Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel confused and overwhelmed.....

39 replies

Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 19:03

I can't work out if I'm over- complicating things and need firmer consequences or if I need to seek support for my 5 year old. I'm a teacher and feel I should know but I really don't! The methods which work with kids at work don't work on him and behaviour is going down the pan.

He has always been an over thinker and is becoming a very anxious child. Lots of talk about people dying again atm which has been a recurring theme since age 3......

He's having meltdowns immediately after school daily now. Awful with change so probably linked to end of year coming up. But everything is SUCH a big thing with him- his emotions are HUGE and it literally takes all day to manage and support him through them. Can't cope with many age appropriate films or tv, even some of cbeebies is too much to handle still.

On days where it's not possible to give the attention he craves( e.g lots of 1:1 playing, talking/ constant cuddles, outside play and reassurance) we have meltdown after meltdown. I feel he is constantly seeking distraction from his own mind.... he is always talking/ moving etc.

Hates going/ doesn't notice when he needs the loo. He never has accidents but gets aggressive and hyper when he holds. Lots of sensory issues.

BUT no sign of any of it at school or with others. Firm consequences just seem to get into a spiral of more and more negativity even with lots of positivity too.

Help :-(

OP posts:
3scape · 27/06/2021 19:16

I am not sure why you're expecting methods of classroom management to apply to your home? He's your child and obviously a very emotional one and the world has been a very anxious place for a very large chunk of his life. Keep an eye on this but it could be general sensitivity.

worktrip · 27/06/2021 19:24

have you considered autism? The emotions seem quite extreme.

Smartiepants79 · 27/06/2021 19:25

Some of this sounds very extreme to me. Even if it turns out to be nothing specific it’s sounds like you needs some help.
I think you need to start working out what can be done to help him. Your experience is telling you this is not ‘normal’. So it’s time to do something about it.
Is he masking at school? They’re really not flagging up any issues?
As a teacher you know that getting support for this kind of thing can take a long time. Get the ball rolling.

Looubylou · 27/06/2021 19:38

Hi OP, can you speak to your GP or school nurse? Based on what you are telling us, he would benefit from CYPS assessment - or whatever service does ASD etc assessments for his age. Ignore people who may say it's just parenting if he's OK at school. Lot's of children with for eg ASD can "mask" at school, then meltdown in their safe place after the effort of coping all day. You are obviously concerned so keep badgering until he gets the assessments he needs.

ForeverSausages · 27/06/2021 19:40

My 6 year old is exactly the same. Following with interest.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 19:43

I am used to supporting children emotionally, encourage self regulation etc. I'm struggling to do it 24/7 whilst looking after a sibling/ cooking/ working etc etc.

He is ignoring and trampling over boundaries and struggling emotionally. I feel like he is constantly goading to get a reaction because he can't cope with how he feels. Sensitive/ kind parenting is what we've always done but this doesn't seem to be enough at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 19:46

@Smartiepants79

They have said he gets teary easily and reacts in an over the top way if he falls over etc. Tells takes a lot but plays with others well.

It is having no impact on his progress and he does well academically.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 27/06/2021 19:47

The entire world has been wrong for a quarter of his life. Lots of children are struggling with their emotions.

If he can control at school that's good. There's less than a month until the holidays.

He's probably just exhausted

morticiiiaaddams · 27/06/2021 19:54

I would push for a referral for an ASD assessment. The wait time can be a very long time. But if you are in a position to go private I can recommend The Owl Centre. My child got a diagnosis within a few weeks and subsequently the right support and help.

Smartiepants79 · 27/06/2021 19:55

It might be fair to wait til the start of the new school year. See if the holidays help and how he copes with the new school year.
All I can say is that what you’ve e described raises a few flags. You must know that If you saw this in school you’d be questioning possible ASD. Of course it may just be that the last 18 months have been challenging.
You do say that some of this stems from a very young age. An obsession with death at 3 is unusual….
You know him best but the faster you deal with it the quicker you’ll get him some support.

morticiiiaaddams · 27/06/2021 19:55

Not saying it is ASD btw. But it sounds very similar to my child so it's worth exploring in my opinion.

beigebrownblue · 27/06/2021 19:55

there is an understanding that some of us are HSPs (highly sensitive people) google this there are several books on it.

Yes, world has been an anxiety provoking place in past year or so, espeically in schools.

It may also tough simple be that he gets over stimulated and needs more quiet time.

