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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my sister to travel to my house

75 replies

Pregnantabroad · 30/06/2021 08:09

She has an 8 month old baby and doesn't want to drive alone with her in the car in case she cries. I go to her house regularly. It's 30-40 min drive. She says I can't remember what it's like to have 1 baby (I have 4).

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 30/06/2021 10:43

Of course she should be sharing the travelling.

It frustrates me personally, when parents of one baby think that the world has to revolve around their one child, whilst other people are juggling multiple children.

If she can't bring herself to drive, then perhaps train or bus.

Maybe it sounds harsh, but presuming your children are still young, she must see that your workload is far larger than hers, having 4 times as many children as her, and be willing to share the burden of travel.

bananabanana67 · 30/06/2021 10:59

30 minutes in a car alone would be hell with my baby. she gets distressed and cries often in the car unless my partner is in the back with her. i don’t think your sister is being unreasonable, i think she’s right

Fernando072020 · 30/06/2021 11:02

My son is 11 months old and really doesn't like the car seat. Try to have some understandings for your sister. It's horrible to listen to your baby screaming, let alone for 40 minutes while you can't comfort them.
At 7 months old, my son got himself into such a state in the car that he was coughing and spluttering...and that was with me sitting next to him on a 30 minute drive. It was awful.

Babyboomtastic · 30/06/2021 11:10

How old are your children OP?

Original poster
Pregnantabroad · 30/06/2021 11:12

Thanks for all your suggestions, comments, questions. To answer some of the qs.
I have 3yo twins, a 6yo and a 8yo. I work most days and do school run on other days.
She is on mat leave and is pretty much free every day save for some baby groups.
Her baby cries sometimes when travelling in a car, but not every time.
I guess I feel that she's missing out on lots of activities that she could be doing by being worried about the possibility of the baby crying. Also, she says that she doesn't want to have the baby cry if she doesn't need to. Which I understand.... to a point.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/06/2021 11:13

This nervousness isn't uncommon amongst new mothers and driving. So try and treat it with sympathy even though it's inconvenient for you.

Original poster
Pregnantabroad · 30/06/2021 11:22

@Viviennemary

This nervousness isn't uncommon amongst new mothers and driving. So try and treat it with sympathy even though it's inconvenient for you.
It's not massively inconvenient. It's just limiting how much we see each other, which i think is a bit sad. My first child hated the car seat too but I still went in the car to do something I wanted to do. But I can't remember specific car journey times to be fair. I do remember flying alone with my son at 4 months but this was an important trip, a bit different to driving to my sister's house for the day.
OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 30/06/2021 11:24

I mean, she has a young baby and she is struggling to drive with the stress of the baby crying in the car and/ or the stress at just thought of the baby crying in the car during that journey. You're right, that seems really isolating for her.

In a year's time the baby won't be crying in the back of the car and she will be more relaxed. At that point she'll either have had a sister that pulled some kind of even-stevens shit and detailed how expertly they would have been able to navigate this situation in her shoes while lambasting her inadequacies across mumsnet or she'll have a sister that shelved the inconvenience and got her through to the other side of the crazy baby days without feeling like a dick. And that bit's up to you.

RowanAlong · 30/06/2021 11:39

Be kind, she’s new at it. Suggest she travels when the baby needs a nap.

Babyboomtastic · 30/06/2021 11:40

@FourTeaFallOut

Or in a year's time, her child will be just as bad in the car (mine were certainly worse at 18m than 8) and she'd have lost an entire year of being able to see people and do things.

It's not even stevens anyway is it - the op has 4 children, school runs and a job to negotiate. The sister has one child.

Maybe they should meet half way until the sister gets more used to driving with her baby.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 30/06/2021 12:30

Whether or not her concern is justified she doesn't feel comfortable with it. Either go to her or just see her less often.

HerMammy · 30/06/2021 21:53

Everyone commenting as if it’s a newborn, baby is 8months old & not known to be bad in car, not that’s he gets in one 🙄
She sounds incredibly precious, she says that she doesn't want to have the baby cry if she doesn't need to how is she navigating every day? living in silence? giving into every demand? it’ll only get worse.

problembottom · 30/06/2021 23:30

My baby hated the car seat at this age so I stopped doing long journeys and asked people to come to me as it wasn’t worth the stress. She grew out of it.

