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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and her snappy dog

37 replies

Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:30

Mil just won't give it up, she is constantly asking us to go to her house and saying her dog won't go for dd! The dog has gone to snap at another child ( who we know within the family ) and I before I had dd I used to look after said dog as mil was worried she would snap/bite the other grandchild, ( I didn't have children at this point ) once I had my dd I said I don't want the dog around my dd, I've had to fight this for over 3 years and she's still nagging about it and doesn't see an issue with the dog being near my dd especially now as the dog is " old and doesn't hear a thing "

I feel like it's a constant battle for my child's safety and not sure what more I can do, I am so fed up of telling her no I don't want the dog near my little girl, the few times I did go to their house they said the dog would be shut away but they let her out or brought her in when I said I would only come if she wasn't anywhere near dd at all!

They are moving in a few weeks and it'll be expected we go see their new house and I am adamant I still do not want dd near the dog, what can I say or do? Partner just shrugs it off and say he will say no at the time but it is going to cause issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:32

And by shut away I meant with a neighbour or out for a walk, they used to put her in the car which made it really awkward because I don't think that's right for a dog to be put in a car!

OP posts:
Nightbear · 27/06/2021 17:33

The dog is shut away for the duration of your visit or you don’t visit.

’before I had dd I used to look after said dog as mil was worried she would snap/bite the other grandchild’

Why is your DD worth less than that child? Confused

Sally872 · 27/06/2021 17:36

I would expect the dog to he kept in another room, not with a neighbour especially when just moving in.

Yanbu though just keep repeating. Dog is not to be near dd.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:36

@Nightbear that is exactly my thoughts why is my daughter not as important! I asked mil this exact question and she had the cheek to say oh yes I forgot you had the dog when we had other grandchild!!

We went three times and all three times the dog got let lose or brought into the house when I said if dd comes the dog has to be out the house

I know a lady who got attacked by her own dog and her poor face ! If that had been a child's face there wouldn't be much left of it xx

OP posts:
Nightbear · 27/06/2021 17:36

Well then they can’t be trusted.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:37

@Sally872 surely after 3 years they should know and respect my wishes. I'm so bloody fed up with it and worried partner would allow it to happen behind my back xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:40

@LakieLady I think after years of the dog not going into a crate I wouldn't expect them to put her into one just so we can visit it's bloody stupid of them to keep on because they come to us weekly and I don't feel the need to have to go there for a visit, it will be a huge deal if I don't go and look at her new house though! Xx

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 27/06/2021 17:40

One of my dogs can be snappy with strange children. So what do I do if either dc have a play date? They (even the non snappy one who loves children) go into another room and they stay there until the child goes home. That usually means they are in my room even if the child goes and plays in the dc’s room with the door closed

I won’t risk other children being bitten and I would risk my dog biting. It isn’t fair on anyone

Your MIL needs to do the same thing

Northofsomewhere · 27/06/2021 17:41

Absolutely insist that the dog is kept away, it's never worth the risk and keep explaining that the dog will always be a risk despite age. My last dog didn't like children but she would remove herself from those situations if they arose while out and about. We never put her in a situation where she would be in the same space as a child of any age and would have kept her out of the same room as any, even supervised. She was very good at keeping her distance or coming back to us the second she saw a child outside, she didn't want them to be anywhere near her and I know she'd only ever had bitten if she felt she couldn't get away. This doesn't seem to be the case here, this dog seems to be a risk of biting just because of proximity.

Do you/DP drive? Can you go and visit, making it clear the dog must be locked away as you know he is capable of biting. If they want to bring the dog out warn them you and DC will go and sit in the car and stay there until you leave if that happens. Make it clear you and DC won't be in the same space as the dog because he's a risk.

