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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS what I saw?

36 replies

Issamorr · 28/06/2021 22:25

This is my first post here so apologises if this is in the wrong place.

DS is 16 and so is his best friend. They've been friends since year 7 and they've just finished year 11. His friend is gay. He's always came round here and had tea and played on the Xbox with DS.

Today, he came round and they were playing on the Xbox. I went upstairs to put some washing away and I noticed DS and his friend kissing (The door was open).

I'll obviously be fine if he's gay or in a relationship with his friend but I'm not sure he knows ill be fine with it (he knows his dad is very homophobic).

I'm now wondering if I should tell DS what I saw or if I should wait for DS to start the conversation? Any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:
Comedycook · 28/06/2021 22:26

Haven't you already posted about this?

KindergartenKop · 28/06/2021 22:26

Wait for DS to mention it. But make general supportive comments in the interim.

HotPenguin · 28/06/2021 22:29

I'd be most concerned about your DH and his homophobic views. I think tackling that is more important than what you say to your son at this stage.

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/06/2021 22:30

I wouldn’t say that you saw him. His sexuality is his own business and he should be allowed to come out in his own time.

I would, however, be making sure he new that you love and accept him regardless of who he is attracted to.

Are you still with his dad? If so you really need to confront his homophobia as this is likely to be incredibly damaging to your son (as well as being plain wrong).

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/06/2021 22:31

*knows that

Notaroadrunner · 28/06/2021 22:31

Are you still together with his dad? Just wondering how awkward things will be if he tells you he's gay and dad is also living there. Dad will have to cop the fuck on fairly quickly or risk losing his son. If his dad is not living with you then at least he has a safe space to tell you in his own time. I suppose you could always casually ask if his friend has a partner to see if he opens up then. But I don't think I'd tell him that you saw them together. He might not even know how he feels himself.

Garraty47 · 28/06/2021 22:31

I thought this post just got removed?

nimbuscloud · 28/06/2021 22:32

Again ??

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 28/06/2021 22:33

I would suggest making general supportive comments too. Make it part of your daily conversation and make sure he knows you are supportive of LGBT people.

Bloodypunkrockers · 28/06/2021 22:33

Is this a TAAT

LeopardPrintTits · 28/06/2021 22:35

Definitely keep it to yourself until your DS feels ready to come out to you. I would be concerned that his dad is homophobic though (assuming you and his dad are still together and that you can challenge his homophobia or simply LTB)

Original poster
Issamorr · 28/06/2021 22:40

No, I'm not with his dad. Although DS does see him regularly.

OP posts:
Seesawmummadaw · 28/06/2021 22:42

Would you mention it if it was a girl?

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 22:43

I'll obviously be fine if he's gay or in a relationship with his friend but I'm not sure he knows ill be fine with it

Why does he not know this?

LadyCatStark · 28/06/2021 22:44

100% sure this has been posted before.

RonaldMcDonald · 28/06/2021 22:47

Nope
He will tell you or not tell you about his sexuality - in his time and in his way
It may be something he never discusses and that is his right
Maybe work to bolster his self esteem in general if his dad is a dick

SnuggledUpInABlanket · 28/06/2021 22:48

It doesn't necessarily mean he is gay, he might not know himself yet. Give him space to figure it out for himself. Make sure he knows you are there for him if he wants to tell you. He is entitled to privacy.

Original poster
Issamorr · 28/06/2021 22:48

I'm not sure if DS knows this, I'm fine with his friend, so he might know ill be fine with him but I'm not 100% sure.

And yes, I did post this earlier but I posted it too soon so MNHQ agreed to take it down.

OP posts:
covidcloser · 28/06/2021 22:49

And yes, I did post this earlier but I posted it too soon so MNHQ agreed to take it down.

You posted too soon for what?

Justmuddlingalong · 28/06/2021 22:51

Leave him be. He'll talk to you when he's ready.

TheRebelle · 28/06/2021 23:07

I wouldn’t say I’d seen him but I’d probably just say something like I know your friend is gay and your dad can be homophobic but you know if you were to be gay I’d still love you, don’t you?

Summerfun54321 · 28/06/2021 23:14

I wouldn’t say I’d seen him but I’d probably just say something like I know your friend is gay and your dad can be homophobic but you know if you were to be gay I’d still love you, don’t you?

Something like this. Don’t ignore it but maybe don’t lead with you catching him kissing his friend.

Summerfun54321 · 28/06/2021 23:16

I don’t agree with others saying just leave it. If he has an openly homophobic father it could be causing him a huge amount of stress about how to come out to you if he doesn’t know how you’ll react. Better to be proactive and let him know you’re ok with it even if it’s indirectly.

covidcloser · 28/06/2021 23:24

@TheRebelle

I wouldn’t say I’d seen him but I’d probably just say something like I know your friend is gay and your dad can be homophobic but you know if you were to be gay I’d still love you, don’t you?

Your children should know this long before they are 16 though.

Littlelegs2 · 28/06/2021 23:38

If it was me. I would leave it for a bit as he may realise you saw him. And he may feel embarrassed. Maybe in a week or so you could bring up a general conversation. He might not even be gay it could be that he's exploring.

My son came out about a year ago. But he saud does not want to be labled I told him that he does not have to be labled he can have a relationship with who he chooses. And its not an issue