To be saddened about article discussing baby loss

[ohstarrynight]

I became pregnant in 2019 for the first time and at my 10 week scan to check on some spotting, the sonographer noticed that the nuchal translucency looked a bit high but wouldn't tell us anything further. At our screening scan 2 weeks later, they confirmed that my baby's NT was over 9mm with a large cystic hygroma and booked me in for a CVS 2 days later. It was then confirmed the following week that my baby had a chromosomal abnormality that meant she very likely wouldn't survive to birth and if she did, would lead an incredibly difficult and short life with many surgeries and life-limiting qualities. Sadly we made the decision to welcome her to the world at 16 weeks gestation.

I read a BBC article yesterday about baby loss/terminations (and actually have read several articles with the same theme in recent months) and people in the comments are so horrible to women who have gone through this. Someone actually wrote that women who choose this have taken the easy way out.

It was not the easy way out. I was induced, went through a painful 8 hour labour with contractions and birthed her. I met her. She had a name. It was not easy.

And anyway, even if someone's baby was going to be severely disabled but still survive, isn't there anything to be said for someone being honest about their capability to take care of a baby/child/adult with those qualities? Women who care for their children with disabilities are incredible, however it doesn't mean that women who decide not to are 'playing with eugenics' or 'being selfish' (words taken from comments section). I would much rather parents be honest about this than bring a baby into the world that they can't commit to caring for (emotionally, physically, financially) and who then may suffer with their quality of life. Children with disabilities can lead very full and happy lives but it can take a lot of hard work and sacrifices from parents to ensure that happens.

I know I'm taking this all very personally and know we made the right decision for her and our family, but it's still just very sad. I miss my daughter.

I'm sorry for your loss, no judgement here.
Imo comments should not have been open for an article like that.

The BBC's comments section is spectacularly nasty, a combo of bottom-feeders and out and out trolls. Please don't let them mess with your head

You took your gorgeous daughters suffering and instead carried that suffering for the rest of your life . It was an act borne from love.

The Internet covers the full spectrum of humanity, including those that don't have any, they don't deserve any space in your mind.

I am sorry for your loss.

What crockof said so beautifully

Sorry for your loss 💐

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter. Random article contributers don't have the right to take a position on the decisions you make for your family- she is your daughter and you made the decision you made because you love her and wanted nothing but the very best for her. No-one else gets a say.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Personally I think you've been very brave and did the absolute best thing for your baby. She's at peace and nothing and noone can ever hurt her. Her life on earth would have been so brutal but you spared her that because you're a mother and your love is more powerful than anything else.
Please please please let these ignorant comments wash over you. Hold on to your baby girls memory, not their cruel words.

Sorry for your loss, your experience sounds awful but I would have done the same in your position.
Don't let horrible trolls get to you

The thing about comments sections and forums is that anyone, absolutely anyone, can share their opinion. However misinformed. So you're always going to run the risk of seeing the absolute dregs of society, people with zero experience of the matter in hand, sharing their ill informed opinion that nobody asked for.

I really, really don't imagine the people saying things like that have been through what you've been through. Personally I've always felt that TFMR is the opposite of the easy way out, you made a decision that caused you immense pain in order to spare your child suffering. That's the most loving thing you could have done. You are a strong, incredible parent, even though your daughter isn't here anymore. You did what you could do for her to ensure her life, however short, was as painfree as possible, and you have my utmost respect and condolences.

I don't think anybody should be passing comment unless they've lived through it like you have. What an incredibly hard decision you had to make and I'm so sorry for your loss. Please stop reading such comments, they are made by people who have no idea what it's like in reality. Sending you love

You put your daughter's health and wellbeing needs first despite the devastation and grief that this decision caused. I'd say that shows the unconditional love you have for your daughter. I'm sorry for your loss, ignore those people who say otherwise and often are commenting without having any personal experience.

I’m sorry you’ve been affected by this. Sadly a lot of people that comment on these things will never have actually been in this position. I have a child with severe disabilities. With my subsequent children I had amnios done knowing I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if anything was wrong. Years ago before children I would definitely have said I wouldn’t terminate for any reason. You’ve done what was right for your family.

Caring for a severely disabled child takes up your whole life, literally. It’s incredibly hard. Caring for my son is a 24/7 job. My child is now an adult. Apart from how his disability affects him it has also has affected the whole family. No days/nights out, no holidays, none of the things regular families do. We’ll be caring for him until we’re no longer able to. He seems quite happy but I’ve no idea how he really feels as he can’t communicate.

