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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my friend

35 replies

emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 11:07

My friend and I have been close for over 10 years and met at uni so we have a lot of history.

Although I care deeply for her, I find myself despairing at her life choices and decisions very often.

We have always joked that she is the nuts one with bad decisions and her nickname for me is 'lighthouse' because I always give her clarity and guidance.

However she never really listens to that guidance and I can see the train wreck she gets herself into from a mile off.

I'm kind of tired of all her shit now. It's just constant drama and despair and I do not have the energy for it anymore, especially as most of the situations she gets herself into could be avoided.

Examples include losing her job, dropping everything for toxic men, being reckless with money and excessive drinking etc etc

We have drifted apart and don't speak so much anymore, but recently she's been trying to get back in touch.

I am just not looking forward to speaking to her and hearing what's new.

I don't want to hurt her or end our friendship in a final way, but I also am happier without Her.

How do I express that?

Or AIBU to expect her to make the decisions I would?

Would love to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 24/06/2021 11:10

Just let it drift.

mangojango · 24/06/2021 11:12

Don't express it - it will express itself if you keep busy and keep coming up with excuses not to see her.

Chiffandbip · 24/06/2021 11:16

I have a friend like this. I think if you just meet for a very boundaries amount of time for coffee and make sure you tell her some of your problems/ issues too, so there isn’t a power imbalance between you growing.
Then go but make another date for a couple of months time.

Original poster
emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 11:17

Yeah that is my instinct too.

Another mutual friend has informed me that she has noticed I'm not making any effort with her anymore and is wanting to have a big talk about it.

Hopefully she just leaves it.. but if I get asked to my face, what do I say!

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 11:19

@Chiffandbip

I have a friend like this. I think if you just meet for a very boundaries amount of time for coffee and make sure you tell her some of your problems/ issues too, so there isn’t a power imbalance between you growing. Then go but make another date for a couple of months time.
Thank you. I definitely feel like I need to draw some boundaries.

I genuinely feel bad that I'm dreading the next time we have to hang out haha.. it's so awful and confusing!

OP posts:
BlusteryLake · 24/06/2021 11:28

Just let the friendship ebb. You risk turning it into a drama if you say you are deliberately reducing contact. Who knows, she might change in a few years and you could pick it back up again.

Lindy2 · 24/06/2021 11:28

I know someone like this. It's incredibly frustrating to always be told their difficulties but them never listen to or accept any advice.

I'm probably too blunt but I'm at the stage of being completely honest and saying that it's very difficult to be put in the situation where you are just used as a sounding board for their problems.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/06/2021 11:40

If she is a friend who values your opinion because you have such clarity where her life is concerned, she should be able to accept when you say to her that you're not enjoying the friendship in the way you were at the start and it's not as much fun anymore.

That, or just keep the conversation to topics that you know you can control and don't leave yourself open to having a 'lighthouse' moment for her.

You mention that another mutual friend has noticed that you're not as involved. I wonder if the mutual friend is having to listen to her issues and life stories and is becoming overwhelmed with them?

Ohmygoshandfolly · 24/06/2021 11:42

Don’t turn it into a huge drama, just slowly phase her out.

Ingridla · 24/06/2021 12:02

Unless she's completely ambivalent and lacking in self awareness I'd have thought she's become aware of how her behaviour has affected you and your friendship.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it and just let awkward silences do their job, she may well learn that time is up on her recklessness.

It may well serve as a wake up call for he to look at herself and maybe start mending her ways, here's hoping!

If she does challenge you as to why you've not been so forthcoming lately I would just sort of go quiet then change the subject to yourself and stuff you've had going on (which isn't self destructive alcohol induced crap) and see if she gets the message.

TheTuesdayPringle · 24/06/2021 12:12

@emilybens123

Yeah that is my instinct too.

Another mutual friend has informed me that she has noticed I'm not making any effort with her anymore and is wanting to have a big talk about it.

Hopefully she just leaves it.. but if I get asked to my face, what do I say!

That sounds a bit wrong, like being called to the principal's office or something.

You don't have to answer to anyone. Turn it back on her, ask what she means and why she's making an issue out of a non issue. Time has passed and people have moved on, it's all normal and you sure as hell don't have to justify your social life to anyone else.

I think you are probably someone who cares a bit too much what other people think.

Great that you have learnt to step away from drama. Next you can practise not giving a damn what other people think

VettiyaIruken · 24/06/2021 12:19

Since you are about to bin the friendship anyway, if she does ask you then why not be honest? I can't keep on giving you advice that you ask for then ignore and go on to make damaging choices. It's exhausting and frustrating.

Either she'll not want to remain friends in which case you've got the outcome you are currently looking for
Or she'll take a good long look at herself and make changes in which case you've got a drama free version of her

HollowTalk · 24/06/2021 12:23

I think she needs that conversation and to be told that you hate to see her self-destruct. I wonder whether alcohol is the root of all her bad decisions.