PurpleyBlue · 27/06/2021 17:46

If you've asked and she is still doing it then your DD can't go round

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:54

She will go on and it'll be more important that we see her new house rather than dd safety I do not want my precious little girl anywhere near the dog I've witnessed snap at another child and adults and that I've looked after in order to protect others anywhere near my dd and they make me feel really stupid and unreasonable for that xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 17:56

They will say dog will be shut away but I've been there and done it with them before and I've never come away and thought wow they listened and respected me I always come away thinking they've let her out to show me who's in charge and try and prove the innocents of a snappy dog if that makes sense xx

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 27/06/2021 18:01

A dog can be crate trained even when older. The dog may also feel safer in a crate and not be snappy, they don't snap because they are evil, but through fear or excitement.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 18:02

@queenMab99 not being horrible about the dog amd not saying she's evil but my daughter has to come first xx

OP posts:
JellyTumble · 27/06/2021 18:04

YANBU. I would simply tell her that if the dog was there we wouldn’t be.

HavelockVetinari · 27/06/2021 18:07

Why isn't your DP ensuring his child's safety at his mother's home? What kind of lame father is he, to be shrugging about it?!

You have a MIL problem, but also a DP problem. It's his family, he ought to be the one to lay down the law to them.

Northofsomewhere · 27/06/2021 18:08

I would definitely say I've met some dogs are just horrible, a particularly nasty jack Russell comes to mind. It's probably in part because the owners haven't nipped the behaviour in the bud as a young puppy/dog so as an adult/older dog they've been allowed to snap and left to their own devices so long that it's normal for that dog to get their own way. While creating the dog may be a solution I think it's likely to cause greater anxiety in the dog, particularly if the snapping at kids is down to anxiety. My dog would not have reacted well to crating but was happy enough to be locked in a different room when kids were in the house.

Take control of what you can. You can't control if the dog comes out so you either never visit them (and deal with the consequences) or leave with DD the second the dog comes out.

MamaWeasel · 27/06/2021 18:11

Can you not visit the new house without your child?

Nordicwannabe · 27/06/2021 18:12

You can't make other people change their behaviour. You can only change your own.

Can you leave as soon as the dog is let out (even if only 5 mins after you arrive) - telling them that is why? If they want to see you/DH/DD then they will soon realise that the dog needs to stay locked up. It will cause some upset initially, and your DH will need to be on-board with it. But you are right to prioritise your DD's safety.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 27/06/2021 18:14

@MamaWeasel she wouldn't want to see me without dd! Before we had dd she would never visit us and when I spoke with my partner the other day and said maybe he could go and visit her on his own to take the strain away ( it's quite a strained relationship between me and mil as I don't do all what they want anymore ) he said " she doesn't want to see me she just wants to see dd

OP posts:
Nordicwannabe · 27/06/2021 18:14

Oh, and I thought that deafness actually increases risk of the dog biting, since they are more likely to be taken by surprise?

Badtasteflump · 27/06/2021 18:15

This is too important to just cave in because MIL is stubborn. Get straight in your mind where to set your boundaries - for example, DD is not there without you and if the dog is let out you leave... or you just see MIL at yours etc. Then just stick to your boundaries - meaning you decide your course of action and stick to it. Then it's not about 'asking' MiL to do anything - you just keep repeating what you are going to do, or not do, and stick to it like a stuck record. If she is so desperate for you to see the new house, you and DH will have to go around separately without DD or get a babysitter.

imaginethemdragons · 27/06/2021 18:18

There’s absolutely no compromise on this for me.
I didn’t visit my pils house for 8 years because they got a dog.
That one died, current one I haven’t been to their house for about 15 years.
(I have a dog phobia) but that aside, their dogs are big and bark/yap/drool/shed/smell really bad & are frightening, no way are my kids being near them.

The pil have come to ours over the years, many times with the dog left in the car while they visit.

They know…and yes…they hate me so it’s a great excuse for me to not visit Grin

romdowa · 27/06/2021 18:19

Just say no? You've made your position clear and it's not respected. So just stop going around and tell her exactly the reason why.