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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my sister to travel to my house

75 replies

Pregnantabroad · 30/06/2021 08:09

She has an 8 month old baby and doesn't want to drive alone with her in the car in case she cries. I go to her house regularly. It's 30-40 min drive. She says I can't remember what it's like to have 1 baby (I have 4).

OP posts:

OverTheRubicon · 30/06/2021 08:47

Some babies also really cry a lot more than others. 2 of my 3 would fuss or cry sometimes, 1 would scream for over an hour until he was over a year. My screamer still feels carsick - though doesn't actually vomit - so it was because he was feeling ill.

If her baby is just fussy but it makes her nervous, it also isn't going to be a safe drive.

Having more babies doesn't mean we know how it feels to have her baby. That said, if she can't drive then either she has to be ok to take the train/bus or to see you less.

BiddyPop · 30/06/2021 08:48

Well I used to drive home with a screaming baby from 5 months old, as she wanted dinner at the end of the workday but there were serious issues with congestion at that time (they've got better in more recent years as public transport improved). A journey that should take 30 minutes regularly took up to 90.

You get used to it, learn extra verses of Old McDonald, and pull over if there is a serious issue (nappy change, sometimes I'd give a feed in a hotel car park etc).

But I had to work. And if baby didn't learn to accept the car, we could never go see extended family who are almost 3 hours away.

But there were days I felt bad about it - I just had to get on and do it. And give her a big cuddle when we got home.

Livingintheclouds · 30/06/2021 08:50

I always drove the hour to my friend's when she had kids and I didn't. Then hers were school age when I had mine - and lo and behold it was still me making the journey with baby and toddler. Somehow it was always more convenient for me to make the journey....

BiddyPop · 30/06/2021 08:51

And yes,we had reflux issues, so explosive vomiting and/or nappies were not uncommon, she is still somewhat prone to travel sickness (but gets on with things, just always carries a spare outfit), and was later Dx'd ADHD/ASD. But you have changes with you, mats for car on days you think it may be bad, and keep talking or singing so baby knows you're still there.

Youdiditanyway · 30/06/2021 08:52

Guessing her baby is a car screamer, some babies are and it’s difficult to drive with a baby screaming in the back so I understand her anxiety. 80 minute round trip isn’t exactly around the corner, I’d cut her some slack personally.

Sally872 · 30/06/2021 08:52

I am reading "incase she cries" to mean that the baby isn't a baby known for screaming in the car but this is something the mum is worried about.

It is unfair she won't drive to you and ridiculous to think a mother of four doesn't remember what having a baby is like.

However there is nothing you can do about it, go the amount of times you are happy to go and if she wants more regular visits she will have to do some of the driving.

strawberrymilkshakeisdelicious · 30/06/2021 08:55

I have huge anxiety around driving and also felt like this with my baby (also my first). I was worried she'd cry and I wouldn't be able to soothe her and would have to pull over (which is a nightmare for me, i hateeeee stopping in unfamiliar places and panic about it!!)

I would encourage her to try baby steps (driving shorter distances) for now. Then build it up to a bigger drive. Maybe set her a challenge to drive up in a month and do four shorter drives before then. That's what I did.

My little one (thankfully) always falls asleep in her car seat, so is never upset etc.

Velvian · 30/06/2021 08:57

My DD, DC2 of 3, hated travelling in the car and screamed the whole time. If her baby is distressed by travelling, I don't blame her at all.

As DD got older it was obvious she suffered with travel sickness.

Fundays12 · 30/06/2021 09:07

I am with you on this one. She needs to learn that if she wants people to visit her she has to visit them to. Her baby is 8 months not 8 weeks old. I have 3 kids and was an anxious first time mum. I still didn't think the world should revolve around me

Maggiesfarm · 30/06/2021 09:13

Don't judge your sister. I know 30-40 minutes is not a long car journey and babies usually go to sleep in the car anyway, but your sister cannot help how she feels. It will pass.

I remember after having mine I dreaded going out of the front door for a while, never mind driving. It didn't last but was worrying while it did - and I couldn't help it.

