Am I being too sensitive that in laws favour their other grandkids

[alliej11]

I live in the same town as my in laws but far away from any of my own family.
We see my in laws every now and again for a quick visit and they have babysat maybe three times for my 16 month old, just for brief periods not all day or overnight or anything like that yet.
We once asked if they could take care of DS one day because his usual carer was sick and we both had to go to work (knew both DH's parents weren't working that day). They did look after him but made the point that we can't expect them to provide daycare on their days off as they want days off to themselves. Fair enough.
On the other hand they have their daughter's two kids who are slightly older overnight to give her a break about once a fortnight and often take them on outings as well. We once all went away for the weekend and SIL would go take naps while in laws did all the care, prepared all meals for her kids etc.
I know they think she needs a lot more help than us as she is a single mother, not working, very little money and has had lots of challenges with her ex, the father of the kids who doesn't help much, although he does have every second weekend with them.
So I do get why they help her a lot more but I still feel a little put out and worry that the difference in attention the grandkids get might become noticeable to them when they get older.

This reads youre jist jealous and want some free childcare op and don’t give a shit about the relationship.

YANBU at all

they should help their children equally and treat their grand-children equally, but sadly there's absolutely nothing you can do.

Maybe step away from them so your children don't get hurt. If you try to be too close, it will be obvious the grand-parents prefer the others and it's not fair on your children.

I think there could be a lot of factors at play here. And yes, one of those factors could just me that they are closer to SIL and her children than to you and your children. But other factors could include:

They spent time with SIL's DC from a young age and built up a relationship that made them very comfortable with those DC.

SIL's DC are older and therefore easier - certainly neither my parents nor ILs were particularly helpful when my DC were between about 6 months - 5 years!

They feel more comfortable helping SIL because she lets them get on with it. My SIL is actually great, but my brother is a pain and my mother always felt that if she looked after his kids it was always an issue because he was always moaning about how she did things (he moans about his in laws too). So she was less likely to offer than she was for me.

SIL offers in laws some kind of compensation. Not financially necessarily, but in terms of relationship/love/time etc?

I don’t think you are BU at all but that’s because I’m in the same situation.
My DC are now old enough that they noticed the difference themselves and asked me why they don’t get sleepovers, days out with Granny and Grandpa, pocket money from them unlike their cousins.
It’s really difficult to square off and I got to the stage where I stopped trying to justify it anymore or defend them.
Interestingly, the favourite ones are getting older and less interested in the in laws and our routine no longer includes them either. They’ve reached out to me a couple of times to ask us round for lunch. Tbh we’ve declined and I know that sounds petty but why should they get to ignore us during the difficult years and come creeping back now they are feeling lonely. Nah that’s not going to ‘work’ for us.

So much of this can stem from their individual relationships with their grown children. Is your husband close to his parents, as it sounds like his sister very much is?

My MIL has two sons and even though the whole family is very close, loving, and healthy, I can see that she just feels generally more comfortable popping in to our house and being a part of our daily humdrum. Primarily because my SO calls her every day for a quick natter and secondarily because she and I genuinely like each other, regardless of the family ties. It flows on into her relationship with our kids, no matter how careful she is to be equitable.

@Pedalpushers

I think grandparents tend to make more effort with their own daughters kids - certainly my in laws are the same, they literally moved next door to their daughter to do all of her childcare, but do none for their other 6 grandkids.

I’ve read this so much on MN but I’ve NEVER seen it IRL. I’m a DGM both maternal and paternal, and I treat all my DC and DGC exactly the same! What I do for one, I do for the other. As do all my friends!

So people are probably right that I'm not that bothered by whether or not I spend a lot of time with the in laws myself

This reads like you can’t really be arsed to spend time with them but are cross that they won’t give you some child-free time?!

Maybe their daughter actually likes spending time with them…

Maybe you are being a little oversensitive, but I don't think you're being completely unreasonable.

My in laws have probably looked after DS twice on their own, for about an hour in total, in 8 and a half years. Both times they called me back early. Yet they provide childcare for their other grandchildren. It wasn't even about babysitting, I was trying to encourage a relationship given that we live far away compared to most family members. It does hurt sometimes that they'll look after three children for a whole day yet can't spend half an hour alone with DS.

What was the dynamic when growing up? Ime it tends to continue into adulthood. So if your h is independent and only likely to ask for help in an emergency, it's not surprising if his parents assume that he'd ask if he wanted help.

Before kids, did your h invest time and effort into the relationship with his parents?

I think the warning about this not being an offer of regular help suggests that they'd rather not be doing childcare for their older grandkids. Perhaps their dd is good at making them feel sorry for her and hence them doing childcare ?

