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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional Affair

37 replies

MrJones · 27/06/2021 11:40

Hello everyone. I have recently found out that my wife (married 10 years, together for 19) has been meeting up with another man whilst I am at work. Upset at finding out and expecting the worst, for the first time in my life, I checked her phone (please don’t hold that against me). I found a long chain of messages going back months in which he refers to himself as her ‘man friend/unplanned visitor’ and she says he is ‘always in her mind, neither unwanted nor forgotten’ and that she wants to ‘bring him into her day to day life’.

He asked if she had told me that they had been meeting up and she said no. They have made plans for him to come to our house next week whilst I’m at work.

They met on a counselling training course that they have both been on and much of the talk is about that. However, they seem to be using each other for emotional support and I think that their training together allows her to me more honest and open with him about her general feelings and wellbeing than with me. I have tried for years but she won’t talk to me in the same way she talks to him.

There is nothing in the messages to say there is anything sexual going on but I can’t help feeling betrayed that they have this emotional relationship that she wants to hide from me.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/06/2021 11:43

YANBU, I think it's only a matter of time until their first kiss if it hasn't already happened.

What did she say when you confronted her?

Original poster
MrJones · 27/06/2021 11:45

I haven't spoken to her yet. I don't know how to bring it up without admitting that I looked at her phone.

OP posts:
ImaHogg · 27/06/2021 11:47

The fact that they have made plans for him to come to your house could mean they are planning on making this a physical thing. Do you know which day they’ve planned? I would be tempted to take the day off a walk in on them!

TacoSunday · 27/06/2021 11:51

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hurtful. The fact that she has not told you about him is very telling. She knows she is crossing a line. I’m not sure I can offer any great advice but you will have to tell her you know about it and bring it all out into the open.

WorraLiberty · 27/06/2021 11:55

@MrJones

I haven't spoken to her yet. I don't know how to bring it up without admitting that I looked at her phone.
You said Upset at finding out and expecting the worst, for the first time in my life, I checked her phone

How did you find out before you checked her phone?

Blueskytoday06 · 27/06/2021 11:56

Will you wait till said time & date and then arrive at home to see what's going on ?

Original poster
MrJones · 27/06/2021 11:57

@ImaHogg

The fact that they have made plans for him to come to your house could mean they are planning on making this a physical thing. Do you know which day they’ve planned? I would be tempted to take the day off a walk in on them!
Yes, I do and I have thought about it. I want to trust her and don't want to have to resort to spying on her if I am being unreasonable. I can't process how I am feeling vs how I should feel. I guess that's why I have turned to MN for advice.
OP posts:
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/06/2021 11:59

I think you know YANBU for being upset. Anyone would be. How did you find out? There's your way in to talking to her, not the phone checking, because you'd already found out she was meeting a man while you've been at work. So if you don't want to surprise them both on the day they're planning for him to come to your house, and you want to talk to her about this instead, ask about the man she's been meeting, gauge her reaction, and go from there.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/06/2021 12:02

Cross posted with you OP - there is no 'how I feel' vs 'how I should feel'. There's just literally how you feel. We can't tell you you're wrong to be upset, because you're not wrong, but at the moment you only have your version and it sounds like you may need hers in order to know what to do next. Be prepared though, because it sounds like it may be tough. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
MrJones · 27/06/2021 12:06

WorraLiberty

I was told by a mutual friend. She asked me not to tell my wife she told me.

OP posts:
Looubylou · 27/06/2021 12:10

Having a male friend is acceptable - secretly bringing him to your house whilst you are working is not acceptable. I don't care if they do just sit and talk with a coffee. It's the deceit that matters to me. I'd be very surprised if this does not develop into a physical affair. You are probably going to have to admit you know her plans- don't let her make it all about you checking her phone - you were proved correct. If my partner ever secretly meets a women or brings her to our home, that will be the end of our relationship.

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 27/06/2021 12:14

I would definitely turn up at home. If you want a reason to pop back, maybe leave something that you 'need' as an excuse. Although I suspect she'll not be thinking about why you have come home at that point.

CagneyNYPD · 27/06/2021 12:16

In your position, you have 3 choices:

  1. Ignore the messages. Carry on as normal.
  2. Confront her.
  3. Bide your time. Use the next few days to collect up all your financial documents, passport etc. Act normal. Then on the day in question, go to work but then return home early.

I know it is extreme, but you need to know for sure what is going on.

Original poster
MrJones · 27/06/2021 12:18

@Looubylou

Having a male friend is acceptable - secretly bringing him to your house whilst you are working is not acceptable. I don't care if they do just sit and talk with a coffee. It's the deceit that matters to me. I'd be very surprised if this does not develop into a physical affair. You are probably going to have to admit you know her plans- don't let her make it all about you checking her phone - you were proved correct. If my partner ever secretly meets a women or brings her to our home, that will be the end of our relationship.
I think you're right. That is what I thought I have to do but needed the reassurance that I am not being unreasonable. I'll talk to her tonight.
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/06/2021 12:19

@MrJones

WorraLiberty

I was told by a mutual friend. She asked me not to tell my wife she told me.

