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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH favours 1 child over other

64 replies

GreenArrow · 24/06/2021 22:22

Name change for this as it feels too personal. We have a DD7 and DS5. DH has always tended to favour DS subtly, eg. not telling him off for things that he would tell DD off for. About a month ago DH was getting picked up by a friend and last minute asked DS to go with him. They went out the door and DD was left in tears that she didn't get to go. I quickly took her mind off it and cheered her up by doing our nails together and trying to make her feel special. Later I told DH what happened after he left and he agreed that he'd take her next time he went somewhere. Now tonight, DD fell asleep before DS. Then DH tells DS he will take him out at the weekend, no mention of DD. I've got upset, reminded him of last time but it's basically just turned into an argument and now I don't feel like I can even look at him. How can he not recognise what he's doing to DD by leaving her out like this? What do I do?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 24/06/2021 23:11

No wonder you can't look at him i would be a mixture of sad, outraged and furious at him on her behalf, and I would get over it.

I don't like favouritism between children, I think it is so damaging long term and causes unnecessary barriers between siblings.

CupOfTPlease · 24/06/2021 23:22

He's a horrible prick.
Sorry, but it's true.

This is not acceptable and of course their will be an argument because he'll act like a victim. There is only one victim and that's your DD.

If he ever did that I'd say to DD oh go get your things you can go to.

CupOfTPlease · 24/06/2021 23:23

there*

whynotwhatknot · 24/06/2021 23:24

Say its either both go or noone does its really unfair what hes doing

Stompythedinosaur · 24/06/2021 23:37

I honestly thing you need a family therapist.

He is acting like this isn't a big deal, but it really is.

Kanaloa · 25/06/2021 00:39

This is awful. It’s not right either that you should need to force him into taking your dd out, this puts her in a position where she will feel his resentment as he only wanted to take his favourite and is now stuck with the girl he didn’t want to take. This will set your daughter up for a lifetime of poor self esteem.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/06/2021 01:00

I think you'll have to make an extra fuss of DD when dh takes ds out. Think of nice places to go - cinema to see a "girly" film? Swimming, shopping, roller skating or ice skating? Get a film in and have popcorn or ice cream. It's your special time.

Graphista · 25/06/2021 01:03

Those advising op to make a fuss of dd - this is not the answer

I grew up in a toxic family, dad had a favourite, mum had a different favourite they each had a different scapegoat too

It's extremely unhealthy and divisive

What needs to happen is the dad needs to cut this crap out

Dillydollydingdong · 25/06/2021 01:21

Sorry graphista I disagree. Someone needs to make the poor girl feel special and give her something to look forward to, and if daddy won't do it...

Ladylokidoki · 25/06/2021 01:26

@Graphista I agree. And likely the dd is at an age where she will realise that mum is doing that because dad favours her brother.

Her brother won't understand why is mother favours the sister.

Moonwhite · 25/06/2021 01:41

Or maybe you just go out, then he has to look after both of them

If he's making his favouritism that blatant I wouldn't want to leave her in that dynamic without anyone in her corner.

Moonwhite · 25/06/2021 01:46

Her brother won't understand why is mother favours the sister.

That's a hypothetical. Right now in reality there's just a little girl who doesn't understand why her father favours her brother.

I'd say the priority - aside from getting some sense into her idiot DH's head - is to do whatever she can to bolster up her DD's self-esteem.

If he's such a misogynist he really doesn't care about the impact he may be making on her and even her future relationships with men, I'd suggest involving other male relatives - cousins, uncles, grandfathers - to ensure she has some positive male role models in her life.

Ladylokidoki · 25/06/2021 01:51

That's a hypothetical. Right now in reality there's just a little girl who doesn't understand why her father favours her brother.

And I also mentioned why it was great for the dd to do this. Here it is again.

And likely the dd is at an age where she will realise that mum is doing that because dad favours her brother.

Its all hypothetical, because we are talking our own opinions. Our opinions aren't facts. My opinion is that the man trying to make her feel special will only make it worse for both kids.

