To think this is a red flag and makes him sound controlling?

[ToadInTheHood]

So we had a few issues early on with DH being insecure about me going out on nights out and things. We had big rows about it early on and then had a really good talk and things improved a lot to the point where I felt we were okay. He had some trust issues which he'd brought from his previous relationship in which he'd been cheated on and he has never been controlling in any other aspect of our life and as things improved I thought we were okay but last night he said something which I didn't like.

I'm going out tomorrow for the first time in ages with some friends. Obviously it's been lockdown and I've also not long had a baby so I'm really looking forward to it.

A friend (female) has said I can stay at her house rather than get a taxi on my own home (I live outside of the area we are meeting in whilst everyone else lives there).

I mentioned this to DH and the first thing he said was 'No, I don't care what you do but you're not sleeping over, you belong here'

I was and basically said I'll do what I like thank you. But it's really pee'd me off and I just know now that if I stay he'll be in a mood. I know this is a particularly sore subject for him as this is what happened with his ex wife. She told him she was staying with a friend and then said friend informed him she actually wasn't and was with OM.

But we've been married years now and I have never given him any reason to not trust me. I appreciate past experiences can make you fearful but imo they are his issues to manage not for me to alter my behaviour to placate them.

So AIBU to just stay anyway?

YANBU. He's got no right treating you as though you might cheat. It's as if his ex wife is part of your marriage if he's allowing her actions to dictate how he treats you.

How did he react when you said you'll do what you like?

Without knowing how he is normally, I think it's possible that it was just an instinctive negative reaction based on his past insecurities, and that he might not have said it if he'd had time to think about it. But his reaction to your response and his attitude tomorrow will give you more to go on I think.

Enjoy your night out!

YANBU
He needs to accept you are not his ex, and if that means speaking to someone professional to resolve his issues then that's what he needs to do. He doesn't get to tell you to pay the price for his ex wife's behaviour.

YANBU. I think the phrase itself "You belong here" is quite worrying. I belong wherever the hell I choose to be. There is a point where past issues need to be dealt with.

If in general he is decent I'd be inclined to reiterate that boundary. Be clear with him this is absolutely not OK. He doesn't own you and any sulking or inappropriate reaction when you stay out is going to be a boundary cross that might make you reevaluate the marriage.

I actually think it's quite dodgy if this isn't made explicit because anything else reaffirms his belief he owns you.

Assuming the baby is still pretty young, I can see why he wouldn't want you to go for a night away - neither DH nor I would have been very impressed with this in the first few months of either DC's lives. But...

... the language he is using definitely makes me uncomfortable. It could be that it's about his trust issues. It could be that he thinks now you're a mum you can't ever be away? I don't know, but like you, I'd be very unhappy with that.

@takealettermsjones

How did he react when you said you'll do what you like?

Without knowing how he is normally, I think it's possible that it was just an instinctive negative reaction based on his past insecurities, and that he might not have said it if he'd had time to think about it. But his reaction to your response and his attitude tomorrow will give you more to go on I think.

Enjoy your night out!

This is what I struggle with tbh as normally he is lovely, attentive, not controlling in the slightest and an all round good husband.

The issues we had where he was quite bad with it were very early on (just dating then) and it was nipped in the bud and has been much better since.

It also wasn't said in an aggressive tone. More a sort of 'aww you belong at home' sad face, puppy eyes style if that makes any sense at all! 🤦

He would never actually stop me or say I can't go but in the past he would sulk about stuff like this the next day so it made it hard for me to actually enjoy myself when out.

@Triffid1

Assuming the baby is still pretty young, I can see why he wouldn't want you to go for a night away - neither DH nor I would have been very impressed with this in the first few months of either DC's lives. But...

... the language he is using definitely makes me uncomfortable. It could be that it's about his trust issues. It could be that he thinks now you're a mum you can't ever be away? I don't know, but like you, I'd be very unhappy with that.

Sorry I should have clarified, DS is staying with my Mum anyway not DH. She is taking him out for the day with my Gran and so he's staying the night as it's just easier.

More a sort of 'aww you belong at home' sad face, puppy eyes style if that makes any sense at all!

Manipulative. As is the sulking (or threat of it).

X post with your update. So you 'belong' at home but DS is 'allowed' to stay overnight?

Thats your argument right there. Tell him he needs to address his baggage.

The issues we had where he was quite bad with it were very early on (just dating then) and it was nipped in the bud and has been much better since.

Abuse begins or escalates with any commitment - especially children - which makes (usually) the woman more "stuck".

He never stopped being controlling, he deliberately restrained himself until he thought he could get away with it. This is deliberate, this is abuse and this is him.