Biking0077 · 27/06/2021 19:56

M DD has always been like this she has a high need to understand / control. (At 9yrs it was confirmed she is on ASC) Things at that age that helped were a visual timetable of the day I drew stick figures to illustrate what was expected of her, breaking it down a lot. Like what the morning routine was. Removed as many trigging stacking things as possible to keep her anxiety levels low. All clothing labels were removed, socks had no seams, shoes had Velcro etc. Breakfast was sometimes frozen peas and crunchy carrots, for sensory feedback. Individually none of these things caused a meltdown but add 3,4,5 of these things and she just couldn’t cope. At school she masked like a perfectly behaved NT child then get through the door at home then multiple melt downs and her personality sometimes ‘runs’ the family. She listens to mindfulness app every night to calm her mind pre-bed and has a spinning seat in her room. She struggled a lot when school insisted on it being fun to show ceebeebies TV at school for golden time, she hated it I had to ask for quiet colouring fo be given as an option as she couldn’t cope with any film etc and didn’t want to go to school on those days!

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 19:58

I have considered autism but was leaning more towards it being high anxiety, which is why I asked on here....... wondering how common this is with sensitive children really.

He appears fine socially and has lots of friends though does fixate on children at times. The emotions/ sensitivity is what I want to support him with.

Half of me says get the ball rolling in case like looubylou says....... half says his behaviour is not surprising given the last year like 3scape said.

OP posts:
MouseInCatsClaws · 27/06/2021 19:58

I'm currently reading the out of synch child, my son has similar difficulties. A lot of it is resonating with me, you might find it useful

MouseInCatsClaws · 27/06/2021 20:00

Like yours, my son has always been emotional and anxious but always at home. Has been assessed by an OT which was no help, but I'm sending him to a private OT now who specialises in sensory processing. I'm hopeful this will be some use in helping him process emotions

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 20:11

@Biking0077 personality running the family really resonated with me.

I do feel more and more there is something other than anxiety but also think I will wait till autumn to seek extra support. I just want him to be happy and feel he is struggling a bit at the moment :-(.

He has said to me- 'why does my friend not cry when we have to leave the playground?' ( literally sobbing all the way home) so is becoming aware that children don't always feel things as strongly as him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 20:15

@MouseInCatsClaws I've been meaning to buy that book- sounds like it would be worth a read.

OP posts:
ExhaustedGrinch · 27/06/2021 20:36

My DS had all the same things at that age. I've been pushing for an ASD assessment for years and we're finally on the waiting list but already been on it TWO YEARS! I'd start the ball rolling to get an assessment, no harm done if it isn't but if it is ASD then it's worth getting this done as soon as possible.

Someone upthread mentioned private assessments, I looked into this and apparently the NHS/Schools etc don't always accept private assessments as evidence of ASD so be wary of what it's like in your area before paying out for one. Please someone correct me if I'm wrong because I'll book one for my DS if they're more widely accepted now.

BlankTimes · 27/06/2021 20:40

think I will wait till autumn to seek extra support

Waiting list times are very long.
Get a place in the queue now, you can cancel if things have changed by the time he's ready to be assessed.

Biking0077 · 27/06/2021 20:44

It is exhausting having a child like this. She’s intelligent bright enquiring mind but her emotions do rule our house at times. I have an older DD as well who is the opposite far calmer. Really look at the trigger sticking things in his day that build up to the meltdown and see what you can manage out. We have many many chats with her about finding other outlets for her feelings as they are very intense yet 98% of people who know our DD have no idea she has any markers for ASC. As mum I take the massive brunt of it as I’m her safe place at home. Good luck supporting your DS especially after this year it’s hard for all of them but when you have a very sensitive one it’s even harder. I’m half way through reading The Explosive Child by Ross Green which was recommended to me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/06/2021 20:49

Hi OP

Struggling with transitions eg crying all the way home because school has finished, difficulties processing emotion, sensory issues, meltdowns etc. all sound like autism more than anxiety. As others have said it can be a long process to diagnose so you can always start the process for referrals and a process to help in case it is anxiety simultaneously.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 27/06/2021 20:51

I'm reading the explosive child at the moment. It's pretty good. It makes you realise that most behaviour is triggered by the same kind of things, and it's about identifying these problems and working with the child to help them cope more effectively. I'd recommend it!

katplva · 27/06/2021 20:53

A child who is highly emotional and sensitive may have ASD, but it is also worth looking at sensory processing difficulties on their own too. DD has ADHD and often acts like this - over-reactions to everyday things, and as a PP described she runs the family some days. Medication has made a huge difference for her as well as lots of age-appropriate talk about emotions, triggers and self-regulation. Good luck in getting the ball rolling with this OP.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherpark2020 · 27/06/2021 20:59

It sounds like it would do no harm to get him on a waiting list- I can take him off if it becomes unnecessary later on. Is it usual for children to mask that well @Biking0077?

People who know him would think I was mad if they knew I was worried about him- he stands out a little for being quirky at times or talking lots but shows none if the behaviour I've described here in front of others.

I will look at the explosive child too, thanks.

OP posts: