Play dates & mums meet ups

[Itsallabitmeh]

It’s all a bit boring?

Years of fertility treatments, during which I’d dream of the times I’d take my baby/child to the playground and to meet other mums and for play dates..Aibu to find it all a bit.. meh? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perfectly nice mums, but all pretty stilted & polite with each other, not much to talk about, if you can talk for watching the kids constantly. I really looked forward to these times and keep trying and persevering but generally come away feeling a bit flat.
I really thought (hoped) I’d make some good friends as I have in other areas of life-school, uni, work etc

It's a long while since I was in this situation but experience taught me that in these groups you'll encounter other parents who have one thing in common. A child/children. It's a real bonus if you actually develop long-lasting friendships. There are perfectly nice people who I spent a remarkable amount of time socialising with but who nowadays I'd probably not recognise if we passed each other in the street. Babies alone do not make for meaningful new friendships.

I don't understand why anyone would think they would make friends with women who the only thing you have in common with is having a baby within a year or so of them? And by hanging around playgrounds. It's just a weird expectation.

@Kobayashi21 We're all mums who meet regularly brought together through a local mums Fb group. It’s really nice and I’d say I’ve one close ish friend who I see outside of the play dates, but I was hoping for more of a connection to be honest, I’m not sure it’s strange to expect that or to think it would be nice 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ve made some of my best friends through work, uni, school..all just circumstances in which we were thrown together, as in a mums group.

You need to find one of them that you share something with other than children. Like a shared sense of humour. It's not that easy though - in my NCT group I call 2 our of 8 proper friends as opposed to acquaintances.

That said, now we have toddlers we've all had enough after about an hour of trying to watch them and talk!

@EnidPrunehat Yes, I can see how that would happen, still find it a bit of a shame though, it would be nice to gel with done ok a bit of a deeper level if possible

@Ellpellwood Yes, toddler here too 🤣I suppose that’s it, it’s pretty hard to focus or have a decent conversation with them running all over the place!

I think this has been a difficult 15 months to build up any new friendships. You're unlikely to bond much with someone at a play park or toddlers group, it's more when they come over and you have a cup of tea and a natter. Saying that the new friends I've made are from when DS started school nursery, so you maybe just have to wait a bit longer.

*As is a mums group

*Gel with some on a deeper level-phone 🙄

I felt like this with my NCT group. I went on to meet new people via other events that I get on with beyond child related stuff. You just need to meet people more on your wavelength. Hopefully it’ll happen naturally.
You could try done other activities like forest school or art things to meet new people?

@rookiemere How does that happen though? Do you invite them over to the house or you’ve met chatting at the school/nursery gates? I’ve no idea-first child 🤣

I've got one friend from the baby years and two others that I would say are close-ish, plus two from the school gate years. Plus another that I did not gel with at all during the baby years who became very close to another friend of mine separately, whom I now adore. I think I did really well with three!

What I would say is that the very first couple of years are just weird. Most first time mums lose themselves a bit, and how can you make a friend when you're not yourself? It does take more time than the office/uni days.

Because the people you are meeting you don't naturally click with. Its that simple OP.

School and Uni are totally different life experiences. You can't expect a kinship with a grown adult you've just met just because you both have kids. There are probably only 3 school mum friends I can actually be arsed meeting up with because I actually like them and we can have a laugh, I'd be their friends if the kids wasn't there.

Go to many local things as possible. You'll start seeing the same people. You may have to meet a few until you find some you enjoy chatting with, or gel with. Being a parent isn't always one long round of playmates, meet ups for coffee etc.

I didn't really do the mother and baby groups as its not really my cup of tea but I've made some great friends with nursery mums and now school mums, we're not super best friends but there's a group of us that go out to dinner on a regular basis. I find that really nice as I didn't really have any friends in my area.

@Itsallabitmeh once they are at school nursery, they're old enough to express a preference about who they want to play with so then you invite said DC to the house, due to age the DM generally comes too.

Embarrassingly DS wanted me along past the age it was normal - say 5 or 6 if going to new places - he's a very independent teen now .

Also as they get older, you get thrown into contact through lift shares and things like that as well.

How old is your child? Because I found it takes a lot longer to bond with people when everyone is constantly watching their kids and having to dash off mid-sentence every five minutes. But when the kids got older, and you could actually get into a conversation a bit more, it was a lot easier to forge friendships that weren't based solely around the kids.

@DysmalRadius Almost 3

I get on with them all and like other areas in life, there are some I naturally prefer or who are my wavelength than others (generally the more fun/funny ones!) I don’t know, I guess we’re all just knackered 🤣sometimes it’s pretty boring and I’d probably prefer to take my Dd on my own somewhere perhaps

I’ve a toddler and took her to groups since she was a newborn and only made one ‘friend’ who I do play dates with. I say friend we meet 3/4 times a month with the girls but we’re not particularly close, its quite superficial, most chats are about the children, but tbh were constantly chasing after feral toddlers so not had much chance to chat and see if there’s any deeper connection.

@steakandcheeseplease Yes, it’s just the way it is, bit disappointing there aren’t a few more I’ve clicked with/am on a similar wavelength with. The ones I have I really like..but it’s a huge group, I thought there would be more. We’re all from different countries (I live abroad- ex pat community) and all different ages.

I don’t know, think I’m in one of those moods these weeks when I’m finding it all a bit boring!

*This week

It takes time and you have to go to lots of things and actively try to talk to people. I have five "mum" friends who I will invite round to our house (and vice versa) or go out for a drink with... one I met at a baby fitness class, one from NCT, one from baby gym, one from baby sensory and one I got to know chatting in the playground. This was all pre-Covid and that's 5 out of what must have been over a hundred mums I met that I clicked enough with to maintain a friendship . Then there are a few that we arrange to meet with in the playground but nothing else. I'm also on nodding terms with the other nursery mums but we haven't had any playdates yet due to Covid.

I think you have to see it as you facilitating your child's social life first of all - at almost 4, my DC now has quite clear views on who he likes playing with - and if you make friends with the parent, that's an unexpected bonus.

It's such a weird dynamic - I always felt like I had to be on my best behaviour with other mums in a way that I never have in other social settings, so it took a long time to break down the small talk defences and actually talk about 'real' stuff. I can't really remember when it happened, but I think it was as the kids needed less input and constant attention but also once they had kind of hit all the main milestones, so all our focuses broadened a bit.

I also quite embraced the small talk and steered it around to safe but interesting subjects as you learn a lot about people when you ask e.g if they have ever played a sport, or if they're good at gardening. I love a good pointless chat though, so I'm probably the kind of parent you're sick of!!

Also, it really helps to get to know people if you can met somewhere you're not constantly having to run after the kids... so a safe, enclosed room or garden with minimal hazards. We used to love soft play though not really an option so much now.