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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my child wait to be sure she wants these things

47 replies

Weirdmom · 29/06/2021 13:45

So my daughter is 11 and has told me she's non binary.. Over the last month she's decided she wants to change her name, pro nouns and bind her chest...
One of her friends decided the same thing a few months before and I'm unsure if this is something to fit in or a phase etc?

I know I'm gonna get alot of hate for this but I'm finding it very overwhelming all of a sudden and I don't want her to rush into descions that could affect her later in life if this turns out to be a phase etc

she has undiagnosed adhd and odd and sometimes does act alot younger than her peers and can be very impulsive. I'm trying to support her the best I can but I'm at a loss at what to do if anyone has any advice or experience please.

OP posts:
AnUnoriginalUsername · 29/06/2021 13:47

Accept the name and pronouns. Get her sports bras, the ones that don't have cups safely push the boobs in.

Pushing against her will only make her feel it more even if it's not how she will ultimately feel. Teens have always experimented with their identity now there's another element to that.

EishetChayil · 29/06/2021 13:48

Social contagion.

You'll be told that you're a bad/unsupportive/bigoted parent if you don't blindly accept this, but the alternative is a very thorny path of hormones and surgery.

Come over to the sex and gender board. There are several posters there who are in your position, and they get excellent advice and support.

Perfectlystill · 29/06/2021 13:48

I would treat it as a) a phase and b) attention seeking. Give her lots of love and attention but don't let her doing anything it would be hard to come back from.

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 13:50

You're probably right to encourage them not to rush into things. One of my DSC is always changing her mind at that age, yet alone something big like this.

Okcookie · 29/06/2021 13:50

Binders are really, really harmful and can cause long term damage.

They'll also prevent her from running around because they restrict breathing.

As for the rest, I don't know the best way to deal with it so won't comment.

Hopefully someone with more advice will be able to help.

Flowers
Sirzy · 29/06/2021 13:51

I would go along with the name as that isn’t going to cause long term damage but I wouldn’t be allowing the binding at all.

Lilypansy · 29/06/2021 13:53

She's only 11 - too young to be fussing about gender. As someone else said, it's social contagion. Do you think she would have said this if she hadn't been surrounded by a lot of trans/ gender/binary theories? Would she have even considered herself 'non binary' if she hadn't heard the term bandied about?
It's getting out of hand.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 29/06/2021 13:53

Not probably, definitely right to encourage her not to rush into these things but also agree that you have to tread carefully so as not to push against her and make her feel it more. It is very very difficult for parents to navigate. I'm early 30s and my parents did not have these kind of issues to navigate.

Agree you should hop over to the feminism sex and gender board for some advice and insights.

bridgetreilly · 29/06/2021 13:53

I would say don't make a big thing of it. Just nod and smile, and let her know she can decide that when she's an adult. I would definitely be pursuing diagnosis for her ADHD etc and getting her good support which focusses on those things, rather than encouraging her to think that changing gender will somehow make her feel 'normal'.

If she has breasts, the sports bras/bralettes are a good option. They don't look girly, but they will be supportive for her.

Tal45 · 29/06/2021 13:54

Let her be called what she likes and referred to as she likes, but don't change anything legally. A hard no to binding her chest but get her some minimising bras. This seems to be the latest thing - think punk/goth/emo - and no doubt she will grow out of it, but indulge her safely in the meantime would by my advice.

3scape · 29/06/2021 14:00

Treat it as a phase or attention seeking is the worst advice. It's no bad thing to advise taking things slowly and trying temporary 'fixes' but demonstrating your lack of belief in and care for your child's feelings will inevitably result in their rejection of you AND severely impacts on their future mental health.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 29/06/2021 14:01

What should OP do then @3scape ?

Original poster
Weirdmom · 29/06/2021 14:03

Thank so much for everyone's helpful and understanding replies as I've felt so low and unsure on how to persue this is a way that I'm not just dismissing her. I'll repost this on the other board like advised.

As for adhd and odd diagnosis I really don't know where to start, I have tried doctors and cahms but neither were helpful.

OP posts:
EmmaJR1 · 29/06/2021 14:05

I would view it as she can do anything that's not permanent 🤷🏻‍♀️

So name and pronouns yes, binding no.

She's so small and so much will change.

bonbonours · 29/06/2021 14:06

Have a look at Bayswater parents support. There is definitely a trend and social contagion going on here and not rushing into anything is really important.

PartTimeLegend · 29/06/2021 14:07

Sit her down and ask her to explain exactly what she means by non-binary, and why she feels that is who she is.

I'd also be wanting to know how come 11-year-olds think they know enough about this to make any kind of decision, when most of them won't even have reached puberty yet.

DrSbaitso · 29/06/2021 14:10

Like others said...name and pronouns, sure, but nothing permanent that could affect her development, fertility and so on.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 29/06/2021 14:10

I'd also be wanting to know how come 11-year-olds think they know enough about this to make any kind of decision, when most of them won't even have reached puberty yet.

This. Agree with the social contagion comments too- I have two close friends who have 10/11 yr olds- one is saying they are non binary/and bisexual, the other is saying they should have been born the opposite sex.

This isn't just coming from nowhere. This was not a thing when I was that age in the late 90s.

Lilypansy · 29/06/2021 14:11

demonstrating your lack of belief in and care for your child's feelings will inevitably result in their rejection of you AND severely impacts on their future mental health
The OP isn't demonstrating a lack of care. She's the mother of an 11 year old who has jumped on the latest social bandwagon. At 11, the daughter needs to feel secure and loved, and she won't be scarred mentally by her mother just saying no. She's more likely to feel that her mother is caring for her.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 29/06/2021 14:16

Most 11yo's can't even give a straight answer about what they want for tea ime...
Divert would be my thinking... New hobby /plan a trip /new friends.....
Tell her when she is a teenager you will chat again.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/06/2021 14:19

I'd be fine with the name change. I'd try and avoid "she" and "her" as much as I could but wouldnt apologise if I forgot/miss spoke.

I'd refuse hands down to support binding. I'd look together at safe alternatives. Sports bra as recommended above, sizing up on hoodies etc.

I'd look at what can be done to better support her as she navigates her body as it changes through puberty (as I would with a child who wasnt feeling the way she does).

ConstanceGracy · 29/06/2021 14:19

This seems rife in secondary school now, it’s like being straight and binary is uncool .

1forAll74 · 29/06/2021 14:25

I would try and tell her to stop thinking about all this silliness, and stop copying what her friends do. Children are not fully aware of the implications of all the things that are in vogue these days,when at this age.

VodkaSlimline · 29/06/2021 14:35

I would be very "that's nice, dear" about name and pronouns but would not allow binding (does she even have anything to bind?) as it is not safe. There are some useful resources here: www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

Keep a close eye on what she is doing online - there's a lot of grooming and cult-like behaviour associated with this movement.

maxineputyourredshoeson · 29/06/2021 14:35

My DD is 11 and has recently told us she is gay and has also said that she is non binary.

We have had several talks with her, we have explained that we will always love her and nothing will change that. We have spoken to her about putting labels on herself or putting herself in a ‘box’.

I’ve spoken to her about how others may say they are something they’re not and how it can be ‘fashionable’ to put labels in themselves.

For us we have decided to go with the flow but she’s not said about changing her name or binding etc so that is somewhat easier.

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