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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and hosting

34 replies

Coolcoolcool · 28/06/2021 10:26

Would love to know what the dynamics are when you go to visit grandparents with your kids.

We’ve come to stay with my in-laws for a couple of weeks with our 6 week old and 3 year old. Because of Covid we haven’t been down to stay with them for a year. They have recently stayed with us though.

With my parents, when they come to stay and when we stay there, they love to serve us practically - doing odd jobs, shopping and preparing meals, gardening. They won’t naturally jump at helping with childcare, but when asked they are willing.

With my in-laws, their natural inclination is to help out with the kids first and foremost, and they are excellent at it. When they come and stay with us though, they expect to be hosted, which suits us fine as we know the kids are in safe hands and I can focus on cooking, getting drinks etc.

So different strengths but a nice mix. We get on with both sets really well.

AIBU though that when we come to stay with the in-laws for a couple of weeks they will have considered what our 3yo might do for food though?
I’m not expecting them to cook specifically for him, but think through meals & timings and think if they’re suitable for him to join in, if not let me know and I’ll make a different plan? He’s not a fussy eater at all, but so far meal timings have been at bed / nap times and not been child-friendly (spicy curries etc) or enough for leftovers.

I don’t mind cooking something separately, but they don’t have any other food in. They came to stay with us recently so they know the kind of stuff he likes, or they could ask. I think I was thinking they might have in some bits of things that I could work from - cereal, bread, fruit, veg, yoghurt etc. And I get the rest in, but they’ve not even got that.

I probably am BU, but with my mum she asks and gets in food she knows kids like. My MiL is very health-conscious, so I didn’t expect snack food from her, but theres not really the basics in either.

I am not at all expecting to be waited on hand and foot, or for them to cook meals for us the whole time we’re there either. I think I was just surprised that they hadn’t catered for my ds at all, even have some stuff in that I can cook from.

Anyway, I probably am BU, just wanted to know what they dynamic was in your families? If you go to stay, do you sort out your kids food separately?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 28/06/2021 10:29

I would expect them to have bread in but I would bring anything else. Not everyone eats particular cereals/yoghurt so I’d bring whatever I knew my children ate.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/06/2021 10:33

Both my parents and ILs would buy in food the kids would like when they were little and and would make lunch at 12'oclock for all of us so they could eat before a nap and then would cook an early tea for the kids before bed etc.

So yes, they would cater for the kids and basically do what we'd do re timings.

It's odd that they don't. Can you pop to a shop and buy in a some easy food to prepare? Sausages, fishfingers kids ready made stuff, etc.

BigusBumus · 28/06/2021 10:39

Just go and get some some chicken goujons, oven chips, baked beans, fish fingers or whatever the InLaws are unlikely to have and shove them in their freezer. Each day ASK what time dinner is likely to be served and make your own judgement about your childs tea based on that. Simples.

Original poster
Coolcoolcool · 28/06/2021 10:44

@fruitbrewhaha I think because that’s what my parents are like, I was expecting more like that.
@BigusBumus that’s what I’m off to do today! Thing is, my ds at home mostly eats what we eat with us, so made assumption we would do the same here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolcoolcool · 28/06/2021 10:46

It’s not that they don’t have any specifically kid-friendly food, they literally have no food! I was trying to rustle up something last night, but they didn’t have bread, pasta, eggs or anything

OP posts:
babba2014 · 28/06/2021 10:49

As a family of Indian heritage, we have spicey curries etc but my mum will make it less spicey for the kids.
My in laws live nearby so we don't stay but their food is very very spicey. We would have to sort our own thing out. We don't get help with the kids though either but I'm okay with that.
We try to feed healthy things only for my children but wherever we go we take our own organic snacks from the supermarket. Not something my parents would think to buy for example.
Your DH should take charge in this though as it's his parents. He can go make something or just ask his parents. If not then in future you know to be prepared and he can tell them one of you will cook something for little one.

babba2014 · 28/06/2021 10:49

Is there no supermarket nearby?

Hankunamatata · 28/06/2021 10:51

I send an asda food delivery to my parents just before we arrive with all stuff kids like.

Mumdiva99 · 28/06/2021 10:51

My parents bend over backwards to ensure they have stuff in.
Husbands family to begin with had nothing. So I would have to bring everything. Then they started to clock some of the regular items - milk, juice, loaf of bread etc
Now they have gone back to not doing it.
I just ensure I have enough for day 1 and then go shopping for the rest of the time. We also like to take packed lunches when we go out so I get all those bits too.

