To expect sons dad to have some kind of comfy sleeping place for DS.

[Kab129]

DS used to sleep at his dads quite often in his dads old place but now not so much at all in their new place. Dd doesn't want to go.

There's been talks of starting overnights more regular again.

But there's nowhere for him to comfortably sleep at his dads new place. My ex and his partner have 2 very small children. I know houses are expensive. I don't expect DS to have his own bedroom there seeing as his little he actually goes over there these days BUT they've arranged nothing.

He's stayed in the new house a handful of times in the last few months but DS doesn't want to go due to lack of comfort. . DS either sleeps on the floor with a quilt or maybe on the sofa which doesn't seem too bad but DS says the sofa isn't comfy. It's like one with a wood arm he says 😂

I mean there's other options right? They could buy a sofa bed? Or a camp bed? Air mattress?!

Aibu to think they should sort something? Even just a fold out camp bed?! Then maybe he will want to go again!

That's really cruel to your son. I'd be fuming

Agree though him being shit has nothing to do with the gf. Know it feels that way but it is all on him.

My ex thought it was ok for his (then) 7 year old to sleep on a piece of rolled up carpet and his (then) 16 year old daughter to sleep either on the floor or in bed with him
Ex wife found out and went mental
Two air beds where promptly bought with proper bedding
It’s not hard to figure something out even if your short on space

@Bookaholic73

Just a thought. If they have 2 children and live in a small 2 bed house..maybe they are struggling to afford a bed for DS?

In that situation I would sleep on the sofa or floor myself and give my child the bed.

No idea why I can’t quote, but in reply to @SaltAndVinegarSandwiches

So you’d turf yourself AND your OH out of bed?
There is no way that I’d give up my bed for my DH’s child. Our bed is for us.

@Bookaholic73

Just a thought. If they have 2 children and live in a small 2 bed house..maybe they are struggling to afford a bed for DS?

I don't think money is the issue. They seem to have holidays, days out, regular meals out etc. All posted on social media. I'm friends with him on fb. I need to delete him! I'm sure an air bed costs next to nothing anyway! 😒

People will shoot me down, but based on your update, I wouldn't be letting him stay - he is vulnerable and being treat appallingly. Dad needs to make an effort to see him, without stay overs.

To add, they haven't just moved in. I called it their new house because it's still new to DS because he's probably been there less than 10 times. They moved in not too long before lockdown 1! As above I don't think money is the issue. They seem to have quite a bit!

@Bookaholic73

No idea why I can’t quote, but in reply to *@SaltAndVinegarSandwiches*

So you’d turf yourself AND your OH out of bed?
There is no way that I’d give up my bed for my DH’s child. Our bed is for us.

Errr yes of course I would. If you can't manage to properly accomodate your partner's child then yes I'd spend a night on the floor rather than make them feel unwelcome in their parent's home. Who on earth sleeps happily in their bed while their child, who barely visits is curled up on the floor?

This is awful.
Yes he needs a bed, otherwise is just camping.
Plenty if cheap solutions available.

@Looubylou

People will shoot me down, but based on your update, I wouldn't be letting him stay - he is vulnerable and being treat appallingly. Dad needs to make an effort to see him, without stay overs.

You are right! 😒 DS lost all confidence in his dad until recently but the last few weeks they've been building a relationship again. He's mentioned he would like to stay and his dad has agreed so I don't want to ruin the confidence he's been building up. He has stayed there before and it's always on the floor!

Thing is DS has accepted sleeping on the floor or the sofa (floor is probably comfier as the sofa is said to have solid wood arms with no fabric according to DS)! But I just feel so sad. When he has a massive small double bed at home (I know double bed sounds ott for a 10 year old but he is super fidgety at night and likes to stretch out).

I think he'd really love the novelty of a fold out camp bed. When I was a kid I slept at my grandparents on a camp bed!! They had spare bedrooms but the house was old and scary and didn't like sleeping on my own so they let me camp out in their bedroom! Not saying at DS wants to sleep in with his dad and his partner but just an idea regarding the camp bed 😂

After reading that bit about the stepmother, and your ex's total unwillingness to insist that his son have a proper place to sleep, as well as a few toys that are his own, I would remind you that while children do need a father, they do not necessarily need their own father. Not if he treats them like interlopers into his "real" family. I wouldn't push the visits unless and until things change. Nor would I hesitate to tell the courts, should it come down to that, your reasons for that decision.

Based on your updates I wouldn’t be letting my child stay there. He’s extremely vulnerable due to his SEN and is treated as a second class citizen as it is. His self esteem will take a bit every time he’s in their company. The gf does sound like a cunt so she and your ex are a match made in hell. However, he’s worse as he allows her to treat his kid badly, joins in and won’t supply a fucking bed for him. No wonder your daughter has already decided to sack off staying there. Is she treated any better?

