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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's unfair on my daughter to travel an hour to school

48 replies

libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:11

Genuine question.

Her father isn't nice or fair. I left him due to emotional abuse two years ago.

It was too expensive for me to stay in our area (let's call it Trendy town) so I moved close to work and friends (in Suburbia). Both areas are in London, but it takes an hour to get from one to the other, with a couple of changes.

I tried to move back to Trendy town in time for school applications, but DD's father blocked me on the basis that he thought I would get a bigger settlement in the more expensive area. So I managed to get DD into a very fantastic school in Suburbia.

DD's father doesn't believe he should do childcare during the week because his job is too important. We agreed an arrangement where DD visits him Friday to Monday morning on his weekends, Sunday to Monday morning on mine. She is tired and grumpy on those days.

I am extremely worried that when DD starts school, she will start every week off completely wrong if she disrupts her routine by getting up an hour early and traveling for an hour first thing Monday. She is only 4 after all, and it will be a big transition for her.

I told her father this and he flipped out. He insists that we have to stick to this plan because he needs to see his daughter at least 4 days a week. I suggested that he could have her every Friday and then they can have a special activity every Saturday morning but he refused. I believe he is driven by wanting to pay less in CMS.

Tldr: is it ok for a 4 year old to travel an hour to school every Monday, totally disrupting her normal sleep schedule as she is just starting reception?

OP posts:

CheesyMother · 30/06/2021 20:45

I assume this isn’t a court ordered contact schedule? Why is he having every Sunday night with her?

She may be fine with it, but it may be a complete nightmare. You don’t really know how exhausted she’ll be with school until she starts…

I’d be inclined to come up with a different schedule that you feel is fair (on your daughter, as well as on ExH) and present it to him as a suggestion. If he doesn’t agree, suggest going to mediation about it.

Original poster

libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:55

@Wondergirl100 that's actually enormously helpful - thanks.

The reason she can't come back Sunday night is he wants to be able to have her enough nights to pay less in maintenance

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 30/06/2021 20:55

Well he has to take her to school on a Monday morning.

If he won't do that then she doesn't stay over

Dishwashersaurous · 30/06/2021 20:56

You need to go to court

Original poster

libertybonds · 30/06/2021 20:57

@SpaceRaiders he won't be moving. He has stayed in the enormous family house. He would like me to move into a small flat near him now that we have settled and he doesn't have to worry that I will get more of the marital property

I don't want to move now that we are settled into this area and I got DD into the fantastic school.

OP posts:

DeepNorthFarmGardening · 30/06/2021 21:06

[quote libertybonds]@Wondergirl100 that's actually enormously helpful - thanks.

The reason she can't come back Sunday night is he wants to be able to have her enough nights to pay less in maintenance[/quote]
Well he's walked himself into a hole with that one then hasn't he.

Do not budge.

Either he drops her back Sunday night and pays more maintenance or he does school drop off Monday.

I'd find myself suddenly very very very busy on Monday mornings and let him make that decision himself.

ahoyshipmates · 30/06/2021 21:07

He insists that we have to stick to this plan because he needs to see his daughter at least 4 days a week

So he's not interested in doing what is best for his 4-year-old daughter then, but only what he wants and what suits him. Selfish git.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/06/2021 21:10

How did your ex "block" you from moving back to Trendy Town? Sounds most unlikely...

notapizzaeater · 30/06/2021 21:15

If she's that tired she will sleep on the journey. I'd go along with it for now, I'm sure he will rethink when he's got the hassle of getting her up, dressed, fed and motivated. On a positive you get a lie in on Mondays 😄

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 30/06/2021 21:16

I'd say she will be fine IF her dad also takes into the ccount the fcat she will have to get up ear;lier and puts her in bed at the right time.

The issue I have is that it looks like he already doesnt (hence she is tired) and he obvioulsy won't see the effect it has on her during the week/at school....

ChloeCrocodile · 30/06/2021 21:16

I told him that I was moving back, then he flipped out.

He is the one who wanted his daughter settled an hour away from him. So he has to deal with the travel. Do not back down on this. If he doesn’t want to take her to school on Monday morning he can drop her home on Sunday nights.

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 30/06/2021 21:18

@Wondergirl100

Starting school is an anxious time for you and your daughter - I remember how many worries I had. I'm sorry OP that your ex is difficult and I can see it's not ideal having to travel an hour on a Monday.

BUT - I say this with sympathy - it genuinely isn't a big deal in the bigger picture - she will cope, she will get used to it. Really, getting up an hour earlier on a Monday in the grand scheme of lifes' sufferings is just meaningless. She will cope - my kids aren't great in the morning either I wish school started later! but such is life, they survive.