It doesn't make him sound controlling. It makes him controlling. Sad face, puppy eyes is a recognised way that many men exert control. Control isn't just about aggression.

The mistake you made was staying with a controlling man and excusing it based on 'past relationships' and thinking you can 'nip it in the bud'
As you see, you can't nip controlling behaviour anywhere and it doesn't go away.
Stay at your friend's- but if he sulks and ruins your night out please give some serious thought to your situation for your sake.

@Sparklfairy

More a sort of 'aww you belong at home' sad face, puppy eyes style if that makes any sense at all!

Manipulative. As is the sulking (or threat of it).

Yes, this. BIL is a master at this particular technique. Funnily enough, 10 years later, SIL barely leaves the house except for work.....

If there are no childcare issues then he absolutely is being 100% unreasonable. And I'd be very very wary of any manipulation, sad eyes, sulking etc. Get angry, not guilty.

The added info that he isn't even looking after his own child just makes this so much worse.

Let me guess it's just easier for your mum to do it because he's made you feel so bad about going out that you couldn't inconvenience him in the slightest...

You need to go out more and make him look after his own child, clearly he needs to practice developing trust

Men like your husband never change, and I guarantee his ex-wife didn't make him insecure, controlling, and jealous - he was like that already. He's able to mask it well when he's getting his way, but if you dare step out of line, watch out. The mask slips.

Fuck him. You're not his property.

Also, I've read a million times on here that abuse and controlling behaviour can ramp up at the time of pregnancy/childbirth.

He would never actually stop me or say I can't go but in the past he would sulk about stuff like this the next day so it made it hard for me to actually enjoy myself when out.
He wants to ruin your time out and ensure you know that the next day will be tense so that in future you decide it isn't worth the hassle going out.

It's controlling and manipulative behaviour.

Are you sure he’s not just stressed about being left to look after the baby all night and all the next day while you’re at your friend’s house? Does he normally look after baby alone? Is he confident with feeding, changing, soothing etc?

Personally I wouldn’t go on a night out then sleepover shortly after having a baby (and I wouldn’t like my DH doing it either) but it would be related to leaving one person in sole charge of a tiny baby for 24 hours, nothing to do with jealousy or not trusting each other.

What if baby has a bad night and your DH is desperate for a nap after your lie-in, but you’re still at friend’s house?

I'd stay away for 2 nights! And I'd be doing it every few months.

It is really important that you go, that you don’t feel bad about his manipulation and that you pull him up on the manipulation afterwards - if he’s offhand with you, for example as a punishment.

If this is “just” baggage, that’ll help train him out of it.

I don’t it is just baggage though. Affairs are SO common. People deal with it. It sounds much more like an excuse for control.

YANBU.

Enjoy your night out and stay at your friends house.

If he is worried about the baby, leave him a long to do/checklist if he's honestly stressed about that.

Don't let him guilt you into feeling bad about one night out!!!

@GlassOnTheLawn

Are you sure he’s not just stressed about being left to look after the baby all night and all the next day while you’re at your friend’s house? Does he normally look after baby alone? Is he confident with feeding, changing, soothing etc?

Personally I wouldn’t go on a night out then sleepover shortly after having a baby (and I wouldn’t like my DH doing it either) but it would be related to leaving one person in sole charge of a tiny baby for 24 hours, nothing to do with jealousy or not trusting each other.

What if baby has a bad night and your DH is desperate for a nap after your lie-in, but you’re still at friend’s house?

The OP said he isn't even looking after the baby. Her mother is!

RED FLAG.

At a very minimum I'd 100% go and stay over because fuck being controlled by my partner.

I think you need to do some deeper thinking though. It's definitely unhealthy absolutely unacceptable behaviour from him.

Oh he sulks too. I missed that. How unattractive, and how very manipulative.

Watch yourself OP. I don't know a single woman who is in this situation who hasn't become a shadow of her former self and amended her behaviour to appease the man, consciously or unconsciously. It's no way to live.

@GlassOnTheLawn

Are you sure he’s not just stressed about being left to look after the baby all night and all the next day while you’re at your friend’s house? Does he normally look after baby alone? Is he confident with feeding, changing, soothing etc?

Personally I wouldn’t go on a night out then sleepover shortly after having a baby (and I wouldn’t like my DH doing it either) but it would be related to leaving one person in sole charge of a tiny baby for 24 hours, nothing to do with jealousy or not trusting each other.

What if baby has a bad night and your DH is desperate for a nap after your lie-in, but you’re still at friend’s house?

He's not looking after the baby her mum is Even if he was it would be no excuse