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Original poster

Please help - how to end things with my alcoholic husband

30 replies

JCAC16 · 27/06/2021 16:34

I'm finally here. Its taken so long, but i now know that things wont change for the better, they'll only continue to get worse. And i cant be responsoble for him anymore. Me and our son (2) have to come first. But i dont know how to do it. Tied in to a mortgage, i dont think he'll leave the house and cant afford it on his own. I think i could with benefits (until i guess we divorce and sell) but how do i arrange those until hes gone. At what point do i tell our families, before i tell him to go to get support for him and me? Can anyone give me a step by step. Im literally shaking, i dont know what to do anymore. I feel so stuck.

OP posts:
MarrymeTomHardy · 27/06/2021 16:40

Deep breath!
I have been there, finally ended things in January, but a bit easier as I own the house.
Make your plan before you tell him.
Do you have an escape fund?
Is he abusive or likely to be when you end things? If so, make sure you have support and are safe.
Use a 1/2hr free consultation with a solicitor if possible; to get an outline of where you stand.
If you formally seperate you can claim benefits with him there..
You can do this, good luck Flowers

DinosaurDiana · 27/06/2021 16:43

You need to speak to a solicitor as you’ll probably get more than 50% of the house.
Do you have a personal and joint bank account ?
Do either of you have a private pension ?
Do you work ?

Original poster
JCAC16 · 27/06/2021 16:47

Thanks guys. Will reply in a bit with more info, just got to get bun some dinner

OP posts:
Renniehorta · 27/06/2021 16:58

I was in exactly this situation, with a son of 18 months. I moved in temporarily with my mother. Could you move in with someone? You can then sort the house. In my case, the house had to be sold, my husband had not paid the mortgage while I was on maternity leave. My son and I then moved into a rented house before buying a smaller house.
It was the best thing I ever did for my son.

Thelnebriati · 27/06/2021 17:07

I think how you tell him will depend on how you think he will react. If there's the slightest risk he will be angry or violent, then get some outside support lined up, have your child out of the house, and have somewhere to go straight away.

Original poster
JCAC16 · 27/06/2021 17:28

I work 32 hours, my parents are an hour away which will make work and nursery difficult but i suppose not impossible. We have 2 bank accounts but all bills come out of mine and he sends me all of his money each month. I have the cards to try and stop him drinking (with his agreement) but if he needs petrol or food i sometimes cave which is my fault then that he gets beers.
I just know he'll refuse to stay with his parents who live 2 mins away, he'd rather love in his car, so then ill cave.
I dont think he'd be violent, but i do get anxious when hes drinking (typical erratic behaviour) and he has threatened/felt syicidal before so i worry about that.
I still feel responsible for him and dont want to ruin his whole life, dont want to involve ss etc, but i can just see him falling apart if i end things, becoming a homeless drunk or killing himself. And it will be my fault.
And our son adores his dad - is it worse growing up with an alcoholic or losing gim altogether?

OP posts:
Original poster
JCAC16 · 27/06/2021 17:31

Im going to have to blow up my sons whole life arnt i? Take him from him home and his dad and his toys and his bed?

OP posts:
3scape · 27/06/2021 17:32

Living with an alchohlic will crush your own life. I'd imagine your son is already affected. It's great you want him out of your lives. You're not responsible for his choices. You need to act for your son and yourself.

Thelnebriati · 27/06/2021 17:34

@JCAC16

Im going to have to blow up my sons whole life arnt i? Take him from him home and his dad and his toys and his bed?
Would you need to leave if your partner wasn't an alcoholic?

Its not you thats responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. You are the one left picking up the pieces.

billy1966 · 27/06/2021 17:39

You are NOT destroying his life.
HE is with alcohol.

If he was erratic or threatening, calling the police and having him removed from the house would be the best thing for you and your son.

He would not be allowed to return and the house could then be sold.

Him kicking off and you calling the police to have him removed would be best.

He is already impacting your son with his behaviour.

Tell his family, maybe they can encourage him to leave.

YOUR responsibility is to your son, NOT your husband.

Your husband is responsible for HIS decisions and behaviour.

Protect your child.
Flowers

Embracelife · 27/06/2021 17:40

Your ds us,two.
Get out now while he young
You are not responsible for dh life
He us including getting help for addiction
See a solicitor

Original poster
JCAC16 · 27/06/2021 17:43

Thanks everyone for the advice and for listening. Im going to start on a plan.