Well there you go then.

Tell her that's why you looked through her phone and no, you don't have to say who told you.

Original poster
MrJones · 27/06/2021 12:19

Thank you for your help everyone.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 27/06/2021 12:21

If you do not want to say who told you then you need to "pop home" for something you forgot on the day they will be there.

Sorry - but that is the only way you'll know. But don't go in all guns blazing as at this point it could only be a friendship and you do not know what the truth is. Maybe he is a supportive friend from a counselling course dropping in for a cuppa and she is embarrassed she cannot tell you that it is easier to talk to him. Just remember that many women tell their female best friends more that their DHs and no one tells them to LTB either.

So, basically, get home unexpectedly, welcome this person in your house (same as if they were a female friend of your wife) and you'll soon find out the situation based on their faces.

NutNutmum · 27/06/2021 12:23

Op you have only one option and that is be straight with her and don't play games.

You have to be mentally prepared to accept that she may walk away and say its over or realise she has done wrong and regret it, enough to work things out. However if she has already been informing her friends not to tell you, I strongly suggest she has already been mentally preparing herself first to leave. Most women i know get every thing in place both physically and mentally before they tell their partners.

It takes two people to make a relationship work and searching the internet for answers to fix it will not work. The only person who has the answers you see are yourself and your wife. Do not give her any thing to throw in your face, as soon as you see her today you need to tell her firmly but calmly what you know as fact and ask for her to tell you what is going on. If she gets defensive and argues do not be drawn into it you will only feed he feelings that she is doing the right thing and most of all don't beg her to stay, its not an attractive trait.

You must look after yourself face your fears and be honest. Tell her straight you know what is going on and give her a chance to give you the full story. If you don't like it no matter how hurt or upset you are walk away and give yourself some time and consider your options once you have calmed down.

Original poster
MrJones · 27/06/2021 12:38

@Tistheseason17

If you do not want to say who told you then you need to "pop home" for something you forgot on the day they will be there.

Sorry - but that is the only way you'll know. But don't go in all guns blazing as at this point it could only be a friendship and you do not know what the truth is. Maybe he is a supportive friend from a counselling course dropping in for a cuppa and she is embarrassed she cannot tell you that it is easier to talk to him. Just remember that many women tell their female best friends more that their DHs and no one tells them to LTB either.

So, basically, get home unexpectedly, welcome this person in your house (same as if they were a female friend of your wife) and you'll soon find out the situation based on their faces.

I wouldn't have been upset if it was a female friend. That is why I have been feeling confused that perhaps I am being unreasonable.

If I came home and they are both just having coffee I'd not be able to tell 100% what's going on from their reactions and it wouldn't bring closure.

Having said that, they are meeting on Thursday and a few more days wont make any difference. I could head home when I know he will be there and talk to her in the evening after. I wouldn't need to mention checking her phone or that her friend told me then.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 27/06/2021 12:51

You would be able to tell. If there was an emotional relationship it would be a very odd atmosphere and your wife will be questioning why you are home quite aggressively.

If it is innocent (same as a female friend) it will feel just the same as a female friend. I have male friends - but my DH knows about them.

Then you can have the chat in the evening about why she has not told you about him. Maybe she is worried you would be jealous and feel threatened?

JellyTumble · 27/06/2021 12:58

YANBU to be upset by this; her behaviour is out of order.

YABVU to invade her privacy and check her phone; that’s absolutely not acceptable and being suspicious—whether you find something or not—is not a good reason.

QueenBee52 · 27/06/2021 13:01

@JellyTumble

YANBU to be upset by this; her behaviour is out of order.

YABVU to invade her privacy and check her phone; that’s absolutely not acceptable and being suspicious—whether you find something or not—is not a good reason.

Oh FFS 🙄

Outbutnotoutout · 27/06/2021 13:12

If you pop home and he is there, you can ask her later why she didn't tell you and have kept this man a secret.

He demeanour will also tell you a lot, is he sat comfortably, just chatting in a friends scenario or does he get flustered when you are there.

Snaketime · 27/06/2021 13:33

If I was in your position it wouldn't be the fact my DH had a female friend but the fact he hadn't told me about her and was inviting her round when he knew I wasn't in, that is just suspicious op. To me keeping it secret would mean they were hoping for something physical to happen.
I would do as pp's have suggested, say you are unwell and go home when you know he is there, fake surprise, introduce yourself to him and then say you aren't feeling well and go upstairs, see how quickly he leaves afterwards. If he stays a while longer there is no issue, if he leaves quickly you have issues.

Blueskytoday06 · 03/07/2021 11:04

@JellyTumble

YANBU to be upset by this; her behaviour is out of order.

YABVU to invade her privacy and check her phone; that’s absolutely not acceptable and being suspicious—whether you find something or not—is not a good reason.

How else is he meant to find out ??? If she wasn't doing something she shouldn't then he wouldn't feel the need to snoop to confirm or deny his suspicions.