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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lied about when he got home - AIBU?

35 replies

Isthisadealbreaker · 24/06/2021 23:35

My partner of 5Y went out last week to watch footie with his mates. This was the first time he had been out in 18m. We decided it was better he stayed at his parent’s house that night for various reasons (young baby not sleeping/easier to get taxis with pals who live nearby).

I’d asked him to let me know he was “home” safe, as this is standard for us if we are apart. He did this, however he lied via text that he was home when he was not. He told me the following day they’d had drinks at a friends house after the match. The timeline didn’t add up with the “home safe” text, so I questioned it. He’s admitted it was a lie and he said he was drunk and “just trying to stop me worrying”. He’s angry at me now for being upset at the lie, saying he can do what he likes he’s a grown man etc.

I hadn’t text him that night at all, not once, not like I was bugging him or checking up on him - just genuinely wanted to know he was in ok/didn’t need a lift, as he would do if it were the other way around. Now I am questioning why he needed to lie about it.

He lies about other stupid stuff too and I realise this is all very immature but I just don’t know if I am over reacting.

YABU - this is a non issue, let it go
YANBU - seems dodgy, why lie?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/06/2021 23:39

Why does he often lie to you? He lied again, about this, so of course it’s impossible for you to trust him.

What a stressful unhappy way to live. You haven’t done anything wrong by being annoyed at finding out he’s lying and treating you like an idiot. Suggesting it was to do you a favour is even worse. It’s really disrespectful and hurtful.

JackieTheFart · 24/06/2021 23:43

Honestly, for me it depends on the other lie.

If I was going out and then staying over elsewhere, I wouldn’t expect to have to check in with my husband. Especially if I was staying with a parent!

But if this is just the last in a long line of trivial lies then I get you. I had a boyfriend who would lie about the most stupid stuff and it infuriated me.

Justmuddlingalong · 24/06/2021 23:43

I don't think the lying about when he got home is an issue in itself. But if it's just one example of other lying, immature behaviour, then that's a problem. Are you happy, or settling?

seensome · 24/06/2021 23:46

YABU he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell you he's home safe, he hadn't been out for months and wanted to properly have a good time without the pressure of being home when he's suppose to.
I've always resented when being asked when I'm home safe, it can feel like you're being checked up on.

Sillawithans · 24/06/2021 23:46

Non issue.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 24/06/2021 23:48

Yabu op

Dauphinois · 24/06/2021 23:55

Yabu. Stop checking up on him, he's a grown up now.

WeDontLikeCricket · 25/06/2021 00:04

My Dh has always done things like this, stupid meaningless lies, mainly if he thinks i won't like something. I dont check up on him at all and we have always been ok with each other going out, going away with friends etc so its always been unnecessary. I just ignore it now.

WeDontLikeCricket · 25/06/2021 00:04

I wouldn't ask him to let me know he's home though, just leave him to it.

melj1213 · 25/06/2021 00:07

Yabu, I'm single so I can roll home at whatever time I like without having to "answer" to anyone. Even when I lived with my parents as a teenager my parents only worried about when I would be getting home if they were expecting me to come home, and mostly so they knew that the banging around in the kitchen at 4am was drunk me trying to get a glass of water before bed and not a burglar ransacking the house. If I was going out and staying at a friend's they would only expect to hear from me in an emergency.

If I knew someone was potentially waiting up for me to get home and I knew I was going out out and would be home closer to dawn than dusk then I'd message them early to say I was home. That way they could sleep easy, I could go out without feeling guilty for having someone worry about me and everyone is happy.

Sparklfairy · 25/06/2021 00:08

On its own, it's a non issue. But as a pattern of lies told purely to cover his arse, no way. But I hate liars.

If he's going to bleat about being a grown up that can make his own decisions then he can at least have the balls to own those decisions and not lie about them.

RichmondMumof2 · 25/06/2021 00:08

Use this as an opportunity to agree together that you won't lie to one another about anything. Explore why he felt it was better to lie to you than tell the truth. He may have felt constrained by the request to give an update.

Indeed from now on you have a compromised basis to believe data coming from him. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion.

