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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH favours 1 child over other

64 replies

GreenArrow · 24/06/2021 22:22

Name change for this as it feels too personal. We have a DD7 and DS5. DH has always tended to favour DS subtly, eg. not telling him off for things that he would tell DD off for. About a month ago DH was getting picked up by a friend and last minute asked DS to go with him. They went out the door and DD was left in tears that she didn't get to go. I quickly took her mind off it and cheered her up by doing our nails together and trying to make her feel special. Later I told DH what happened after he left and he agreed that he'd take her next time he went somewhere. Now tonight, DD fell asleep before DS. Then DH tells DS he will take him out at the weekend, no mention of DD. I've got upset, reminded him of last time but it's basically just turned into an argument and now I don't feel like I can even look at him. How can he not recognise what he's doing to DD by leaving her out like this? What do I do?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 25/06/2021 13:15

I think we all have a favourite child if we're honest, dont we?

No, I don't think so.

I think if you do then most parents put in effort to build their relationship with the less favoured dc because they recognise it is a problem.

Twinsmum2003 · 25/06/2021 13:36

My husband used to coach my son’s sports team from when he was 5 years old so has made the effort with our daughter over the years to go on daddy/daughter dates for a meal, shopping, theatre etc. It’s easier as they get older and they have their own bond (they are so alike it’s not always easy). If your daughter is anything like mine she never shuts up so all my DH has to do is listen and get his wallet out occasionally. Perhaps your DH is daunted by DD being a girl and is at a bit of a loss what to do? I would suggest they go for a walk for half an hour hand in hand and he just listens, I’m sure she would love it, especially if it involved an ice cream or sweeties.

Persephoned · 25/06/2021 17:32

You’re doing the right thing to tackle this OP. Good luck. My father did this to me, it’s really affected my relationships with people.

MadMadMadamMim · 25/06/2021 17:35

She will notice. And it will affect her.

My DF favoured my brother (2 years younger than me) and did loads with him.

I've spent my adulthood thinking my dad is a bit of a twat and he wonders why I don't bother going to see him much.

Neither does my brother - so it did him no favours. Brother doesn't go because he's a self cetred arse who can't be bothered. I don't go because he literally spent my childhood making me feel he didn't give a shit about me.

Ask your DH if he'd like to look forward to that as they grow up.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 25/06/2021 17:44

@VeganVeal

I think we all have a favourite child if we're honest, dont we?
I tell my two that I do.. it's whoever is annoying me least at the time.

Seriously, I don't have a favourite. My son and daughter are extremely different and I love them deeply in different (equally protective) ways. They're both funny, clever, kind and strong willed, but in really different ways. I couldn't tell you I have a favourite and actually mean it.

billy1966 · 25/06/2021 17:54

@MadMadMadamMim

She will notice. And it will affect her.

My DF favoured my brother (2 years younger than me) and did loads with him.

I've spent my adulthood thinking my dad is a bit of a twat and he wonders why I don't bother going to see him much.

Neither does my brother - so it did him no favours. Brother doesn't go because he's a self cetred arse who can't be bothered. I don't go because he literally spent my childhood making me feel he didn't give a shit about me.

Ask your DH if he'd like to look forward to that as they grow up.

I think this is exactly what occurs.

I worked with a girl early in my career who was very bright.

Her brother was the hugely favoured child in her home and despite this girl being well capable of university, her parents, particularly her old fashioned father, thought there was no point and insisted she did a secretarial course.

Her brother failed his course exams a few times and had to repeat, costing more money.

She did a degree the long way and worked so, so hard, eventually landing a very prestigious position in her early 30's.
She also married incredibly well.

She has NEVER forgiven her parents and sees them once a year briefly, they are not a part of her 4 children's lives.

Her brother eventually qualified but golden boy has never really amounted to much, certainly he has given a very poor return on the huge investment of his parents.

Her anger is that such was the favouritism that her education was not worth investing in.
Her father wasn't nasty to her, just completely disinterested in her, her future, and providing her with any opportunity to fulfill her potential.

Hankunamatata · 25/06/2021 19:31

Perhaps a sport activity he can take her to like girls footie team etc

Wearywithteens · 25/06/2021 19:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BusyLizzie61 · 26/06/2021 07:45

@GreenArrow

I didn't speak to him at all last night. He had come home in a funny mood anyway and didn't seem to want to talk so I knew I wouldn't get anywhere if I tried. We don't see much of each other in the mornings so it'll have to be tonight I talk to him. I've decided I absolutely won't accept him taking DS out on his own. He can either take both of them or just DD. I'll start having a think today on activities he could do with her. I shouldn't have to as he should be able to do that himself but I'll do anything I can to help her.
This whole thread seems an absolute overreaction for what will be a second occurrence. You sound as though you have steam rollered in and made this into something bigger in the first place! There's nothing you've said that remotely suggests he treats them differently beyond 1 event. I'm not surprised that he feels you have overreacted. I do too. If you are tgat desperate for him to have 1:1 time, then drive them all to Saturday clubs and you go and get a coffee! This is making a non issue an issue, pandering to your daughter! That's not a great lesson either for her!
Lemonmelonsun · 26/06/2021 07:57

Time is not a line, I agree, good speech.

Only something like relate could help, your dh sounds arrogant or maybe he finds dd to hard to handle and can't tell you!

ElfDragon · 26/06/2021 08:14

My exH treats our ds very differently from how he treats our 2 dds.

Both dds noticed from very early on, and they both have a difficult relationship with their dad (they are both teens now)

Ds is a bit younger (9), and up until recently had claimed not to notice. Now, however, he is starting to not want to go and spend time with his dad because of how differently they are all treated, in particular he dislikes how exH treats eldest dd. Ds doesn’t want to be the favoured one, and is uncomfortable about it.

ExH thinks he is trying to change his behaviour, but it is so ingrained that he doesn’t even notice when he does it (eg he was planning on a trip out this weekend, but then changed what it was going to be - something both dds would have absolutely loved - because ds wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much. No question about it, just abandoned the first idea. Dd2 noticed and is annoyed about that, as they have endured many a trip that was for the benefit of ds only)

OP, you can try to get your H to step up, but sometimes this behaviour is so entrenched that it won’t change.

Graphista · 26/06/2021 15:54

Such a dynamic is harmful to the preferred "golden child" too op

Perhaps do some reading around toxic families and the golden child and scapegoat issues

Wrotten · 26/06/2021 16:08

My dad 100% favours my middle brother and always has. I can remember getting my shoes to go out with them only to find they'd quickly gone without me. It stays with you.

memberofthewedding · 26/06/2021 16:20

He needs to understand he is creating the 'black sheep/golden child' situation which fucks up both kids and the whole family dynamic

How right your are!

My younger sister was the golden child and it soured my relationship with both parents and also my sister. We have never been close even as adults. In later life when I had moved to another city my sister got left to look after my aging mother and deeply resented it because I was not there to share the burden.

I often feel that karma was paying her back for being the golden child. I got the smacks and she got the smiles.

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