Lied about when he got home - AIBU?

[Isthisadealbreaker]

My partner of 5Y went out last week to watch footie with his mates. This was the first time he had been out in 18m. We decided it was better he stayed at his parent’s house that night for various reasons (young baby not sleeping/easier to get taxis with pals who live nearby).

I’d asked him to let me know he was “home” safe, as this is standard for us if we are apart. He did this, however he lied via text that he was home when he was not. He told me the following day they’d had drinks at a friends house after the match. The timeline didn’t add up with the “home safe” text, so I questioned it. He’s admitted it was a lie and he said he was drunk and “just trying to stop me worrying”. He’s angry at me now for being upset at the lie, saying he can do what he likes he’s a grown man etc.

I hadn’t text him that night at all, not once, not like I was bugging him or checking up on him - just genuinely wanted to know he was in ok/didn’t need a lift, as he would do if it were the other way around. Now I am questioning why he needed to lie about it.

He lies about other stupid stuff too and I realise this is all very immature but I just don’t know if I am over reacting.

YABU - this is a non issue, let it go
YANBU - seems dodgy, why lie?

Sometimes lies are harmless , like this one. Yabu.

@seensome

YABU he's a grown man and doesn't need to tell you he's home safe, he hadn't been out for months and wanted to properly have a good time without the pressure of being home when he's suppose to. I've always resented when being asked when I'm home safe, it can feel like you're being checked up on.

It wasn't about when he was "supposed to" be home, though, where does it day that? He didn't have a deadline or a time he was asked to be home by at all. From what I can see, he could have stayed drinking at the friends house until 3am; it doesn't seem to matter to OP when he got home, it just matters whether he got home safely.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I am quite an anxious person by nature, but I always ask my husband to let me know when he is home if he's staying with family or friends. I'm not checking up on him per se, and tbh I'm usually asleep when the message comes through, it is just reassuring in the morning to have that text knowing he's safely arrived at wherever he is staying. Especially if in the morning I don't hear from him by the time he would usually wake up (early bird) - if I see he didn't get back until 4am, then I wouldn't expect him to be up at 8am like usual, so I wouldn't start being concerned about his safety.

I don't think that's weird... It certainly doesn't take much effort to send a little message saying "Back at X's house safely, see you tomorrow" 🤷‍♀️

Thank you @Nyala and others for understanding. It’s a mixed bag.

I wasn’t saying he needed to be home by a certain point. He knows I wouldn’t have a problem whether he got in at 11pm or got in at 4am - but there is a difference when you have kids. the difference between whether he’ll be laying in until midday as he was in really late, or back home in the morning to help with childcare. Maybe we should’ve just assumed the morning was a write off, but he didn’t say that - he said he’d let me know when he got home safely as that’s what we always do.

It may seem overbearing to others but it is just the norm for us, he expects me to let him know I got to work ok in the morning etc. This wasn’t a standalone incident of me nagging him to let him know when he got in, checking up on him. As PP said a late night text would likely go unread but then in the morning I’d know a) he was alright, after not drinking for a year and hadn’t over done it and b) when he was likely to be back to help with kids. The lift was only for emergencies. He could’ve said he didn’t need the lift earlier in the night and that he’d be late, he’s done that before.

The AIBU is more specifically about the lie, if we assume it’s normal (for us) to be “checking in” with each other. We’ve had “the chat” about lying and how it erodes my trust of him even if it’s about silly things. So I suppose that’s why I’m gutted he lied again about this when it was unnecessary. I feel like a fool too as the text wasn't just “I’m home” it was describing what tv he was watching and what he was up to… when I now know the whole convo was BS.

Maybe just put it down to the drink, not the worst crime I guess.

@Nyala I'm writing from op husbands POV and why I think he was lying. It would of been about the pressure of being home in a certain time and didn't want to worry her. Or at least that seems the most likely reason why.

This whole thing is majorly odd. He seriously expects you to text him to let him know you got to work safely?! But you didn’t have a conversation about what time you’ll need him back the next day?

Bizarre.

I'm confused by your update. If you weren't staying up worrying or checking he was safe til the next day, why did he need to text?

And you text when you arrive at work? What happens if you're late and you don't have time to text, or your battery dies, or you drop the phone? There'd be a full scale panic on both sides. You just seem to be creating stress for yourselves and each other.

We had a conversation. It was along the lines of “everywhere closes early due to covid, but I’m not sure if we’ll go on somewhere else after so I’ll let you know when I end up getting home/what’s happening”. As neither of us has been able to go out much recently and didn’t know what to expect everything was just left open ended, go with the flow. Im not sure why that’s odd.

I didn’t “need” him back at any particular time the next day, I can handle things myself. However I did need a heads up so as to know one way or another if he was joining us.

Perhaps I’m portraying a rigidity in our communications which doesn’t exist. We let each other know that we’re ok/what we’re up to, that’s it. There is no pressure. He works nights so I don’t see him when I get up. I will usually text him at some point in the morning to say I got the kids to nursery/school ok and didn’t miss my train/no delays etc. Just conversation to keep in touch as we are ships passing in the night most days. I really don’t think it’s relevant here.

If he had text to say he was at a friends house and it was going to be a late one, fine, I know what to expect the next day and I know he’s not stranded somewhere. But he didn’t, he text chose to text me at that point in time and lie about being back at his parents.

I think YABU when he's out, he's an adult so I voted YABU however I wouldn't like that he lies a lot in general, this would really annoy me

@Isthisadealbreaker

Perhaps I’m portraying a rigidity in our communications which doesn’t exist. We let each other know that we’re ok/what we’re up to, that’s it. There is no pressure. He works nights so I don’t see him when I get up. I will usually text him at some point in the morning to say I got the kids to nursery/school ok and didn’t miss my train/no delays etc. Just conversation to keep in touch as we are ships passing in the night most days. I really don’t think it’s relevant here.

If he had text to say he was at a friends house and it was going to be a late one, fine, I know what to expect the next day and I know he’s not stranded somewhere. But he didn’t, he text chose to text me at that point in time and lie about being back at his parents.

It does sound like you are both quite dependant on each other, and the need for always knowing what the other person is doing would completely suffocate me. A bit of distance is not a bad thing, even within a relationship. You are both capable of getting yourselves to work, going out for a drink, getting the kids from A to B. You are just creating unnecessary work and worry for the both of you. Even if, as you say, this is how you both have agreed you will do things, your kids will grow up anxious by the whole " I got myself to school/work/friends house etc without dying" thing.