My sister lies like this and it comes from a well meaning place. She lies about the smallest things and it is a mechanism to avoid conflict or difficult conversations. It comes from a place of love and if he is doing it a lot he has maybe learned that it is better for him to lie than have a difficult conversation. As her sister I try to account for the probability that what she said is a lie.

Show him that you listen and understand and there is nothing he could say that would be worse than a lie. Telling the truth is far better. He is human and you would accept that he may forget to text when home.

Original poster
Isthisadealbreaker · 25/06/2021 00:10

Thanks all for various perspectives.

As I say it’s standard for us, he would expect me to let him know I was in ok too in same circumstances, or arrived safely somewhere etc. Town was mental due to football, and difficult to get on trains or get taxis - so he had asked if I could come get him if he was stranded. I don’t think unusual to let your partner know you’ve managed to get back ok and don’t need a lift.

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 25/06/2021 00:20

If I was out and having a good time, I wouldn't be able to relax knowing that my other half was waiting up for me to tell them I was home. I'd feel guilty for enjoying myself and be on tenterhooks all the time thinking that I should go so I could report in I was safe. So, yeah, I'd probably lie. Then my OH could sleep happily, and I could party happily.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2021 01:08

Honestly, for me it depends on the other lie.

WHY lie? A lie is a lie is a lie, and people who routinely tell little lies tell really big ones, too. It's who they are.

redtshirt50 · 25/06/2021 01:38

I think his reason for lying makes some sense

He didn’t want you waiting up all night for his text to say he got home

Yes, he could have just text to say ‘at x house won’t need a lift’ if the point of the home safe text was for him to let you know he wasn’t stranded but some people don’t think like that

I wouldn’t get annoyed about this as an isolated incident

redtshirt50 · 25/06/2021 01:42

Also I agree with PP, I tell my mum small lies regularly for an easy life

The lie doesn’t affect her in anyway, but if I told her the truth she would make things difficult for me / start forcing her opinion on me and I’d rather not have to deal with it

The lie is to benefit both of us, it allows us to maintain a pleasant relationship

So the other reason he may be lying is because he thinks you will react in a way he doesn’t want to deal with

Ladylokidoki · 25/06/2021 01:47

You see I would do this to my mum.

Because in my mid 30s she still wanted to know I was safe. If I was travelling for work, I had to text every step of the way.

Or away with friends. It's ruins a night out because I have on my mind 'must remember to text mum' all evening.

But in the other hand he expects of you. And you say he lies alot. So I haven't voted because I am not really sure.

I understand why he did want he did. But I understand it bothering you too.

Theboywiththearabstrap · 25/06/2021 03:54

I wouldn’t like this either but I can see why he would think in his drunken way that if he told you he was home safe you could “switch off” and relax / sleep better etc.

AlmostSummer21 · 25/06/2021 04:07

YANBU some people don't give that much of a crap about their partners, others like to know they're safely home.

I cannot abide being lied to or treat like a fool. He'd be told once about lying to me then if he carried on he'd find himself at his parents permanently.

I might not like the truth, but tell me the truth snd there's a chance we can work it out, lie to me & it's over!

Subjectivist · 25/06/2021 04:17

I dont understand why he would ask you for a lift though if he is staying elsewhere. I thought the whole point in staying at his parents was not to disturb you and the baby so why would he ask you for a lift?

ELM8 · 25/06/2021 04:44

YANBU defeats the point of him "checking in" if he's just gonna lie about it.

I don't think it's at all weird to let your husband / wife know you have got back safely.

DeathStare · 25/06/2021 04:54

Town was mental due to football, and difficult to get on trains or get taxis - so he had asked if I could come get him if he was stranded

In this context the lie makes perfect sense. He texted when he was certain he didn't need a lift from you. Technically he wasn't home, but he was somewhere safe where he wasn't going to be stranded.

Unless, of course, you have some suspicion that he was up to something more untrustworthy

garlictwist · 25/06/2021 05:05

Obviously the lying isn't great. But you do sound a bit over bearing and maybe he did it for a quiet life.

Why does he need to text to say he's home? You probably wouldn't read it until the morning anyway.

It does seem odd to me.

Sadiecow · 25/06/2021 05:52

Honestly he hasn't been out for 18 months! I'd be looking forward to a night alone to be honest!

He told he was home safe to appease you, stop doing it, it's not necessary.