IME people will give you reasons that seem to justify situation - even if their assumption are wrong or situations change.

I'd suggest trying be grateful for what help you do get and if the children later on notice try and be busy yourselves or step in and changed subject when they go on about everything they did with other children.

In our case work moved us away at about the right time plus IL can and do travel to see the kids despite being much futher away -though they don't help with anything else even in emergencies it's DH and I - but they do 'know' and spend time with the children so there's strong relationship there despite the distance. With my parents - it is more they're my parents than their DGP - they're polite to them but there's not an independent relationship as it were.

If they are working and helping their daughter with her kids because she's a single parent they wont be getting much downtime. If they then start doing regular daycare for your ds then they'll get even less. I really dont think this is a judgement on the quality of their relationship with him or you, it's just circumstances. They are probably relieved that you have things under control.

It’s shit but common. My in laws favour DH’s brothers child over our (older) children. The blatant favouritism has caused a rift and we barely bother with them now even though they live around the corner. They also tell me I shouldn’t be getting any help from my own family either. DH’s brother and his wife work full time and have hobbies on the weekend or trips away so they ‘need’ a lot of childcare. It mostly comes down to the fact I have boys and their other grandchild is a girl.

@Cattitudes

Would you and SIL be able to buddy up at all in terms of childcare? If you and dh are sometimes looking after her dc instead of PIL then there may be more energy in the pot for your dc. Or maybe she could sometimes have your ds if you are at work in an emergency.

Possibly it was suggested by MIL that we could pay her for childcare so she had some extra money but I'm not really looking for regular childcare or anything as that is already organized

@Howshouldibehave

So people are probably right that I'm not that bothered by whether or not I spend a lot of time with the in laws myself

This reads like you can’t really be arsed to spend time with them but are cross that they won’t give you some child-free time?!

Maybe their daughter actually likes spending time with them…

I guess what I meant was that I'm not necessarily going out of my way to spend more time with them myself, than I alread do, like I think about once a fortnight is good considering that we work and only have weekends to ourselves as there were a lot of comments about me not making the effort. But It just heard my feelings that when we asked once for help the response seemed to infer that we were going to expect regular free childcare even though they visit or take their other GCs all the time without complaint.

@Dutch1e

So much of this can stem from their individual relationships with their grown children. Is your husband close to his parents, as it sounds like his sister very much is?

My MIL has two sons and even though the whole family is very close, loving, and healthy, I can see that she just feels generally more comfortable popping in to our house and being a part of our daily humdrum. Primarily because my SO calls her every day for a quick natter and secondarily because she and I genuinely like each other, regardless of the family ties. It flows on into her relationship with our kids, no matter how careful she is to be equitable.

I would say DH is reasonably close but also a very independent person that probably asks for help far less and doesn't really like to show emotions whereas sister in law I think goes to them for a lot more emotional support and in their minds has always needed more help, going back to when they were kids not just since her current situation. So definitely family dynamics come in to it.

Unfortunately my experience is that DIL’s children are seen as less important than DDs children.

To be fair, on MN at least, DILs very much seem to want to keep their PILs at arm's length when they have their babies, while spending loads of time with their own parents. So it's not surprising that GPs become closed to their DD's kids.

I'm not saying that applies to OP, but it's a well known MN thing and comes up every day.

I definitely think, it sounds as though, sil makes more of an effort to be involved with the inlaws compared to you and your oh who begrudge giving up more of their weekend time! That should tell you all you really need to know!if you want to greater equality then you need to be as equitable with your efforts too.
I think that sils situation is very different. You're in what seems from the outside a cost, easy situation with lots of financial and emotional support from one another. Sil is alone. A position on presume she didn't plan on. Everything stops with her. I'm happy for her that they have tried to make the lives of her and her children slightly brighter. And naturally being older than yours and seeing these grandchildren more, they're bound to be more involved.
You don't want to put yourselves out, but want the perks of a closer relationship.
The money, imo, is a moot point, given you're not in need and haven't been refused. Likewise they provided childcare when you went back to work when was needed. That's parity.
If you want more, you have to put in more.

It's not just about the free childcare it was more that in particular the response to that one day we needed the help felt like a rejection of my son - like why would they not want to have some bonding time with their grandson since they don't see him nearly as much as the others? I started thinking about how much that might be noticeable to him when he gets older like if he sees his cousins often on trips with the GPs. But yes it may change when he gets older and the care is less intensive.
I guess SIL does have a closer relationship with her parents than DH in some ways, but she doesn't necessarily make more effort, as she can be quite rude to them. DH has said he thinks she resents needing her parents help so much, but she has never really been independent even before being a single mum.
Just wondering what people mean by not making the effort in the relationship etc. - do fortnightly visits not sound like much to people or do you mean more staying in contact in between times with phone calls etc. DH is very independent and to be honest I do find MIL difficult and overbearing but they're still family so I'm still supportive of of the relationship I thought.

