To be disgusted with DPs family for keeping this secret?

[disteso]

I've name changed for this post.

Me and DP are in our 20s, a few months ago his ‘cousin’ told him that their brothers and that they have the same dad (his dad passed away a few years ago so DP couldn't ask him either). DP brushed it off and didn't really have any proof, he just thought he had jumped to that conclusion when he thought the family didn't care about his dads death. He kept saying it and he told DP why he thought it and DP started to believe him.

DP asked his mum and she denied it, he then said that he'd do a DNA test then and she admitted it. He then found out that everyone knew including the man who thought was his dad.

DP was understandably very angry and decided to not talk to them for a while. His family then started blaming his half brother and called him spiteful for telling DP the family secret.

DP still doesn't want to talk to them but his mum has called him ‘selfish’ as his sister (11) misses him, even though his mum stopped them from contacting each other until DP starts talking to them!

DP still doesn't know what he wants to do yet but he's still angry for being lied to.

.

Of course he's angry, he'll think he's been made a fool of and that the last 20 odd years have been a lie. He's effectively grieving for a life he didn't have.

I feel just as sorry for the half brother that everyone is blaming him but that's the way it goes in some families, it's always someone elses fault.

It isn't up to your DP to tell his sister, for me only because of her age, 11 is very difficult. I would suggest he gets back in touch to be able to keep an eye on things and to encourage his mum to tell his sister.

I also feel sorry for the half brother that no one is talking to him - not is fault.

Well they sound like a lovely family. Not.

I feel sorry for both your partner and his brother.

He is right to take time away and not be manipulated by his mother.

She sounds like a piece of work.

Be wary OP of getting involved with such a family.

Your DH and his brother are the ones who have been treated badly by those around them. Awful to find out everyone else knew. I'd stay away, too.

Not the same situation, but I know someone who suddenly found out at 19 that he had been adopted as a baby and therefore was not related to the couple he thought were his parents; or his younger brother who was biologically theirs.

I’m sure the level of hurt is the same as your DP’s. It did take some time for the person I’m talking about to come to terms with it, and was a good son to his adoptive parents, far better than the younger son who was just awful and caused much heartache to his parents.

I’d say it’s going to take some time for DP to come to terms, and decide how to proceed with family relationships in the future. He has every right to be angry, but whether he chooses to hold on to that or to let it go may affect long term the relationship with his sister who will suffer. She’s a child and not at fault here. Actually, the half brother has done DP a favour in the long run, it was DP’s mum who conceived by his father. Everyone deserves to know their heritage.

Thanks for your replies. DP tried to still be in contact with his sister but his mum found out and was angry and she stopped his sister from messaging him

I think your DP should seek some counseling for this OP, as his biological father is deceased he might have questions that will go unanswered. In future your DP may want to find out more about that side of his family, do they know they have another grandson/nephew? He will also be navigating the change in relationship with the man he thought was his dad growing up. There's a lot of layers to this and I think a counselor with experience in this field is badly needed.

@Dontbeme

I think your DP should seek some counseling for this OP, as his biological father is deceased he might have questions that will go unanswered. In future your DP may want to find out more about that side of his family, do they know they have another grandson/nephew? He will also be navigating the change in relationship with the man he thought was his dad growing up. There's a lot of layers to this and I think a counselor with experience in this field is badly needed.

He knows that side of the family, they are who kept the secret

Is this a case of his dad is actually his uncle and vice versa, or his mum’s sister’s husband etc?
You don’t actually have to answer, I’m just wondering if talking to his dad alone might be better as in a way this is about the two of them rather than his mother but it might not feel comfortable for your dp depending on the scenario.

I can’t quite see why they seem so shocked the secret got out and that they had never discussed how they would deal with it or wondered what his reaction might be. YANBU - they should never have kept it a secret, his dad could/would have still been his dad but he’d have known his background too.

I really feel for you all, we had a very similar situation in our family except we all refused to keep the other child a secret/hide photos etc (all but one parent was ok with this). All the siblings involved have been very thankful that we were never complicit in the web of lies their parent tried to create.

So DP’s mum is going to punish her DD by preventing her contacting DP, because her secret was found out. How long did she think it would stay a secret? The longer she stays angry and attacks everyone for events for which they aren’t to blame, the greater likelihood of this becoming a major rift. Why won’t she just hold up her hands and admit that keeping the secret was a mistake, and do whatever it takes to put it right?

Did you post this a couple of weeks ago? It sounds very familiar

That must have been devastating for him. I second the suggestion of getting some counseling. Hopefully, that will help him decide what to do next.

I'm a little confused.

Was the secret used to cover up an affair? Is that why your Dp's mother is so defensive?

It sounds like his mother had a relationship with 2 brothers, got pregnant with one but raised the child as the other brother's. And other family members knew. Have I got that right because if I have, this is one big mess that will take an awful lot of unravelling.

Everyone is entitled to know their birth story, but I have heard of several cases where people were "waiting for the right time to tell", and it never comes. And just becomes more difficult as time passes. Very sad

This is a HUGE thing for him to find out!! Has he considered counseling to help him work through it?