I belong to a few support groups from school/college etc and a lot of parents are very honest talking about this exact subject.

Don’t read any more. You made the right decision for your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you had to see those nasty ignorant comments, almost certainly from people who have never been in that situation.

Opinions, as we know, are like arseholes...I would avoid any comments sections on these articles. If you do see any by accident, give them "all due respect". They're worthless.

The comments sections of the BBC / Daily Mail etc tend to be full of bitchy young men who have no experience of even living outside their parents’ houses let alone of parenting. Ignore

You will always get these nasty pro lifers reviling women who make choices that are right for them. Ignore it.

@worktrip

You will always get these nasty pro lifers reviling women who make choices that are right for them. Ignore it.

This.

YANBU OP.

Never read the comments, all trolls and disgustingly cruel people.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult to make a decision in that situation, but I would have done the same as you, Takd care, Xx

Your decision was selfless and I can’t begin to imagine how hard and painful it was to make. It’s terrible that it has never been easier for people to sit in judgement of others and spew out their thoughtless, ignorant opinions for all the world and it’s mate to read.

Such a shame that the spEak You're bRanesblog no longer exists. It was dedicated to the most inane comments on news websites, and there's a reason it started with the BBC's Have Your Say...

I had a TFMR in 2019 and also find it very painful to read these sorts of articles and comments. No one knows how they would feel until they are in that position. It’s easy to say “oh I would never terminate a much wanted pregnancy” until you’re actually faced with the knowledge that you will have a severely disabled child (who might not make it through the whole pregnancy in any event) and the impact that will have on your existing family, if you already have one. I sometimes wonder if I might have made a different decision if I hadn’t already had my DS to worry about. It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make and certainly not the “easy way out”.

I work with children in care- some of whom have complex disabilities. Their parents were simply not able to care for them.

I’m betting that none of those arseholes making comments are planning to train as foster carers to care for these children.

You have been very brave OP

The anonymity of the Internet brings out a hugely ugly side to humanity. I doubt any of those trolls have ever faced a situation of such devastation. A lot of them are competing to say the most atrocious, shocking thing possible so they can brag to their mates about how extreme they are. Very immature and just shows them up for the poor excuses of people they are.

In my view, you have been through something horrendous and have been amazingly brave. I list my son under different circumstances but I know the feeling of being expected to make an impossible decision. Deciding to put your child first in order to reduce their suffering comes at the cost of huge maternal guilt, I should know. It's definitely not an easy way out. Ignore those awful people.

The decision not to continue a pregnancy is never taken lightly. Nobody wakes up one morning and goes through the process on a whim. It is not reckless or selfish or easy or shameful. I have had a termination (not for medical reasons) and it took me years to be able to read anything about it or even read the word without experiencing profound sadness.

The end of a pregnancy is accompanied by grief no matter how it ended and those feelings of sadness I once felt have now become a passion to defend a woman’s right to choose and to shut down the views of forced-birthers.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think women who make the decision you did are incredibly brave and selfless and I think that's actually the opposite of the easy way out.
I think it is incredibly cruel to knowingly bring a baby into the world that is going to live a very short time and is going to suffer and be in pain, it is an extremely tough decision to bring an end to a much wanted pregnancy but I do believe it's the humane thing to do.

You had a very difficult experience and I would never judge you for the brave decision you made.

Ask yourself how many of those people commenting have been in you situation. There’s no reason you should trust the judgements of strangers on the internet (I know, there’s some irony here) but, a technique I use is to image commentators in a room together and give them facial expressions, tones of voice, life stories etc. We all look the same in type but for all you know they could be twelve year olds or have been continuously wearing the same pyjamas since the start of lock down or have terrible social relationships or own Margaret thatcher commemorative plates etc. It’s okay if other people disagree, they’re likely misinformed or are so different to you their opinion doesn’t count.

If you’re drawn to reading about experiences similar to yours find a supportive environment to do so. There will be somewhere online.

So sorry for your loss.
Please don’t take other people’s opinions personally. I try to think what other people think of me is none of my business . You sound like a lovely kind lady and I am so sorry there are insensitive people out there writing/ saying things they have little/ no personal experience of. Please don’t read their stuff , just like we would avoid reading opinions of certain groups normally.
I hope you allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your daughter.
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