As for flexibility on meal times - they used to eat dinner earlier with us when the kids were little - 5:30. Now my kids are older and can be more flexible. They never eat breakfast or lunch with us - but will cook brunch the day we leave....which would be noodles or dim sum or pasta.
It's fine - as long as I know I just work around it.

HGC2 · 28/06/2021 10:57

With both sets of grandparents they ask before we go to stay what the kids eat and then we all eat what the kids enjoy, luckily they like most things but it has always been about them spoiling us all a little, I know we are very lucky

TurquoiseDragon · 28/06/2021 11:04

I don't have grandchildrren yet, but would make sure I had some food in. I mean if you're hosting people, you need to make sure you've got food in for all the people you're hosting, not just adults.

Livingintheclouds · 28/06/2021 11:12

If this has been your previous experience then I'd either bring food with me or ask if they could have a few basics. Or better yet get your partner to ask them, as presumably he/she shares the child feeding responsibilities and it's their parents?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/06/2021 12:10

Get your DH to tell his parents that they need to get X, Y and Z in for the kids.
Also, he will need to explain that dinner times can either be split so that the 3 yr old can be fed and then off to bed a little while later and then the adults can eat or that you all eat together but it's at a time that suits everyone.
It needs to come from your DH though - he needs to and must get his parents to be prepared for the adjustments for the duration of your visit that will be necessary for that visit.

Coldilox · 28/06/2021 12:38

Just ask in advance that they get XYZ for the kids. That’s what I do when I go and stay with my mum.

HFJNS4829ih · 28/06/2021 12:59

Neither of our families get anything special in. My parents would get additional food i.e. more of the stuff they usually eat, PIL dont even do that. PIL expect DH to buy kids what they like, my parents expect us plus the kids to eat what they have......the only thing we insist on with both sets is timings i.e. am not making my kids wait for my parents to have their lunch at 2.30. So a bit of both really. We just adapt now. Not a big deal really

Yamashita40 · 28/06/2021 13:09

Both my parents and in laws buy specific food for my kids and know their likes and dislikes.

Yamashita40 · 28/06/2021 13:13

In fact my mam actually goes out and does an extra shop for us for our house just with kid food every week. She doesn't buy food for the adults but she will buy bananas, yogurts, cereal bars, kids lunchbox fillers, those bloody Innocent smoothies etc etc.

JudgeJ · 28/06/2021 13:28

I'm looking forward to having my grandaughter to stay for a part of the Summer holidays so I'll be stocking up on what she likes, we'll go and shop for things like her current favourite cereal etc when she arrives. We've done this since she was quite small, it isn't the same issue now she's an old lady of 10.

Ponoka7 · 28/06/2021 13:32

I no longer eat bread or diary, it was the only way to survive the menopause and subsequent weight gain.

I think your DH should have opened up discussions about this. Be honest about timings. I would always cater for my grandchildren. I always know what mine eat and have it in. Other family members ask and get it. We adjust timings to suit the children if they are reasonably needed.

FunMcCool · 28/06/2021 13:35

I would have believed you that you weren’t expecting to be severed if you hadn’t said a few times “it’s what my parents do…” I think you do want to be served. You say you like
Them and they are nice in other ways. This is a small issue that could be solved by you bringing food for your son. Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.

NeedNewKnees · 28/06/2021 13:37

My parents always asked what to get in for the grandchildren - cereals, fruit, snacks, preferred meals.

maddy68 · 28/06/2021 13:40

Just cook for your three yr old at the appropriate time for him. Why should everone else have to shift when they eat ?

Just get some fish fingers etc and pop them in their freezer. And just ask when they are planning to eat and sort your three yr old old accordingly. No big issue

gillysSong · 28/06/2021 13:42

I think your dh should be sorting this, maybe he could cook something separate for the kids.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/06/2021 13:42

@FunMcCool - the OP could say that because she was simply comparing how her side of the family deals with visiting and staying over versus how her DH's side of the family appears to be dealing with it. Nothing about being served. I think you're reading too much into it.

wasthataburp · 28/06/2021 13:45

Just go to the shop and get some bits in you know your kids like and feed them with it at times suited to them.