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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too sensitive that in laws favour their other grandkids

52 replies

alliej11 · 30/06/2021 10:50

I live in the same town as my in laws but far away from any of my own family.
We see my in laws every now and again for a quick visit and they have babysat maybe three times for my 16 month old, just for brief periods not all day or overnight or anything like that yet.
We once asked if they could take care of DS one day because his usual carer was sick and we both had to go to work (knew both DH's parents weren't working that day). They did look after him but made the point that we can't expect them to provide daycare on their days off as they want days off to themselves. Fair enough.
On the other hand they have their daughter's two kids who are slightly older overnight to give her a break about once a fortnight and often take them on outings as well. We once all went away for the weekend and SIL would go take naps while in laws did all the care, prepared all meals for her kids etc.
I know they think she needs a lot more help than us as she is a single mother, not working, very little money and has had lots of challenges with her ex, the father of the kids who doesn't help much, although he does have every second weekend with them.
So I do get why they help her a lot more but I still feel a little put out and worry that the difference in attention the grandkids get might become noticeable to them when they get older.

OP posts:

Zari29 · 30/06/2021 10:55

Yabu. Given your sil situation, it's more than fair that they help her out more. You have your husband for that. And one child. Besides a 16month old is much harder work than older children. I can see why you feel it's unfair but they probably see that sil needs more support than your dh. Where do your dps live, can they help out instead?

Yesmate · 30/06/2021 10:55

You live fairly close but only see them every now and then for a quick visit. Maybe the sister makes more of an effort with them and in turn they make more of an effort with her.
If you want them to have more of a relationship with your DS, you need to actually do more than a quick visit.

Getawriggleon · 30/06/2021 10:58

We see my in laws every now and again for a quick visit

There's your problem.

Radio4ordie · 30/06/2021 10:58

Unfortunately my experience is that DIL’s children are seen as less important than DDs children.
There are good reasons why my ILs support their DD but they don’t know about our challenges because they take very very little interest.
I like my ILs would happily spend more time with them, so I try not to let the hurtfulness influence how I treat them. I think it’s mostly unintentional but it’s been very consistent. I mostly worry about whether the kids will notice.

Floralnomad · 30/06/2021 10:58

It sounds like you are not that bothered with them as people just that they favour their daughter / her children , perhaps if you made a bit more effort then they would as well . What sort of relationship did your OH / you have with them before you had the baby ?

TK1930 · 30/06/2021 11:01

Unfortunately you’ve posted in the wrong place for sympathy. Most posters will say (as above) you don’t make enough effort/they don’t owe you anything etc etc
But the fact remains that it’s crap and hurtful.
It happens in more families than you realise and it’s sad.
But unfortunately just the way it is. Hopefully you’ll be able to come to terms with it/accept it and move on just like I have had to

Zari29 · 30/06/2021 11:03

Also remember that grandparents often get to extend their parenting to their children which most often happens with their daughter. Exactly the same with us. It doesn't bother me, because I prefer my way of parenting. To rely on gp more, means I would have to accept things I'm not happy with. Sil dc is just like the gp's dc. It doesn't bother me.

tallduckandhandsome · 30/06/2021 11:04

Who is driving the 'quick' visits, you or in laws? I mean, do they only want to see you for quick visits or vice versa?

Do you invite them to days out etc?

Pedalpushers · 30/06/2021 11:04

I think grandparents tend to make more effort with their own daughters kids - certainly my in laws are the same, they literally moved next door to their daughter to do all of her childcare, but do none for their other 6 grandkids.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/06/2021 11:04

Well, from a practical perspective.

1 of their children has no help from spouse, no money coming in for paid childcare help, and 2 children (more than double the work).

1 of their children has a spouse on hand to parent permanently, 2 wages coming in to pay for paid childcare, and 1 child.

It sounds like they still work, so it simply makes sense to help the child that needs it more if they have any spare time to give.

Fullofglee · 30/06/2021 11:07

Much easier looking after older independent dc than a 16 months, I imagine it's been along standing thing, 16month old are hard work. Daughters and mothers tend to have a stronger relationship than a daughter inlaw. My dm says it's alot harder to negative a did relationship where as you can be comfortable with your own dd.

charlestonchaplin · 30/06/2021 11:07

In addition to the factors you have identified, the truth is that they probably have a stronger and more comfortable relationship with their daughter than with their daughter-in-law or even their son. I think that people often instinctively think that investing in their daughter’s children is a safer investment that will likely yield better returns. If the relationship with the DIL goes bad, then access to her children and the quality of the relationship with her children suffers, often regardless of the relationship with the son.

They’d have to behave really badly to affect significantly affect the relationship with their daughter’s children whereas a DIL is likely to be less forgiving.

Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 30/06/2021 11:09

Ask your parents to baby sit? Sorted.

Sally872 · 30/06/2021 11:12

SIL and her children need them to help. You and dh would like some help. Sounds like they still work too so with work and help with other grandkids it would be a lot to volunteer to take yours too. Also 16 months is a very tricky age.

Work on seeing them more socially so they still have a close bond with your child.

UserAtLarge · 30/06/2021 11:15

TBH it sounds like this might actually be a combination of the other GC being older, and SIL being a single mum.
And they have babysat for you, and helped you out when you are stuck.

I'd suggest visiting more to help them get to know your DC better. You might well find they are happier to do more with them when they are older.

Rosewood017 · 30/06/2021 11:16

I can see why they support their daughter in her situation more. However I don't think they needed to make a big song & dance out of making it clear they won't be there regularly to provide childcare for you. If you started asking every week then it would have been more appropriate to say something.

Original poster

alliej11 · 30/06/2021 11:31

Probably didn't explain myself well, by brief visits it's probably once a fortnight or a bit less frequent, they would pop in or we might go to them/go for dinner. So not necessarily that brief but just not offering to have our son by himself, like they do with the other grandkids. I dont think their daughter necessarily makes more effort its just that they worry a lot more about her, understandably. Also didn't add that the other grandkids go to preschool/school 3-5 days a week as well, so she does get a bit of time to herself then. My own mother lives across the country - its a couple of hours flight plus hour drive from the airport. She does come to stay and when she does always offers to look after DS so we can have date nights etc and goes out her way to have 1 on 1 time with him. So people are probably right that I'm not that bothered by whether or not I spend a lot of time with the in laws myself it's more really missing having that support that I feel I would have from my own family. Especially now that I'm back at work and getting used to juggling that.

OP posts:

Youdiditanyway · 30/06/2021 11:35

It’s easier to look after older children than a small toddler so there’s that element but also her being a single parent makes all the difference, she will naturally need more support than you do.

Livinthedream84 · 30/06/2021 11:35

Yes maybe you do need to make more of an effort with them. My parents favour my niece over any of my three children. In this case it’s out of sight out of mind though as we live outside the city and my sister lives down the street. My parents don’t see I need help or that we struggle. It’s unacceptable and my children (now teenagers) definitely notice. But my parents are the ones missing out not them.

I feel your situation is different though. Your SIL obviously does need more help and you are close by and could make more of an effort. What’s your relationship like with them OP? Do you get on well? Are you reasonable, willing to help them out and easy going?

Original poster

alliej11 · 30/06/2021 11:41

In laws have always had the kids more, and also paid for them to go to childcare from when they were young a few days a week to give daughter a break, they pay for a lot for them etc. I'm not saying that to complain about the money, just to explain in response to the people saying that SIL wouldn't be able to pay for childcare like we can. But yeah I totally get us needing less help most of the time.

OP posts:

Ozanj · 30/06/2021 11:43

@alliej11

You can’t compare your mil and DM’s interactions with your DC. The truth is even on once a fortnight she will become the granny he loves more; simply because he will see her more regularly. I agree with PP that it’s totally understandable for your in laws to worry more about their other GC based on the circumstances & you might find them more amenable if you visited more regularly when she has all the gc to help out. This is exactly what my sil used to do and it’s how she became my mum’s favourite lol so I do know what I’m talking about!

3scape · 30/06/2021 11:56

It was a bit off of your pil to make a point of saying you can't expect them to use up their days off - when you don't do that! It sounds like they'd rather not be looking after any of their grandchildren but are struggling to tell your SIL that, so are being snippy to you. There are plenty of single parents that don't have supportive families, my neighbours love their grandchildren but also grumble and clearly feel put upon but obliged by their daughter. Obligation is a huge thing.

Chloemol · 30/06/2021 12:01

The way I look at it this. If they provide all this extra support to their daughter ( who as a single non working mother shouldn’t, in my personal opinion, need any support) then that’s their choice. And she can then be responsible for running round after them in their old age as you and your husband will be working.

So when it gets to that stage leave her to it

Cattitudes · 30/06/2021 12:07

Would you and SIL be able to buddy up at all in terms of childcare? If you and dh are sometimes looking after her dc instead of PIL then there may be more energy in the pot for your dc. Or maybe she could sometimes have your ds if you are at work in an emergency.

Youseethethingis · 30/06/2021 12:07

I don't know, I went to all sorts of effort to make sure my MIL knew she was wanted as part of DSs life and she is even now off Disney Granning DSD and no doubt maintaining her new pretence that DS doesn't exist.
So you never know.

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