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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to spend *all* of Christmas Day with my family and not DH's?

28 replies

bunyanvillas · 22/11/2007 20:21

My family live in Ireland and I see them about 3 times a year. They pop over very occasionally, too. For the last 4 years, for various reasons, we have always spent Christmas Day with DH's family which is lovely. However, this yr my family are coming over and staying in a hotel - the plan being for us to join them for the day with dd. I'm really looking forward to it. DH wants us to pop to his parent's house first (they live about 10 mins away) for present giving etc. But I don't want to do this! Principally because I'd rather have a nice Christmas breakfast - just the 3 of us - open dd's stocking etc - and then head into town so that we can have the maximum amount of time with my folks. We're only seeing them on Christmas Day so I feel that this is important. And in any case, we'll be spending Boxing Day with DH's family, who see dd on a very regular occurrence. DH has a brother and a sister who also live very nearby so it's not as if his parents will be spending Christmas Day on their own. However, DH is not happy about my wish and wants to see his family on Christmas Day. But why can't he grant me my wish just this once? My parents don't get to see dd on other special occasions such as birthdays. Am I being unreasonable ...?

OP posts:
moondog · 22/11/2007 20:22

Oh pop in for a quick sherry. Will keep everyone happy and yopu can enjoy the rest of your day without feeling like a shrew.

Hulababy · 22/11/2007 20:23

It doesn't cound unreasonable for you to spend this one Christmas Day with your family.

Hekate · 22/11/2007 20:26

No. But is it worth falling out with your dh over?

Have you said how special this is to you and offered him an alternative - like going over christmas eve and soaking up atmosphere and exchanging gifts - can be really nice! and going over again boxing day?

Personally, I'd tell him exactly how much it means - going on about how much you miss your family and NEED to spend the whole day with them, but not putting it like you don't want to be with his parents.

I'd also be prepared to give on the breakfast, tbh. Pick your battles. It would be nice but not essential and it's something you could give up for a compromise if you had to.

But you would have to INSIST on a time that you left his parents and a set time your family expects to meet you, and a commitment from him that he will indeed leave with you at this time, and not tell you once you're there that he's stopping at his parents and you can take your dd on your own!!

themildmanneredjanitor · 22/11/2007 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hildegard · 22/11/2007 20:29

Your wish isn't unreasonable at all given your past christmas arrangements, but I agree with moondog, it won't really hurt you to pop in for a little bit. I would do it just to keep the peace.

Original poster
bunyanvillas · 22/11/2007 20:33

Oh, I know .. we could pop in for a bit. But I'm feeling so annoyed with him as I've told him how much it means to me - it's not because I don't want to spend the day itself with his parents! My family have it far from easy - dad had a quadruple heart bypass operation this year - and my brother has been in a wheelchair since he was 17 courtesy of a drunk driver. Yet they are still making the effort to come over AND they never make me feel bad about the fact that I am not living closer to them. I'm not trying to make this into a sob story, far from it - I just feel that DH is being unfair in this instance. Equally though, I don't want people to think that I am a shrew - what a horrid word, shudder!

OP posts:
ja9 · 22/11/2007 20:34

after reading title i thought you are def being unreas...

however, given past christmasses i understand where you are coming from better.

having said that... it's your dh's folks. do you have ds? imagine his dw preventing him from seeing you for a bit on a future xmas...

having a wee ds is definitely helping me be a better d-i-l i think! some day i'll have to compete with a girl for his affections [sob]!!

themildmanneredjanitor · 22/11/2007 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sushipaws · 22/11/2007 20:37

I understand how you feel, I have 2 sets of parents and the in-laws to see when we go home for Christmas. It's a problem every year as each set puts pressure on me and my husband to spend more time with them.

Would it be totally unreasonable for his parents to come to the hotel for an after dinner drink? Then you would get to see your folks for the day and his family could see yours.

When I suggested something similar to my MIL she ummed and ahhed then made some excuses and agreed to see us on boxing day Just what I wanted.

Good Luck

Original poster
bunyanvillas · 22/11/2007 20:39

I would suggest that the inlaws join us later for a drink - but they don't drive so wouldn't be able to get there. Last year we spent Christmas Day with DH's family - and then Boxing Day too. And the same for the last 3 years. They are lucky to have all their family on the doorstep. Why we can't just duck out for one Christmas, I just don't know.