Graphista · 25/06/2021 02:48

@Dillydollydingdong that was my mother's thinking that led to my sister being her golden child and me her scapegoat and also that led to my father scapegoating sister even more than he had been

Result? 3 very messed up kids, my sister and I no longer speak at all and my brother has very little contact with her or my mum.

He doesn't need to single her out for special treatment he just needs to treat both kids fairly - but this is clearly not easy for him.

I think the suggestion upthread for family therapy is a good one

timeisnotaline · 25/06/2021 03:10

I’d say the truth. I’m struggling to look at you now. I’ve told you you are emotionally neglecting our daughter and you’ve just said you will take our son out again. I’m sitting here trying to think how I can protect our daughter from you, and how this must reflect some deep rooted belief that boys are more important with you. I didn’t marry that.

Flippittyflopperty · 25/06/2021 06:19

Being seen to be fair is so important in parenting. He needs to find something he and dd will enjoy and bond over and bloody well do it with her.
Grr why do so many men take the easy option.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/06/2021 06:35

He can just start really small just walk to the local shop for some item and he takes DD with him. He won't build a relationship unless he invests time with her. It isn't always about big things just the small stuff that makes her feel considered.

I completely agree with Dilly Someone needs to make the poor girl feel special and give her something to look forward to, and if daddy won't do it...

It is text book.

TidyDancer · 25/06/2021 06:40

I was the scapegoat child and this absolutely needs nipping in the bud right now. You need to have a very serious conversation with DH. I think the suggestion of some kind of therapy may well be the best option. There's a small window now where this can be rowed back but it needs doing now.

Original poster

GreenArrow · 25/06/2021 06:48

I didn't speak to him at all last night. He had come home in a funny mood anyway and didn't seem to want to talk so I knew I wouldn't get anywhere if I tried. We don't see much of each other in the mornings so it'll have to be tonight I talk to him. I've decided I absolutely won't accept him taking DS out on his own. He can either take both of them or just DD. I'll start having a think today on activities he could do with her. I shouldn't have to as he should be able to do that himself but I'll do anything I can to help her.

OP posts:

LilTeapot · 25/06/2021 07:57

I'd definitely make a point of telling the children in front of him that he'd be taking dd out this week "because he took ds out last time so now it's dd's turn." Kids understand fairness.

MargaretThursday · 25/06/2021 07:57

Was he going to something that your ds would enjoy, or did ds ask to go?

I used to do quite a lot of things with df. I used to go to golf with him, sit in his woodwork shed and chat, go out to buy wood etc. I remember doing these things age 3yo when I has definitely more of a hindrance than anything else.

I loved doing it. They weren't things that he could have taken all 3 of us to-I suspect at times even having one was a bit of a pain.

The thing was I asked. I'd see him getting ready and ask to go. The others never asked to join him. He'd take me more often than not if I asked.

What I didn't know until adulthood that my siblings felt it was unfair that I went. They didn't realise I asked. He didn't realise they thought it was unfair because they didn't.
I don't actually think, from the conversation I had with them, that they wanted to go, just thought it was unfair that I was always "the one to be asked."
I am confident that if they had asked he would have alternated who went.

billy1966 · 25/06/2021 09:29

@timeisnotaline

This.

Not acceptable.

I would not put up with my husband hurting any of my children with his behaviour particularly deliberately.

Because you have pointed it out and he continues doing it, I class it as deliberate.

davidrosejumper · 25/06/2021 10:11

Making things fairer will not be enough. As long as your DP does not build up an actual, meaningful bond with your DD, and properly gets to know her, she will have experiences like this throughout her life. He needs to get to know her, as this is the only way he will learn to love her.

Your partner's mask will slip and expose how he really feels about her on multiple occasions. It will hurt every time to not be properly 'seen' and appreciated by someone who should be one of your biggest champions and sources of support. The responsibility for fixing this lies with him.

VeganVeal · 25/06/2021 10:53

I think we all have a favourite child if we're honest, dont we?

EKGEMS · 25/06/2021 11:46

Yeah right,@VeganVeal all parents favor one child over others,exclude the less favored one and lie through our teeth to our partners about it!!! 😡

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