Is he still in contact with his brother? If so, perhaps the two of them can help each other, especially if this information is new to the brother too.

As far as the rest of his family, it's not down to them to decide what his relationship with them is going to be. They're the 'guilty party' here. As far as the sister goes, I'd tell my mum that if she continues to block contact with her that I would tell her exactly why she is doing so, especially if the mum is lying to her about the reason for the whole debacle.

I’d arrange some counselling, go NC with everyone that knew and find a way to keep contact with the Haig siblings that didn’t know.

@CagneyNYPD

I'm a little confused.

Was the secret used to cover up an affair? Is that why your Dp's mother is so defensive?

It sounds like his mother had a relationship with 2 brothers, got pregnant with one but raised the child as the other brother's. And other family members knew. Have I got that right because if I have, this is one big mess that will take an awful lot of unravelling.

I know a family like that. It's a shit show with a load of petrol on the side, and a match fully lit. Especially given the death of the man that two girls think was their father, but he was the father of one of them, and every time the other one puts a foot wrong, the mother sees the work of the other brother.

This is a big thing to discover.

It's fairly common though.

Once he gets over the shock he'll get over it and get back in touch with everyone.

People hold back the truth because they think it's for the best and no one can ever find the right time to tell it.

I think it's good he knows now so he can get his head round it.

There is no point holding onto a grudge towards his family for too long about this it is what it is, he knows the truth, reflect upon it a while, draw a line under it and move on

@CagneyNYPD

I'm a little confused.

Was the secret used to cover up an affair? Is that why your Dp's mother is so defensive?

It sounds like his mother had a relationship with 2 brothers, got pregnant with one but raised the child as the other brother's. And other family members knew. Have I got that right because if I have, this is one big mess that will take an awful lot of unravelling.

Yes that's right. Her husband brought DP up and he knew that he wasn't DPs dad.

DP is still in contact with his half brother, as they were close previously and DP isn't angry with him.

No, I didn't post this recently.

So the mum has two kids by two brothers and it’s all a big family secret....obviously was an affair then. Strange.

Your poor DH, his mother sounds like way too much hard work.

@disteso

Thanks for your replies. DP tried to still be in contact with his sister but his mum found out and was angry and she stopped his sister from messaging him

As his mother is largely responsible for the situation she needs to show a bit more remorse and consideration towards the 12 years old.

So why has your DP's half-brother only just told him now? When did he find out?

It's a real mess but yeah, happens more than you'd think. I'm not surprised that your DP is upset with everyone - it's a pretty major thing to have been lied to about for so long! - especially now his biological father is dead, so he can't even try to get to know him better.

Sounds like his mum is being an arse too - she can't put a stop to him contacting his sister, and then blame him when he doesn't contact his sister, that's ridiculous!

I'm also assuming that the man he thinks was his father is brother to his actual father? So his mum had an affair with her brother-in-law?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

So why has your DP's half-brother only just told him now? When did he find out?

It's a real mess but yeah, happens more than you'd think. I'm not surprised that your DP is upset with everyone - it's a pretty major thing to have been lied to about for so long! - especially now his biological father is dead, so he can't even try to get to know him better.

Sounds like his mum is being an arse too - she can't put a stop to him contacting his sister, and then blame him when he doesn't contact his sister, that's ridiculous!

I'm also assuming that the man he thinks was his father is brother to his actual father? So his mum had an affair with her brother-in-law?

DPs half brother was guessing I think and DP didn't believe him but he told his mum what he was saying and his mum denied it but he said he'd do a DNA test to make sure and she admitted it.

Yes, his mums DH is the brother to his actual father.

MIL needs telling that her behaviour will divide the younger generation further if she tries to stop them interacting - they will do it anyway and she is best to not be angry with natural reactions to living a lie

So, your DP’s mum had an affair with her husband’s brother and a child was born of this affair. However, her husband stood by her and raised your DP as his own despite the fact he was his brother’s son.

The brother then went on to have a child with someone else, and said child (who is now an adult) says that your DP is actually his half brother and not his cousin.

So how exactly did he guess? That doesn’t make sense to me, you don’t just guess out of nowhere that your cousin is actually your brother. Why would you?

TBH I can see why your DP is upset, but I can also see why this was kept secret. Clearly if the mum knows beyond any doubt that the brother was her son’s father then she must have been in a sexless marriage otherwise the paternity would simply have been unsure. And at the end of the day the man who is his father is the man who raised him. And he is still related.

Added to which, there is literally no reason why his sister needs to know any of this. My grandmother had an affair and one of her children was the result. After her funeral one of her sisters who was only stirring decided that everyone should know. The child who had been born of this affair had died some years before so there was no reason why everyone else needed to know. And nobody thanked her for this information, and it caused a lot of upset, because their mum was then painted out to be some kind of slut when actually the father was a bastard who swanned in and out of his children’s lives and it turned out after they divorced he married someone else, had two more children, and they had no idea they have 5 other siblings.

So things are rarely black and white.