OP posts:
Loveandlust · 27/06/2021 17:43

Growing up with a father whose an alcoholic can be absolutely life destroying. His father is currently his most significant role model. Do you want your son to grow up to be like his father right now? It sounds like you really feel responsible for him, is this because you really love him and want him to get better or are you worried that the consequences of you leaving him will make you a guilty party if he goes on to make terrible choices? Have you spoken to him about him needing to get help or you will leave? If you have made up your mind then talk to people for support... whoever you're going to have to stay with, work if you can to get a few days off and tbh I think it is okay to speak to his parents briefly about your decision on the day you plan to speak to him so they know that he may need some extra support. Although this may seem like you are going behind his back he cannot be treated like a responsible adult as an alcoholic. You and your son need to come first. Make a plan, don't rush yourself xx

Darker · 27/06/2021 17:44

i can just see him falling apart if i end things, becoming a homeless drunk or killing himself. And it will be my fault.

It won't be your fault.

Things have to change and as long as you are providing a safety net they won't change. Things probably don't feel too bad for him because he can drink if he feels bad, or keep himself busy thinking about his hangover or the next drink or justifying to himself that things are not that bad because you are picking up the slack.

What you are doing is making the choices and the consequences his, which could be the best thing that happens for him.

Moons1 · 27/06/2021 17:46

He is not your responsibility. Don’t make the same mistake I made of worrying he will fall apart or harm himself. Staying will effect your son far more than leaving. I’ve finally started this process. And yes, get a consultation with a lawyer. I used Major Family law and had a free hour consultation and it gave me the knowledge and courage to know I would be able to manage. Please. Do it now. My anxiety riddled teen would definitely tell you to do it now.

Tinpotspectator · 27/06/2021 18:03

Look on turn2us or entitledto for a calculator on how things would be financially.

NeverNotChasingDreams · 27/06/2021 18:12

I don't have practical advice, but you should be proud of your decision.
Can you speak to a divorce lawyer for some advice on good first steps? It doesn't sound like you have to rush to leave right now, so I'd explore your options first if you can.

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 27/06/2021 18:14

@JCAC16

Im going to have to blow up my sons whole life arnt i? Take him from him home and his dad and his toys and his bed?
No you’re not blowing his life away.

He is still very young and won’t care about a house or a few toys.
You are not taking his dad away. His dad is an alcoholic and it’s not your fault or responsibility.

On thé other side, you are protecting him by ensuring he has a much more stable life.

Purplewithred · 27/06/2021 18:19

At some stage your DH had the choice to try to stop drinking. He chose not to. It may be too late for him now but he is the reason you are in this position. If he ends up homeless or whatever ultimately that is his decision too. The good person he once was would want his son to be safe.

Flowers
Looubylou · 27/06/2021 18:38

You are doing the right thing for your son. Your husband might spiral into a massive decline - sometimes people need to be allowed to hit rock bottom before getting better. If he doesn't get better, that is nor your fault. At the moment, your son is your top priority - unfortunately your husband's is alcohol. Try to move in with your family until you find your feet.

TurquoiseDragon · 27/06/2021 18:43

OP, none of this is your fault.

The only person taking your son's dad away from him, is your son's dad. Your DH is the only person responsible for the choices he is making.

annacondom · 27/06/2021 18:45

Get a friend to help you. Moral and practical support (with moving your stuff, for example). Have you got someone you can move in with for a couple of weeks' breather?

Ambo21 · 27/06/2021 18:49

Get the idea that this is your fault out of your mind once and for all.
Your husband is an adult.
He is an alcoholic.
He chooses alcohol over you, your son, your marriage, his life.
Those are his choices to make.
You are way down the pecking order my dear.
You are not responsible for his choices, his safety or his future.
Walk away, stay safe, look after your son.
Life will get better.. it takes time and courage and strength.. but it will get better than this.

FusionChefGeoff · 27/06/2021 18:51

A friend was going through divorce and was suffering the same guilt. Someone told her - 'your children's home is where you are' and that made her feel much stronger.

romdowa · 27/06/2021 19:01

You are in no way responsible for what he does after you end it , he will use every ploy to get you to feel sorry for him , sleeping in his car , threatening suicide , they are all just words designed to break you and allow him to continue with his life the way it was. But you can't stay for him , you need to find that strength to do this for your son. It is absolutely no fun growing up with a drunk, your son picks up on that anxiety that you have and he will start to get anxious too. After years of dealing with a violent , volatile and abusive alcoholic, I'm now terrified of drunk people. The smell of alcohol freaks me out. Don't allow your son to go through the same trauma.

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