OP posts:
clam · 22/11/2007 20:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I would probably feel the same in your position. However, is it going to create an atmosphere all round if you stick to your guns? In which case, I'd compromise by popping in quickly. But I must admit, we did that one year, and got sucked in to a large family breakfast which went on for ages, and no-one could start on the presents until the clearing up was done (properly)and the lunch checked, and by the time we got to my family's house, we were horribly late (and stressed). It depends how much control you'd have over the 'popping in'... or more to the point, the 'popping out' again!

stleger · 22/11/2007 20:40

If you can see both lots on Christmas day, do it. You never know what will happen over the next few months (from bitter experience).

WinkyWinkola · 22/11/2007 20:42

YANBU. Many people alternate which GPs they spend Xmas with each year. It's your family's turn this year, bunyanvillas. And your DH's folks won't melt - they're seeing you all on Boxing Day. Dearie me.

I think it's really important for 'young' famillies to establish their own rituals and routines in their own homes for Christmas. Why not? Grandparents have had it with their kids. Now it's time for the grown up kids to decide what they want to do with their kids. If it means going to GPs house every time, brilliant. If it means having a special Christmas morning just parents and kids, brilliant. I'm sure the wider family all gets a look in at some stage.

Having said this, I'm lucky in a sense. DH is Jewish. We still go to his folks on Boxing Day anyway because everyone's on holiday and it would be mean not to. I'd rather not because we spend so much time there at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur etc. But hey ho.

Sushipaws · 22/11/2007 20:43

Would it be too much for a taxi, you could offer to pay? Chances are they won't come anyway, but at least your giving them the opportunity and it looks like your willing to compromise.

themildmanneredjanitor · 22/11/2007 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGrimUpNorth · 22/11/2007 20:54

Why should she compromise? Why can't her in laws compromise? Sounds like she's had Christmas with them every year up until now.

I get fed up with always the same person compromising.. . .

crapcook · 22/11/2007 20:55

themildmanneredjanitor - mine are in Oz. Luvverly jubbly!!!

Original poster
bunyanvillas · 22/11/2007 21:02

I guess I just feel that my family deserve a special day with dd and that they should have her all to themselves! It's just for one day for goodness sake. I just wish that dh could see where I am coming from on this. But as he can't, I guess I will be caving in ... The only other suggestion is that I agree to split the day - but that we then do exactly the same on Boxing Day (parents are flying home day after Boxing Day).

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 22/11/2007 21:06

I reckon stand your ground. DH's parents have had the pleasure of your company every year until now.

crapcook · 22/11/2007 21:08

As your folks are coming all the way over from Ireland, surely they deserve the pleasure of your company for this one special day. You are being very reasonable imo.

MorocconOil · 22/11/2007 21:15

Agree with Sushipaws. Give them the option to join you at the hotel, and then they can not feel excluded. They should really accept that you want to spend the day with your family for once and it not be a problem.

clam · 22/11/2007 21:21

Actually, I think I would be holding out to spend BOTH days with your lot . No, really, I mean it! As you've said, DH has brothers and sisters locally, you see them all the time, and your parents rarely get to see you and DD, and have had a tough time recently. What are they going to do all Boxing Day in a hotel on their own? Or maybe in-laws could invite them for Boxing Day too???

TheYoungVisiter · 22/11/2007 21:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - but in your position I'd rather pop in for presents with his family and have a nice day afterwards, than be righteous about it and possibly spoil my precious day with my family.

Why don't you suggest, as a compromise, that you pop in to see your family on boxing day as well, that way you get to see your family both days...?

Dropdeadfred · 22/11/2007 21:29

I would NOT budge on this...If DH wants to see his family tell him to go on his own and meet you later. If necessary get a txi to the hotel.

In years to come you could hate him for robbing you of this Christmas with your family.

TheYoungVisiter · 22/11/2007 21:31

DDF, to be fair he's not exactly ROBBING her of her Christmas with her family! It's only a quick pop-in being discussed!

Although I do agree in principle.

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