EL8888 · 30/06/2021 09:15

I thought it was a well known phenomenon that you have children and you can’t leave your local area?! Some friends of mine have 5 year olds children yet can’t travel. I’m being sarcastic about her rather than you, l had friends like this and it’s gone on for years. I got bored of running round around after them. There needs to be give and take

WhySoSensitive · 30/06/2021 09:16

It depends if the baby is a car crier / bad traveller OR if she just doesn’t want to do it ‘just in case’

Fwiw I don’t like long journeys when my babies are small, all my family respected it… although by 8 months I was comfortable doing it.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 30/06/2021 09:24

How old are your children? Driving with DC now 3 is completely different to driving when they were younger and couldn't articulate why they were upset. DC used to scream so much they'd make themselves sick which was awful when on the motorway. She's probably being a bit precious, but if she's not a confident driver and her baby is still not sleeping well, that's not a good combination for being safe on the roads.

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 30/06/2021 09:26

Her choice not to drive. Yours to reduce the frequency of meet ups if you are tired of doing all the driving?
Silly question but could she get the train? My DC loved it at that age and I found it less stressful then having a rear facing child cry the entire journey in a car.

newnortherner111 · 30/06/2021 09:55

No way should someone so anxious be driving. I wish anyone else feeling similarly did the same. Bus or train perhaps?

Keepmekeeping · 30/06/2021 09:56

It depends on why you are going, who's going for instance do you have a 3 5 7 and 9 year old you need to pile in the car? or is it just you alone? If its just you for a catch up then I don't think I'd mind just going to make it easier for her. However if your going to help her and have to bring 4 small children at 8am then she needs to come to you sometimes.

I remember it being so daunting taking ds1 out because we needed so much crap and he was a crier it was just so much work I preferred people to come to me but if they had babies or other reasons I would go. DS2 thankfully was a dream and I carted him everywhere happily.

SoftSheen · 30/06/2021 10:00

I have 2 DC. At that age, DC1 was fine in the car and a 40 min journey would have been a non-issue. DC2, however, would have screamed blue murder for the entire journey, and probably vomited everywhere too. At that age I did everything I could to avoid car journeys, and when a car journey was essential, I often had to follow it by stripping of the car seat cover and washing it. Not fun.

mam0918 · 30/06/2021 10:04

If she is going to be a danger to other road users then she shouldnt be on the road regardless of what you think.

I have only been in one crash as a driver, it wasnt my fault someone who was distracted by their autistic son shouting pulled out into me when he missed a red light.

Luckily everyone was ok as it was quite a slow road but distractions to the driver when driving could have fatal consiquences.

IronTeeth · 30/06/2021 10:06

@CupOfTPlease

If you're happy to go to her just go to her? Complete non issue being made an issue.

maybe OP is fed up of always having to make the effort to go over, I have a relative that wont visit and always expects you to make the effort

Notaroadrunner · 30/06/2021 10:06

Has she a partner? If so could she try the journey with him a couple of times to see how baby gets on? Unless she knows for definite that baby will cry then she's been overly cautious. There is no reason you need to visit her often if you don't feel like driving.

30mph · 30/06/2021 10:08

At 8 months and a first baby, I'd say be kind to your sister.

Soontobe60 · 30/06/2021 10:08

@Macncheeseballs

It does seem a bit odd for such a short journey

Half an hour of a screaming newborn when you’re trying to focus on driving isn’t the most relaxing way of getting from A - B though.

JudgeJ · 30/06/2021 10:13

@Sirzy

She doesn’t have to travel to you BUT she can’t expect you to travel to her just because she doesn’t want to.

Can you meet somewhere in between?

Some babies just aren’t good at travelling

If babies never travel they will never be good at it! Some of us who lived overseas were very used to travelling with babies without any problems, many of which are in the mother's head!

PurpleOkapi · 30/06/2021 10:20

She doesn't owe it to you to travel to your house, regardless of why. If you want to see her so badly, go to her house. If you don't want to do that because it's too far or too difficult, YABU to think she should do the thing you won't do yourself.

SoftSheen · 30/06/2021 10:24

If babies never travel they will never be good at it! Some of us who lived overseas were very used to travelling with babies without any problems, many of which are in the mother's head!

You've obviously never experienced a carsick baby then. How patronising.

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