Original poster
emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 12:49

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your good advice.

I think I'll leave the friendship to drift and not make the effort to meet or talk, but if she does confront me/ asks me if somethings up, then I will be honest but not too blunt.

I definitely don't want there to be a drama or scene from it.

As some of you have said, maybe the honesty will give her a wake up call.

She does have binge drinking problems for sure. She quit drinking for 3 months last year and felt amazing for it, but is back on it now.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 24/06/2021 12:49

Don't tell the truth, she won't cope well and will fly off the rails then blame you for it! Just say, sorry I'm busy with work/family/hobby commitments. Keep her at arms length and see her once in a blue moon for coffee and a catch up.

billy1966 · 24/06/2021 12:50

@TheTuesdayPringle

You don't owe anyone your time nor an explanation IMO.

Life is too short to be used as a mentor/confidant/free therapist.

She is using you.

I am being harsh but she sounds like a moron and I couldn't be listening to years of endless stupid decisions.

That is not what friendship is about.

I would continue to let it drift, be busy, very busy, no apologies, just busy.

Say you will give her a shout when you have time for coffee, string it out as long as you can.

If you do meet for coffee, make it for a limited time and don't get into giving her advice on her latest drama.

What you share is history, not a friendship.

You have every right to move on from this.
Flowers

WellLarDeDar · 24/06/2021 12:51

It's probably better that you talk to her and make it clear where you stand rather than ghosting her. Just say 'look I care about you a lot, maybe I'm getting old or just our lives are moving in different directions but I have so much going on I just dont have the energy for all the drama any more, I'm just not interested in it like I used to be. I'll always care about you very much but I just feel like when we talk it's really stressful because you're so self-destructive and its a lot for me to always be giving you support when I know you know better'

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/06/2021 12:52

I agree you should just phase her out.

You certainly don’t need an in-depth discussion about it - you don’t owe her friendship or advice or an explanation!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/06/2021 12:54

I get this from my mum of all people (I won’t phase her out though as she is my mum and otherwise lovely Grin )

I’ve heard a million times about how unhappy she is with my dad - inappropriately in my view! I’ve told her my advice. She’s ignored it or followed it and gone back on herself, million times so I’m not giving it again!

Original poster
emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 12:58

[quote billy1966]@TheTuesdayPringle

You don't owe anyone your time nor an explanation IMO.

Life is too short to be used as a mentor/confidant/free therapist.

She is using you.

I am being harsh but she sounds like a moron and I couldn't be listening to years of endless stupid decisions.

That is not what friendship is about.

I would continue to let it drift, be busy, very busy, no apologies, just busy.

Say you will give her a shout when you have time for coffee, string it out as long as you can.

If you do meet for coffee, make it for a limited time and don't get into giving her advice on her latest drama.

What you share is history, not a friendship.

You have every right to move on from this.
Flowers[/quote]
Thank you. This sums up how I feel about our friendship now. It's so one sided and I feel like a therapist.

You articulated it perfectly.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 12:59

@WellLarDeDar

It's probably better that you talk to her and make it clear where you stand rather than ghosting her. Just say 'look I care about you a lot, maybe I'm getting old or just our lives are moving in different directions but I have so much going on I just dont have the energy for all the drama any more, I'm just not interested in it like I used to be. I'll always care about you very much but I just feel like when we talk it's really stressful because you're so self-destructive and its a lot for me to always be giving you support when I know you know better'
Copying this exact message for the time she asks me what's up!! This is perfect - firm but showing I care and not too blunt.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilybens123 · 24/06/2021 13:01

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I get this from my mum of all people (I won’t phase her out though as she is my mum and otherwise lovely Grin )

I’ve heard a million times about how unhappy she is with my dad - inappropriately in my view! I’ve told her my advice. She’s ignored it or followed it and gone back on herself, million times so I’m not giving it again!

I feel for you! It's very exhausting to be on and off someone's not-so-merry go round, especially when you care about them.
OP posts:
Brown76 · 24/06/2021 13:01

Think about what you are happy to do and what you aren’t happy to do, and tell her that:

E.g. I am happy to meet up for coffee once in a while, I am happy for us to share our news. I’m not able to give you any advice, I’m not able to have hour long phone calls with you, it’s not much fun for me.

Just make it all about you, take it or leave it. Then you’re giving her the choice but not accusing her of anything or asking her to change her actions (she won’t).

TreeSmuggler · 24/06/2021 13:10

I don't think it has to be either a) she makes the decisions you would or b) you ditch her. The middle ground is that you talk about other things.

Thats if you still want to be friends, if you don't, fair enough.

JSL52 · 24/06/2021 13:13

She may have MH issues.