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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed with my daughter

67 replies

ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 01:12

My eldest daughter turns 20 soon. She has misophonia (properly diagnosed!) and autism. It was CAHMS who gave her the diagnosis, which they were in two minds about (as fairly mild) but then they proceeded as she'd get support at university. So she has high functioning autism.
We are due to go on a caravan break in a few days' time, with family members. This was booked to celebrate the 'big birthday' of a much loved family member. At the time of booking I checked with my daughter that she was happy to come, and she said she was. So I booked a 3 bedroom caravan for she and I and her two siblings. Due to her misophonia, she would never be able to share a room. All good.

Now that the time is drawing much nearer, she is starting to freak out about it. Instead of coming for the 4 nights originally booked, we agreed she'd come for 2 nights. Now she wants to back out of that and not come at all.
I won't lie, I am disappointed. I have always been massively supportive of her, and her biggest advocate. I adore her, she's wonderful. But she's freaking out about thin bedroom walls and hearing snoring sounds, eating out with others and 'eating' noises, being with family members all day - though I have explained that we can do our own thing too. She is working herself up about it completely.
It disappoints me that she won't try it for one night, to celebrate with a family member who has given so much to us all. That she can't change her mindset and get out of her comfort zone for once. The only reason she is awkward around family is because she rarely leaves her room.
I'm sad because this will be our only holiday this year, and because just for once, it would be nice if it could be normal and plain sailing. Pissed off because she won't meet me halfway on this. Embarrassed because I don't know how the fuck I'm going to explain her absence.

Am I putting too much on her?

OP posts:
SezziBaybee · 30/06/2021 01:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

SpacePotato · 30/06/2021 01:17

Would she not use ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones?

Ponoka7 · 30/06/2021 01:18

Yes you are. You tell them that she isn't up to it. Are you embarrassed because you have an autistic child who has other issues? In what ways do you think you've advocated for her all of these years? There's a simple explanation as to why she can't 'come out of her comfort zone' which your family should be well versed on and understanding of.

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/06/2021 01:19

That sounds exactly like my daughter too.
It sucks, but there's nothing you can do, and as I'm sure you know, she'll be feeling utterly shit about it, even if it doesn't seem that way.

Daydrambeliever · 30/06/2021 01:20

You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed but it would be unreasonable to display your annoyance. She has two diagnosed conditions that are impacting her decision making.
She is also an adult. All you can do now is tell her how much you would love her to come and ask her if there is anything you or siblings can do to make it easier for her be there with you - then be neutral about whatever decision she makes.

Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 01:20

Thanks. It's not easy. My family really don't get the autism thing at all, particularly as she's so adept at masking.
God forgive me for saying this, but I sometimes wish I had a 'typical' 20 year old. It makes me sad when I see groups of young people having fun together. I so want that for her, and for her to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 01:22

@SpacePotato

Would she not use ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones?
I have suggested this of course, and have already bought in preparation more earplugs than you could shake a stick at! But she said she'd be too embarrassed to wear them in company.
OP posts:
Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 01:25

In what ways do you think you've advocated for her all of these years?

Oh wow, that's very judgemental. Well, given that I've been her mother for the past 20 years, I guess you'll just have to take my word for it. We are very, very close.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 30/06/2021 01:30

Are you disappointed or annoyed? And if you're annoyed - what specifically is making you annoyed?

GertietheGherkin · 30/06/2021 01:34

It's a difficult one. If she doesn't really want to go, and she's forced to, to fit in with family plans she'll not enjoy it. On the flip side if she doesn't go, you feel you've got to explain her abscence.
Surely your family know of her difficulties? If so would they not just accept that she couldn't cope with attending?

It seems unfair to be annoyed, as she can't help it... When she agreed she may have felt differently, as it's drawn near, she's now not wanting to go. That's her choice.

wandawaves · 30/06/2021 01:40

If she's too embarrassed to wear ear plugs or headphones, what about air pods? A lot of people wear them a lot of the time, I don't think people would really notice or judge her for it. My DD with misophonia does this.

theThreeofWeevils · 30/06/2021 01:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be annoyed, since your adult daughter is clearly not prepared to compromise in any way.

Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 01:47

Thanks everyone. I guess my annoyance comes from paying for a 3 bed caravan when I didn't have to, and just wanting her to make the effort.
She only told me a very short while ago that she didn't want to come, so I'm still processing that. I'll be fine in an hour or so Smile And I've just given her a big hug and told her it'll be ok, whatever she decides.
Update: she has just come through and told me that she's determined to try. If she wants to sack it off after one night, that'll be fine with me Smile

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 30/06/2021 01:48

It’s a shame she can’t come, and annoying that she said she would be happy to and wants to back out now. Is she getting much support? It seems like her conditions are affecting are stopping her socialising which must be rubbish for her as well.

On the other hand, I don’t know if I’d want a caravan break with family as a 20 year old uni student. Especially with family members who would judge or misunderstand me, as you’ve said they don’t ‘get her autism.’

Onlyfoolsandfathers · 30/06/2021 01:49

She's probably been to hell and back trying to work out what to do. You have the easiest role here probably. Though definitely not easy.

Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 30/06/2021 01:53

I know it's not easy for her. Trust me, I really do.

OP posts:
theThreeofWeevils · 30/06/2021 02:00

she has just come through and told me that she's determined to try. If she wants to sack it off after one night, that'll be fine with me
Good for her! Flowers

Torvean · 30/06/2021 02:01

I have misphonia. I absolutely hate eating out with other. However I force myself to go every so often.

I still feel really irritated but by going I feel I'm more in control of it.

I don't have autism though.

Peoniesandpeaches · 30/06/2021 02:13

It’s frustrating but maybe something to consider for the future would be earplugs specifically designed for misophibia. Flare audio calmer earbuds were a game changer for my autistic partner. You can’t tell they are in as they are translucent and they just seem to dampen certain frequencies (specifically around the frequency of eating noises).

Absentia · 30/06/2021 02:30

Maybe read some pages written by #actuallyautistic adults. One thing they will explain fairly quickly is that functioning levels are rubbish and typically explain how neurotypical people are impacted by that persons autism, not how much autism affects the actually autistic person.

Try Spectrumy on Facebook.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/06/2021 04:48

I know a few adults with autism ( three ) and they get totally stressed out before going away. I think it's the change they find hard to take. They all have complete meltdowns the day before and feel they can't go and become totally overwhelmed. Then they go and get on fine. So maybe as your dd goes through this fear of change..aside from her other issues ..she will actually go and enjoy it in the end.

silliphant · 30/06/2021 06:01

It won't just be the noise that's stressing her out, that'll just be the thing that she can articulate. It'll be the change, the worry about other sensory issues, food, change to routine and surroundings. It's probably good to try and reduce your expectations in advance as much as possible and just think of having her around a bit as a plus.

I'm trying and failing to think of a good analogy, but imagine telling someone who uses a wheelchair that you're all going on a walking holiday. It's a lovely route and you've made sure there's wheelchair access the whole route so they can come and join in - but in reality the path is really bumpy and full of little hills and slopes, and who knows if the toilets are wheelchair friendly etc. The chances are that even with equal access, the whole thing will probably be a bit more stressful and physically exhausting for them than others.

WeMarchOn · 30/06/2021 06:28

I'm autistic and going away is stressful, new surroundings and unaware of what to expect.
Can i also say she may be "high functioning" for you but females slip through the radar because we mask very well, so high functioning for you but for her it's a lot of effort, stress & anxiety trying to conform in a neurotypical world.
This is why a lot of #actuallyautistic adults really dislike functioning labels.

SuperMonkeys · 30/06/2021 06:31

How far away is it? If it isn't a massive distance, and she has transport, could she just do the daytime parts?

GuyFawkesDay · 30/06/2021 06:52

Can I just add that I have misophonia and a bit of auditory stress caused by iffy hearing and inner ears.

I absolutely love my flair calm earplugs. They allow sound through but they alter it so it reduces auditory stress. They're an absolute winner for me. Definitely helps with my misophonia and levels of stress around noise.