope - my kids aren't great in the morning either I wish school started later! but such is life, they survive.

I do think you may be right that starting school will be extra tiring - my own 4 year old fell asleep a few times in school in the first year.

Have you thought of speaking to school? And explaining you are in a difficult position with an emotionally abusive ex ? Tell them she may be late on Mondays and can they not make a big deal of it to her?

Could you go to court to change things in future?

BungleandGeorge · 30/06/2021 20:33

I think she’ll be absolutely fine. Mine have to get up over an hour earlier the days they go to breakfast club. They also usually let them have a post lunch nap in reception if they need it.alternatively the suggestion of getting up earlier every day and using the time to do homework is a good one

Wondergirl100 · 30/06/2021 20:34

I also agree with other poster that you can cross the bridge when you come to it - he may find waking her/ getting her ready for school a pain and prefer to drop her back to you Sunday evening.

Is there a reason she can't just get dropped back late sunday in her pajamas?

NameChangeAgain2 · 30/06/2021 20:35

He is 100% responsible for getting her to school Monday morning if he wants her Sunday night.

thecognoscenti · 30/06/2021 20:36

Honestly it won't be a big deal if you don't make a big deal of it. How much is it to do with you not being a morning person, if you're honest? Try being breezy and positive and making the best of it, you may be surprised how well she copes.

Soontobe60 · 30/06/2021 20:36

@libertybonds

To those who say it will be fine, what about the fact that she will be getting up early on that day only? On a Monday?

She's super sensitive and a bit anxious about school already. I really don't want to mess it up for her from day one.

You can always get her up an hour earlier every day - gives her time to wake ip fully, have a nice breakfast, do her reading practice.
SinkGirl · 30/06/2021 20:38

My 4 year old twins have a 50 min minibus journey to their (specialist) school twice a day. They bloody love it. So I wouldn’t be overly worried about one long journey once a week. I think that’s the least of your problems to be honest, he sounds like a nightmare.

SpaceRaiders · 30/06/2021 20:38

I don’t understand how he can block you from a move.

Either one or both of you move closer to each other and the school. Or he has EOW Friday to Sunday night.

Traveling across town during rush hour isn’t ideal, if he’s insisting on that then let him do that journey. You are allowed to refuse a proposal that would impact you negatively especially when it comes to your work.

itsgettingwierd · 30/06/2021 20:40

If she is at his on Sunday night to Monday morning he does the drop off.

No discussions or arguments.

Just state you are not coming to get her Monday morning.

Tell him if he wants a different arrangement you'll see him in court when he takes you.

As for if she'll manage it'll become routine.