PrivateParty · 01/07/2021 17:49

@gettingfedupagain

I would drive 2 hrs with my baby of a similar age. If he cried, I pulled over. Sounds like she has anxiety?
Can't pull over if you're on the motorway or dual carriage way though.. I wouldn't push her too much.
Maggiesfarm · 01/07/2021 21:36

@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches

Whether or not her concern is justified she doesn't feel comfortable with it. Either go to her or just see her less often.
Exactly. She can't help how she feels.
theleavesaregreen · 01/07/2021 21:50

She sounds insane. Does she actually want to see you?

JudgeJ · 02/07/2021 16:17

@SoftSheen

If babies never travel they will never be good at it! Some of us who lived overseas were very used to travelling with babies without any problems, many of which are in the mother's head!

You've obviously never experienced a carsick baby then. How patronising.

We experienced problems but couldn't allow them to restrict our lives, we had to travel long distances, not 'patronising' at all, simply an opinion that doesn't match the MN mantra!
mam0918 · 02/07/2021 17:44

@Babyboomtastic

Of course she should be sharing the travelling.

It frustrates me personally, when parents of one baby think that the world has to revolve around their one child, whilst other people are juggling multiple children.

If she can't bring herself to drive, then perhaps train or bus.

Maybe it sounds harsh, but presuming your children are still young, she must see that your workload is far larger than hers, having 4 times as many children as her, and be willing to share the burden of travel.

My friendships work because Im a reclusive solo hermit and my home is my sanctuary for judgement where no one is allowed.

My friends are social butterflies who LOVE hosting and actually get depressed without a full house (its like they can't cope alone, they need the company).

I always travel to them and they never ever come here... its perfect.

My friends would have zero intention of ever coming here even if I invited them (seriously its near impossible to get them to meet up at a public place, they are very much home bunnies) because then they would be out of their comfort zone.

(same way I would be out of my comfort zone with people in my house)

mam0918 · 02/07/2021 17:45
  • from judgement
mam0918 · 02/07/2021 17:52

@Pregnantabroad

Thanks for all your suggestions, comments, questions. To answer some of the qs. I have 3yo twins, a 6yo and a 8yo. I work most days and do school run on other days. She is on mat leave and is pretty much free every day save for some baby groups. Her baby cries sometimes when travelling in a car, but not every time. I guess I feel that she's missing out on lots of activities that she could be doing by being worried about the possibility of the baby crying. Also, she says that she doesn't want to have the baby cry if she doesn't need to. Which I understand.... to a point.
Maybe she doesnt want to do activities though - maybe she is content at home enjoying her baby in peace and quiet.

I dispised when people kept trying to push 'mam' activities on me and hated every second of it.

I know people who swear by baby groups, classes, messy play and all that and kept insisting I needed mam friends but I didnt make mam friends because all we had in common was we had sex roughly around the same time.

Its 13 years late I still hate those activities and happily have no 'mam friends' (I have my old friends from before I was a mam and spend happy and health time doing non mam stuff with them).

Gladiolys · 02/07/2021 18:11

Depends on the baby. I avoid travelling alone with mine if I can because he will often cry until he’s sick and I find it stressful, dangerous and traumatising.

Agree with PPs you should try and meet halfway if possible.

FlippertyFlip80 · 02/07/2021 21:09

I used to time long journeys for nap time so the baby would mostly sleep in the car.

Hankunamatata · 02/07/2021 21:12

I was fine flying. Driving was an issue as I had a non sleeper. I drove into a wall while parking to go into gp surgery (I think I fell asleep)

Cameleongirl · 02/07/2021 21:22

I wouldn't say anything and just visit her when it's convenient for you/you have time.

Given your commitments, that won't be often, unfortunately, but that's just the way it is. I expect she'll get comfortable with driving her baby to yours eventually.

Eggnoggoanngoanngoann · 02/07/2021 21:35

I drove as part of my job before baby no 1 and during pregnancy without an issue..all over the country i live in. The moment i put that baby in the car seat to travel home all my confidence flew out the window and i literally have never fully regained that care free attitude i had towards driving ever again. I suspect its not a baby issue its a driving/confidence issue. Be kind to your sis ... shes maybe struggling with this and its hard to fully understand until u have been there. In saying that, she cant expect you to do all the running, so get her to suggest places every other time where she would be comfortable driving to thats a bit closer to you and you can meet for a catch up and a nice day out Grin

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