@alliej11

It's not just about the free childcare it was more that in particular the response to that one day we needed the help felt like a rejection of my son - like why would they not want to have some bonding time with their grandson since they don't see him nearly as much as the others? I started thinking about how much that might be noticeable to him when he gets older like if he sees his cousins often on trips with the GPs. But yes it may change when he gets older and the care is less intensive. I guess SIL does have a closer relationship with her parents than DH in some ways, but she doesn't necessarily make more effort, as she can be quite rude to them. DH has said he thinks she resents needing her parents help so much, but she has never really been independent even before being a single mum. Just wondering what people mean by not making the effort in the relationship etc. - do fortnightly visits not sound like much to people or do you mean more staying in contact in between times with phone calls etc. DH is very independent and to be honest I do find MIL difficult and overbearing but they're still family so I'm still supportive of of the relationship I thought.

Once a fortnight sounds like dutiful visiting. Inviting over to yours for lunch, inviting to join on days out etc sharing photos. Just calling to say hi. Popping over after work. Etc etc.

Fwiw I think babysitting 3 times in 15 months is a lot. I'm a lone parent and hadn't had that until probably my lo was nearly 4 years! Babies are hard work. Especially if not got as close a relationship.
I started thinking about how much that might be noticeable to him when he gets older like if he sees his cousins often on trips with the GPs. Then you'd have to be honest and say you didn't facilitate a closer relationship.
My child sees my parents a minimum of weekly, often 2 or 3 times. Sometimes only for a few minutes sometimes longer. An effort was made to ensure this is maintained.
One of my brothers only sees my parents when they want something or maybe every few months. They, like you, cite busy lives. My child has a closer relationship and my parents know them better. Is that my parents fault and bias? No, not imo. My brother could have done the same he didn't. My sil did the same as me with her mother though!

I’m a bit startled that your MIL raised the possibility of you paying her for childcare so she’d have a bit more money while showing no interest in ever having him unpaid.

That sounds off.

• to be clear; I don’t think GP should be unpaid childcare, but to have never initiated taking him out for a couple of hours to the park or whatever and then leap to being paid childcare, that’s just of when OP has never raised them being regular childcare and when they have their other grandchildren a lot.

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself

I’m a bit startled that your MIL raised the possibility of you paying her for childcare so she’d have a bit more money while showing no interest in ever having him unpaid.

That sounds off.

Sorry no they suggested us paying SIL not them

The more I give explanations the more I seem to dig myself a hole, so might have to stop! But didn't think we were just being dutiful and fortnightly visits is not a hard and fast rule, that it can be no more than that ever, that is just a rough average. PILS also have stuff to do on their property and with their own friends so I'm not sure they would even want to see us every week either. We are in the same area ish but it's still 20 min drive out of town to them so it's not an easy drop around quickly situation for us, although they do drop around when in town for shopping etc themselves. Often if we go out to them on weekends it's just us and the other grandkids while SIL is elsewhere. I feel that with that situation it's not so much that that she spends more time with them herself but that she transfers a lot of the primary caregivers role to them even when she is around, she steps back and parents take over. But 100% get its nice for to get the extra support given her situation. Also not upset about money at all, I just mentioned that, as one of the replies was saying that she probably gets more childcare from family as she can't pay for care, so I was just explaining that there is paid care there also.
But anyway given me a bit to think about, about my role in the situation.

FWIW OP I think fortnightly visits are fine

I totally get you OP. We are in a very similar situation, albeit some years ahead (my DC are teens) and my SIL is happily married but very career driven; her DC are now grown and off to Uni. We've watched as my SIL's children got full-time childcare from 6 months, taken away on multiple holidays every year, weekend after weekend staying with GP. My DC - I can count on one hand how many nights they have stayed over, they have been away with them and no real childcare except a few evenings of babysitting (where the DC had to be at their house and we had to take them home after we returned from wherever we had been). They did grudgingly take them to the park once - I thought it would be nice for them to share some time together! We all live with 10 minutes of each other.

PIL now can't understand why my DC don't have the same close relationship with them as their cousins do 🙄 Kids aren't daft. My DC saw the time spent and relationship differences from a very early age. I've had to bite my tongue very hard over the years as I don't want to influence the relationship between my DC and their GP, but my goodness it's been hard!

Not sure what advice I have other than to say you're not alone. It's not about money / saving money, it's about seeing the grandchildren as equal