To feel confused and overwhelmed.....

[Anotherdayanotherpark2020]

I can't work out if I'm over- complicating things and need firmer consequences or if I need to seek support for my 5 year old. I'm a teacher and feel I should know but I really don't! The methods which work with kids at work don't work on him and behaviour is going down the pan.

He has always been an over thinker and is becoming a very anxious child. Lots of talk about people dying again atm which has been a recurring theme since age 3......

He's having meltdowns immediately after school daily now. Awful with change so probably linked to end of year coming up. But everything is SUCH a big thing with him- his emotions are HUGE and it literally takes all day to manage and support him through them. Can't cope with many age appropriate films or tv, even some of cbeebies is too much to handle still.

On days where it's not possible to give the attention he craves( e.g lots of 1:1 playing, talking/ constant cuddles, outside play and reassurance) we have meltdown after meltdown. I feel he is constantly seeking distraction from his own mind.... he is always talking/ moving etc.

Hates going/ doesn't notice when he needs the loo. He never has accidents but gets aggressive and hyper when he holds. Lots of sensory issues.

BUT no sign of any of it at school or with others. Firm consequences just seem to get into a spiral of more and more negativity even with lots of positivity too.

Help :-(

Absolutely understand the difference between your child’s home behaviour vs school/public behaviour - DD is the same! The masking and school structure can really help to keep explosions in, but they come out in their safe spaces ie home. It is very hard to explain to people and can really make you second guess your concerns.

I think your awareness of how your child is feeling will stand you in good stead. I wish I had been so aware at that age. Hopefully, things will work themselves out, but I would strongly recommend keeping a diary to help you get the right support if it is needed both now and in the future. If he is masking, he will be exhausted after school, so it helps to create a regular, reassuring pattern both for getting home and winding down. Wishing the best for you both. X

@Workingtowards thankyou, a diary sounds like a good idea too.x

Actually, thinking about it we have a child at school who I would say masks that well.
At home she has daily meltdowns and is highly anxious. Has sensory issues etc she is diagnosed with ASD
At school, she struggles a little in large groups or with loud noises but for the most part you wouldn’t give her behaviour a second thought.

Speaking to parents over the years, they’ll tell me about the total meltdowns at home, I’ll be surprised because the child has behaved like an angel all day. One mum told me her son could hold it togetherness at school but then be screaming, lying on the floor, even throw himself on a busy road. I never saw a sign of this at school.

Tbh he sounds an awful lot like my 7yo, even down to the obsession with death (will talk about it constantly to the point of upsetting my 9yo). He was diagnosed with asd. He masks very well at school all day long then when he comes home will meltdown. He has very big emotions, and wants my undivided attention all the time. He is also a friendly and chatty little soul, confident and caring. He struggles big time with boundaries and absolutely goes into a negative spiral when you try the firm consequences approach. He also tells me he wishes he could escape his own head and make his brain stop thinking.

I’m not trying to say your DS is definitely autistic, keep an open mind. But I would certainly be getting a referral, start writing a diary of behaviours with the “abc” approach. Took us just under the 18months to get the diagnosis from being referred, and as far as I’m concerned there’s nothing to lose with being assessed. If he doesn’t get diagnosed with asd then it may flag something else you could get appropriate help for if needed.

@ipswichwitch that description could be of my little one- they really do sound similar. I think like you say, there is nothing to lose by asking for him to be assessed. I feel like I've made a positive step towards helping him by asking on mumsnet. It's not something my husband or I have felt able to talk about with others.

There is also nothing stopping you making ASD type adjustments / adaptations to your life now - have a google - it’s all quite basic stuff around communication, routines etc - and none of them would do any harm (but actually do a lot of good) to NT DCs anyway.

I love Phillipa Perry’s book and her classic line “children are to be felt with not dealt with” - allowing DC to welcome then notice, feel, track and express the physiology of their emotions and then know when and how to intercept when they are problematic.

Transitions of any kind big or small are also a trigger. So moving from one activity to another whether it’s asking what she wants for breakfast takes 10mins of back n forth and normally her getting frustrated at me. I ask my other child I get a straight forward ‘toast please’ response. Leaving the house she takes 3x as long to get ready with clear instructions like socks on please, toilet, hair, where’s your coat etc. Other child ‘we are going out in 5mins can you get yourself ready’ and they will just go do it all and not forget their coat. Every step has to be broken down it’s really tiring day to day parenting.

Biking Now, next and then instructions can help with transitions. It takes a bit of practise, but it can remove the 'unknown' factor for the child.

If a visual prompt helps, there are loads of free downloads on Twinkl

whether it’s asking what she wants for breakfast takes 10mins of back n forth and normally her getting frustrated at me

Could you offer just 2 options, say cereal or toast, that reduces the indecision over a wider choice.

I would say autism and he is masking at school / with friends. This makes it 100x harder when he is with you as he’s been holding it all in for hours, then explodes. It will cause meltdowns after school.
Autism has a huge spectrum. You need to get online and research masking autism and see if any of it fits.
After that it may be time to speak to the school and get further help. It will be hard if his behaviour is good at school but it’s not impossible.

Have a look at Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. My daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD and one of the features of her ADHD is RSD.

It's exhausting for her and me!

Thanks blanking lve had five years of breakfast fun 🤣 reading her mood is the best indicator plus knowing that she needs 10-15mins to decide on breakfast normally works. We might have a week of frozen peas & breadsticks, or dry bread or dippy eggs, or Ham & cucumber anything goes just as long as it’s reasonably healthy. She’s very sensory so v.rarely is it cereal or toast.

The masking thing does sound like him. I have started a diary. It is really interesting to read all the comments- thankyou!! He does also fit some of the ADHD criteria @Littlefish but I think the hyper behaviour is when he doesn't like what he is feeling. It's also only at home.