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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude?

66 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 25/06/2021 17:19

Friend texted last night around 10pm asking if me and dh would like to pop over for tea on Saturday.

I just needed a few hours today to check a few things so texted back this afternoon saying thank you, we would love to. Only to be told they had now made other plans!

Is this the norm now with social arrangements? You have to respond straight away?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 25/06/2021 19:45

But she didn't know that you were considering.

Its logical to assume that silence is a no.

It would of taken less than ten seconds to respond. Great idea. Need to ch. Let you know this evening

candyflossss · 25/06/2021 19:47

@bendmeoverbackwards

Yes I know, sorry I my comment was in response to *@candyflossss* about rearranging when something comes up.

Anyway it's no big deal, I obviously need to check my phone more often in future.

I'm just saying it's not an uncommon scenario, especially if it's not a big event. life happens.

your friend obviously assumed you couldnt make it - like you said no big deal. if they wrote it from there point of view "asked friend last night if they wanted to pop in on Saturday, hadnt heard anything by 4pm the following day and assumed they weren't free so took someone elses offer up as didnt want to waste the whole day just in case. friend now thinks I was rude because she was actually trying to work out if she would be free or not and by the time she came to the conclusion she would be able to make it I had made other arrangements." so you can see from their point of view they just took it as you weren't about.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 25/06/2021 19:48

Yes that's true, thank you. I will do that next time.

OP posts:
Rillington · 25/06/2021 19:48

You were rude not replying sooner.

Dishwashersaurous · 25/06/2021 19:52

for a short notice request to do something. Then respond as soon as you get it even with a holding reply

LesLavandes · 25/06/2021 19:56

I think you were impolite and should apologise to her

RampantIvy · 25/06/2021 19:56

A lot of folks seem to think you should reply in 30 seconds or their going no contact!

18 hours or more is a bit too much don't you think?

If someone took 18 hours to reply to me I would assume it was a no.

So for future reference what is the etiquette for time scale for responding to texts?

In your case I would have messaged in the morning and said I would let her know. In my case I would have been able to give her an answer straight away because I don't have a busy social diary.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 25/06/2021 20:01

I'm with you, OP. You didn't take very long to get back to her, and it's rude of her to make other plans before you'd said yes or no.

Pigeonpocket · 25/06/2021 20:02

I think she's rude. If I texted a friend to invite them round and then didn't hear from them, I'd text again to confirm. I wouldn't just assume they were ignoring me and then go and make other plans.

DroopyClematis · 25/06/2021 20:09

This is the trouble with 'insta-info.'
The assumption that the person that you are texting or e-mailing is sitting there, quietly, waiting for your message.

Many people do not live, sitting on a chair, waiting for messages that need immediate responses.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 25/06/2021 20:09

And it wasn't "18 hours" to get back. At 10pm most nights I'd be asleep, then for a further 8 hours after that, then I'd be getting ready for school/work then I'd be at work. Not everyone is constantly on their phone and able to reply to texts promptly, especially when you have to check plans with others first.

Iquitit · 25/06/2021 20:09

I don't think either of you have been particularly rude tbh, you didn't get the message straight away and so didn't reply, she assumed a no and made other plans.
In your situation I'd have replied sooner saying that I needed to check a few things and would let her know.
In her situation I maybe would have called this morning to make sure you got the message.
Don't think either of you are 'at fault' and it's just life sometimes.

lilyofthewasteland · 25/06/2021 20:10

Some of these replies are mad.

I think it's rude to hold yourself in such high regard as to text some late at night and expect them to make you their priority as soon as they wake up! Like they should be desperately monitoring their phone for an invitation from you.

Get a grip.

Plenty of people don't check messages as part of their morning routine, would then be driving so not able to check, and then working somewhere or doing something where they can't use their phone so wouldn't see their messages until they came to wind down the subsequent evening.

Not everyone lives their life centred on their mobile phone.

If you need a quick response, text messages are not the correct medium.

(And if you need lots of time to "prepare" for hosting a friend for a cup of tea then don't wait until the day before to invite them!)

FindingMeno · 25/06/2021 21:39

I was assuming tea, as in food, in the garden.
Even so, if I invited someone round and I heard nothing back,at a certain point I would assume they'd either not got the message or weren't coming. I wouldn't be hanging on a last minute fitting me in.
The message was seen in the morning. How long does it take to send a quick acknowledgement?

PixieLaLa · 25/06/2021 22:12

I don’t think either of you were rude. She didn’t give much notice for her invite, but if you hadn’t replied the next morning I would assume you weren’t coming too so fair enough she made other plans, I wouldn’t worry OP it’s no big deal.

DroopyClematis · 03/07/2021 20:03

If she really wanted to arrange something the next day she could have phoned.
I'd never send a message the night before for an arrangement the following day.
I'd call and speak to them .
Texts are often missed/not responded to by everyone.

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