To think this is rude?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Friend texted last night around 10pm asking if me and dh would like to pop over for tea on Saturday.

I just needed a few hours today to check a few things so texted back this afternoon saying thank you, we would love to. Only to be told they had now made other plans!

Is this the norm now with social arrangements? You have to respond straight away?

I think it's rude & nuts. I've seen a lot of this type of thread from the other side
A lot of folks seem to think you should reply in 30 seconds or their going no contact!. I'd send a cheeky reply 'christ that was quick, I didn't want to come anyway.

'Prepare' @FindingMeno? We're talking about a cup of tea in the garden!

I think afternoon is too late yes. You could have text back in the morning or last night to say you had to just check.

@bendmeoverbackwards

'Prepare' *@FindingMeno*? We're talking about a cup of tea in the garden!

Lol! I assumed you meant “tea” as in dinner! Or at least “afternoon tea” I’d always say “a cuppa” if I genuinely just meant a cup of tea.

I dont really see it as a big deal tbh. not a firm plan you'd had in place for ages (or at all!).

I've been on both sides - I've asked a friend if they want to do something, then something has come up and I've rearranged. same vice versa. I didnt see it as rude.

Yeah, she wasn’t the rude one. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assume you weren’t coming if no reply received by lunchtime the next day. As other posters have said, a quick text to say “would love to, just need to check a few things and will let you know by 3pm” would have been fine.

It’s rude to expect someone to hold a slot in their diary for you when you can’t be bothered to reply.

Well I’m clearly in the minority. If I make an arrangement to see someone I don’t cancel if ‘something comes up’ unless it’s an absolute emergency.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Well I’m clearly in the minority. If I make an arrangement to see someone I don’t cancel if ‘something comes up’ unless it’s an absolute emergency.

She didn't make an arrangement to see you though – she texted to ask if you were free and you didn't respond until the next afternoon. It's perfectly reasonable of her to assume you were busy because you hadn't replied and to make other plans.

Its fair enough if she'd wanted to prepare for your visit.
She might have indicated tea in the garden, but would probably have made or bought something to go with it and make sure the house was clean and tidy.
If that was the case she'd need to know if you were coming or not. Maybe she needed to get some of that stuff done today, so not knowing the answer was yes until 4.pm may have used up her available preparation time.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Well I’m clearly in the minority. If I make an arrangement to see someone I don’t cancel if ‘something comes up’ unless it’s an absolute emergency.

She didn't cancel anything, because no mutual agreement was made.

But the whole point is that no arrangement had been made, because you hadn't responded.

If you had made plans and then she cancelled that would be rude.

But no plan had been made.

She made a suggestion. You didn't respond. Therefore no plan was made

Yes I know, sorry I my comment was in response to @candyflossss about rearranging when something comes up.

Anyway it's no big deal, I obviously need to check my phone more often in future.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Well I’m clearly in the minority. If I make an arrangement to see someone I don’t cancel if ‘something comes up’ unless it’s an absolute emergency.

It wasn’t an arrangement. It was an invitation which you didn’t respond to!

See above @Rosesareyellow

@bendmeoverbackwards

Yes I know, sorry I my comment was in response to *@candyflossss* about rearranging when something comes up.

Anyway it's no big deal, I obviously need to check my phone more often in future.

I don’t think it’s about checking your phone more often as you said upthread you saw the message this morning. I just think you need to reply a bit more promptly and not expect people to put their plans on hold while you decide whether or not to attend.

Its not about checking more often. Its about responding to short notice suggestions

I don’t think either of you were particularly rude. It’s just a last minute, spur of the moment invitation which wasn’t responded to very quickly so your friend made other plans. It’s not a big deal. Plan something for next weekend instead.

@RosieGuacamosie I don't keep people waiting and try to respond as soon as possible. But as I said, I was running errands in the car for much of the day, while doing so I was mentally working out our plans for Saturday so I could respond as soon as I could.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Well I’m clearly in the minority. If I make an arrangement to see someone I don’t cancel if ‘something comes up’ unless it’s an absolute emergency.

But you hadn't actually made any arrangement as you didn't answer, so how is this relevant?

Read the thread @Kobayashi21!

Answering by mid afternoon an invitation sent as late as 10pm the night before seems perfectly reasonable to me, and I think your friend was very rude to rescind the invitation after such a short interval.

I do not think you were rude at all not to reply instantly.

The expectation of immediate replies to texts is unreasonable.

You could have spared the amount of time it would text to say I'd love to but need to check I'm free, will get back to you asap.

Whether she was rude or not, I'm not sure tbh it kind of depends on a few things for me, but I would find your non-reply a bit rude.
Like your friend wasn't worth the 2 seconds consideration of a text to acknowledge the invitation and say ^

I don't think she's rude. You are op.

How long would it take to txt ‘will get back to you asap’? That way she would know you had seen it and would reply fully later. I think it’s rude to ignore messages, especially invitations, for a whole day.

Well half a day @Pottedpalm

But fair enough. So for future reference what is the etiquette for time scale for responding to texts? I would have obviously replied sooner had I not been in the car for much of the day.