We had a long talk last night.
She explained that the man is just a friend that she finds easy to talk to due to their counselling training together. She said that he is the only person that really understands her (that hurt to hear) and that she can’t talk to me in the same way because I don’t have psychodynamic training.
I explained that I feel that sort of relationship crosses a boundary where they are more than just friends, especially as she talks to him about deeply personal things relating to me and our family. She disagreed and couldn’t see a problem.
She said that she wanted to tell me but was worried that I’d be angry. She said that she has wanted to bring him into her day to day life, with me and our family, but was not sure how. I explained that I may have had a small amount of jealously/worry if she had told me at the outset but that we could have talked about it and I’d have accepted it.
I asked if she could see how I could feel deceived and betrayed by the secrecy and that her actions were hurtful. She sat silent for an uncomfortable amount of time and then said ‘yes, I can see that’ but she said it in a very cold and unbelievable way.
She did apologize for not telling me but she didn’t apologize of any hurt caused, I think because she thought I was over reacting.
The conversation then kept drifting away from the main point, which was seeing this man. She moved it onto her childhood, how life has changed since having children, her other friends, her plans to find a job, etc. It ended with her crying about an early childhood memory, which we talked about, and then went to bed.
I think I have been over reacting and I believe her that they are friends and that there is no risk of a full blown affair.
I’m happy that she has own friendships, interests and sense of space and I don’t want to get in the way of that.
We agreed that they would only meet in public places now or at home if I’m there. I’m still not happy but it’s a compromise that I can accept.
Thank you all for your advice over the last week.