To be saddened about article discussing baby loss

[ohstarrynight]

I became pregnant in 2019 for the first time and at my 10 week scan to check on some spotting, the sonographer noticed that the nuchal translucency looked a bit high but wouldn't tell us anything further. At our screening scan 2 weeks later, they confirmed that my baby's NT was over 9mm with a large cystic hygroma and booked me in for a CVS 2 days later. It was then confirmed the following week that my baby had a chromosomal abnormality that meant she very likely wouldn't survive to birth and if she did, would lead an incredibly difficult and short life with many surgeries and life-limiting qualities. Sadly we made the decision to welcome her to the world at 16 weeks gestation.

I read a BBC article yesterday about baby loss/terminations (and actually have read several articles with the same theme in recent months) and people in the comments are so horrible to women who have gone through this. Someone actually wrote that women who choose this have taken the easy way out.

It was not the easy way out. I was induced, went through a painful 8 hour labour with contractions and birthed her. I met her. She had a name. It was not easy.

And anyway, even if someone's baby was going to be severely disabled but still survive, isn't there anything to be said for someone being honest about their capability to take care of a baby/child/adult with those qualities? Women who care for their children with disabilities are incredible, however it doesn't mean that women who decide not to are 'playing with eugenics' or 'being selfish' (words taken from comments section). I would much rather parents be honest about this than bring a baby into the world that they can't commit to caring for (emotionally, physically, financially) and who then may suffer with their quality of life. Children with disabilities can lead very full and happy lives but it can take a lot of hard work and sacrifices from parents to ensure that happens.

I know I'm taking this all very personally and know we made the right decision for her and our family, but it's still just very sad. I miss my daughter.

@Crockof

You took your gorgeous daughters suffering and instead carried that suffering for the rest of your life . It was an act borne from love.

The Internet covers the full spectrum of humanity, including those that don't have any, they don't deserve any space in your mind.

I am sorry for your loss.

I couldn’t have put it better myself, @Crockof.

Huge {{{hugs}}} for you, @ohstarrynight.

I remember reading an article online once about severely disabled children...and in the comments section everyone was saying they'd love to adopt a disabled child. I read it and thought, really, would you really want to do that? It's very easy to say you would but vast majority of people wouldn't and were just saying what they thought you should say. I bet virtually none of them would actually be prepared to turn the rest of their life upside down.

@Comedycook

I remember reading an article online once about severely disabled children...and in the comments section everyone was saying they'd love to adopt a disabled child. I read it and thought, really, would you really want to do that? It's very easy to say you would but vast majority of people wouldn't and were just saying what they thought you should say. I bet virtually none of them would actually be prepared to turn the rest of their life upside down.

Of course they wouldn't. It's easy to say "I'd adopt a disabled child tomorrow" when you know that no-one's going to ask you!

I really think there are far too many people who haven't a clue about how difficult it is. They might have helped in a minor role in some project or at a club, that is not the same thing at all. Parents of disabled children not only have to cope with the disability, they also have to repeatedly battle the authorities for proper care, proper educational provision, respite care, the lot. They encounter a lot of ignorance both in the general public and (in too many cases) also among professionals. While, in many cases, having to also care for other children.

Very few people adopt disabled children. Whatever the "pro-life" lobby say.

"Every one has the right to decide what they consider to be a life vs an existence"

I agree but as the parent of a severely disabled child I wouldn't want someone around us in helping capacity as that poster seemed to be, who felt that way about my child.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Three years ago, on my 6th IVF, I finally got pregnant for the first time. I did the Harmony test which showed a very rare chromosomal abnormality. I did a CVS to confirm it and sadly had a TFMR at 15 weeks. The baby had a 1% chance of a live birth, but would have had severe disabilities and likely pass away within a few weeks of birth. It was awful, so I fully empathize.
Ignore anyone who is judgmental.

(I went on to have twins at my 10th IVF).