I do think you may be right that starting school will be extra tiring - my own 4 year old fell asleep a few times in school in the first year.

Have you thought of speaking to school? And explaining you are in a difficult position with an emotionally abusive ex ? Tell them she may be late on Mondays and can they not make a big deal of it to her?

Could you go to court to change things in future?

I'd say tell the school her dad is responsible for the mondaus and they need to make a big del to HIM about the fact she is late or tired (if this is the case of course)

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 30/06/2021 21:21

[quote libertybonds]@Dishwashersaurous he probably will expect me to come get her on Monday morning before my work day (as punishment for moving away)r. I have said he needs to take her to and from school same as I do, but he thinks I should handle half the travel[/quote]
And of course, that's a big NO.
He has her on the monday morning, he deals with getting her to school having the right uniform, the right books, ensured that she has done the reading and work during the weekend etc etc etc....

You need to make sure that HE is on the school email list so he is getting all thoise ever so important information about workd book day and so on too.

He might only have her at the weekend but he is still supposed to be a parent and that includes doing all the hard work too.

Hankunamatata · 30/06/2021 21:25

Its fine. Just start waking her same time every morning and make sure she has early night. Will take a max a month to adjust her sleep pattern

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/06/2021 21:31

Lots of children have to get up earlier in order to go to breakfast club because their parents work.

He needs to drop her Monday mornings. Dont think of it as unpleasant. It's not ideal but its only one day a week, and she can go to bed a little earlier to help with the earlier start. She can maybe eat breakfast and read stories on the bus with her dad, lots of children quite enjoy a journey like this.

thelastgoldeneagle · 30/06/2021 21:34

What a disgusting specimen. I'd get good legal advice. It's not fair that you look after dd all week yet don't get weekend with her! He's a controlling twat.

Christmasfairy2020 · 30/06/2021 21:58

If your in london and you both have high paid jobs. Can't you pick a private school in between you both. Give him a few months of him travelling 2 hours before work and he will let her stay home Sunday nights

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 30/06/2021 22:10

It's quite simple really. But I'm not surprised it seems difficult if he's intimidating you.

Tell him he can have EOW Friday to Monday morning (he does school pick-up on Friday and drop-off on Monday morning). If he wants any extra days, he has to have them midweek.

Put in a claim for maintenance to the CMS.

If he wants anything else, he'll have to go to court.

Don't worry too much about your DD being tired on a Monday after contact... just don't plan anything for Monday afternoons and make sure she gets an early night.

SpaceRaiders · 30/06/2021 22:11

I echo what others have said, let him have that pattern of contact if he wishes but absolutely do not collect her on Monday morning. Let him do that journey, I bet he won’t last a term!

SkiingIsHeaven · 30/06/2021 22:19

Our bus to school was 1 hour 15 mins each way ( Scotish highlands). It didn't do us any harm. In fact we generally had a laugh on the bus. (Public bus).

delilahbucket · 30/06/2021 22:21

Secondary school, fine, just starting in reception, not fine!

ARoseDowntown · 30/06/2021 22:41

You are at risk of transferring your anxieties to your DD. At 4yo, she should be excited about starting big school, not anxious. Nervous is also normal. But not anxious. She doesn’t know what to be anxious of at that age, unless she’s been told.

I echo pp’s, make the earlier start her normal routine. Early to bed, early to rise. She’s too little to “not be a morning person”.

As for you not being a morning person, sorry but you have to suck it up. You had this child with that man, you’ve got yourselves into this situation. DD didn’t ask for any of this. Get up early and deal with it for your DD’s sake.

pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:16

@Dishwashersaurous he probably will expect me to come get her on Monday morning before my work day (as punishment for moving away)r. I have said he needs to take her to and from school same as I do, but he thinks I should handle half the travel

he might expect, he might think but the reality is if he has his daughter with him HE gets her to school. if he asks you to meet him half way say "I take her to school every other day - you take her to school on Mondays - what a lovely opportunity for you to spend time with her."

He sounds awful. But he is no longer running your life. You are. There is little he can do now - he got his house and his big settlement. You don't need anything from him so you can just smile and say "don't be silly - she is with her other parent - you - and of course you will bring her to school just like I do when she is with me - or would you like to bring her to school some of the days she is with me - that might be nice?

and OP - don't be responsible for packing her bag for Monday morning with uniform etc. Tell him he needs to have a second set in his house so there is no problem - you will of course return anything that ends up in your house, as will he.

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