I'd be tempted to send ds with a camp bed

@IDontReadEyebrows

Based on your updates I wouldn’t be letting my child stay there. He’s extremely vulnerable due to his SEN and is treated as a second class citizen as it is. His self esteem will take a bit every time he’s in their company. The gf does sound like a cunt so she and your ex are a match made in hell. However, he’s worse as he allows her to treat his kid badly, joins in and won’t supply a fucking bed for him. No wonder your daughter has already decided to sack off staying there. Is she treated any better?

I do agree. I only have the one child with him. My daughter is with dh! 💕

Thanks all. I grew up without a dad and I never wanted to stop DS seeing his dad but I would feel it's easier if he didn't see him and would be easier if it fizzled out completely! DS has gained a little confidence with his dad the last few weeks. They've had a few afternoons o just the 2 of them which is nice!

DS is definitely becoming more understanding of the dynamic though and voicing his thoughts more on the situation!

I wouldn't mind buying a camp bed if I had to! I just feel I shouldn't have to!

I don't expect DS to have his own bedroom! The housing market is crazy. They probably can't afford anything bigger - a bit like us! But maybe something in their house a little more suitable than the floor!

Bookaholic73

Just a thought.
If they have 2 children and live in a small 2 bed house..maybe they are struggling to afford a bed for DS?

Just a thought - perhaps his Dad should have made sure he could afford a bed for the kid he had already before he had more.

Unbelievable!

Sorry OP. You are obviously trying to keep his relationship with his Dad going to benefit your DS but I wouldn’t be sending a vulnerable child into a situation where he is not made part of the family, not even allowed his own toys and only going round when his half siblings are in bed, or even has a ‘space’ in the house!

Of course it’s all down to his Dad that’s he’s got with a woman who doesn’t want him in her home, a decent Dad wouldn’t be with someone who behaved like that. I’d only allow daytime visits in your shoes and the first time DS showed any upset about how he’s treated there, he wouldn’t be going again.

Maybe they should just stick to the days out together. It's highly inappropriate to have your Ds sleep on the floor. What has your ex said about that? How does he justify it? A blow up mattress wouldn't be difficult to store if they are short on space for a pull out bed. I'd be having words with ex before allowing Ds to stay again.

Of course!

An air bed is perfectly affordable and way more comfortable than the options your DS currently has.
Do you have the kind of relationship with your ex where you could let him know DS would like to stay but isn't comfortable on the sofa / floor?
And, YANBU to think this isn't on. He must feel unwelcome with the way things are.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Your ex is being a horrible dad.
I don't think in your situation I'd buy a camp bed or suggest a camp bed. They're so uncomfortable! He is as much your ex's child as his half-siblings, and he should be provided with as much as they are - meaning a proper bed (even it if is a trundle bed).
Futons and camp beds were invented for people who hate having houseguests!

As a step mum and mum myself I cannot comprehend the thought of a child not having a place to sleep. When we moved into our house we didn't have a child but our priority was to get a bed and toys etc for my partners son. Had we not my partner would 100% have slept on the floor to give his son a place to sleep. I have a dd with my partner now and I can't imagine if we broke up and he made her sleep on the floor, I would be putting the brakes on visits until a suitable sleeping situation was organised. From reading your posts though op I wonder if your ex is hoping you do that so that he can go on living his own life with his 'new' family without his son but with the decision being made by you so he's not the bad guy? From what you've said he makes barely an effort and seems to be seeing him because he has to? Feel for you and your son op, at least he has a loving mother and step father, your exes loss.

On camp beds and air beds, both DS and I can sleep on camp beds but not air beds. Air beds are too soft and they move when you roll over, I don't find them at all comfortable. A fold out bed with a thin mattress, absolutely fine. So the choice has to be one where the child in question is comfortable.

I've admittedly never had to navigate this kind of situation but I would absolutely buy him a foldable mattress to take. Its not good enough and you absolutely shouldn't be buying it. But at the end of the day your son has come to you with a problem that ex is too self absorbed to even consider never mind solve. You can't stop him going because you want them to have a relationship. You can't make them buy him what he needs (because they truly sound like awful people). I couldn't sleep knowing my poor boy had been put on the floor. Your DS will see that you are the one who has stepped up for him. I'd probably also get him a really cosy sleeping bag to labour the point that what they are providing is unsuitable but I'm petty like that.

She doesn't like DS at all! He has sen and doesn't like him around her younger children sadly and won't allow DS any toys over there. My ex used to see ds a lot more until he moved in with her then it just dwindled out 😭 I'm not saying it's entirely her fault at all but she is a part of it! My sons dad needs to buck up. But this is a while different story and I don't really want to go into full details! DS always asked me why he isn't allowed to daddy's house very often. DS isn't allowed much of a relationship with his siblings. If he stays there he isn't allowed over until they are are asleep and he comes home really early

So he can only go there when his siblings are asleep, and leaves pretty much when they get up? He literally only sleeps there and in a floor or sofa at best?

I wouldn't be sending him. It's worse than not going at all. He's seen as a pariah. Can't have his own toys, can't be seen by the other children, sleeps on the floor. This is abuse.