To be sick of my friend

[emilybens123]

My friend and I have been close for over 10 years and met at uni so we have a lot of history.

Although I care deeply for her, I find myself despairing at her life choices and decisions very often.

We have always joked that she is the nuts one with bad decisions and her nickname for me is 'lighthouse' because I always give her clarity and guidance.

However she never really listens to that guidance and I can see the train wreck she gets herself into from a mile off.

I'm kind of tired of all her shit now. It's just constant drama and despair and I do not have the energy for it anymore, especially as most of the situations she gets herself into could be avoided.

Examples include losing her job, dropping everything for toxic men, being reckless with money and excessive drinking etc etc

We have drifted apart and don't speak so much anymore, but recently she's been trying to get back in touch.

I am just not looking forward to speaking to her and hearing what's new.

I don't want to hurt her or end our friendship in a final way, but I also am happier without Her.

How do I express that?

Or AIBU to expect her to make the decisions I would?

Would love to hear your opinions.

I've been the friend who has been a bit all over the place and now I'm the friend who is the one who other people come to for guidance, I don't look down on them or judge them. I think you sound a bit holier than thou joking she's the train wreck and you're the lighthouse. She might have addiction issues or mh problems. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who judged me so harshly.

I really like the ‘word for word’ suggestion earlier on this thread. Another option is to answer any of her queries by sorting your thoughts along these lines:

‘In the last months, I’ve been concentrating on improving my attitude to relationships in my life. Sorting out my boundaries with people, boundaries that better support my own mental health goals. I realise I was doing a lot of listening and hugging at the cost of some stuff I needed help with. That’s true of our friendship, for sure. I’ve had to reassess things, because it really wasn’t working for me, with the dynamic it had.’’

Basically, you’d be making it all about you. No one can argue with that, effectively, it’s your feelings about your life. They can just choose to take it into account or just walk away. Win-win.

I have a similar situation with one of my best friends and it’s exhausting.

I meet her once or twice a week and it’s basically a free counselling session for her. She offloads all of her worries (and there’s loads), moans (loads of those too), judgements of others and stresses.

She goes home happier and I go home exhausted and stressed. The worst thing is I barely ever get chance to say what’s going on with me.

It puts me off meeting up tbh, but we have shared interests and I can’t really avoid her.

@emilybens123

Yeah that is my instinct too.

Another mutual friend has informed me that she has noticed I'm not making any effort with her anymore and is wanting to have a big talk about it.

Hopefully she just leaves it.. but if I get asked to my face, what do I say!

Tell her you find her life choices / stories of woe exhausting/ draining. They wouldn't be your choices and you find it difficult to watch someone you care about live their life like that. Explain you can't help her make better/different decisions and it difficult for you to watch her go through life in such a way shambolic way.

Blah blah...

@Watermelon221

I have a similar situation with one of my best friends and it’s exhausting.

I meet her once or twice a week and it’s basically a free counselling session for her. She offloads all of her worries (and there’s loads), moans (loads of those too), judgements of others and stresses.

She goes home happier and I go home exhausted and stressed. The worst thing is I barely ever get chance to say what’s going on with me.

It puts me off meeting up tbh, but we have shared interests and I can’t really avoid her.

God help you, I have know people like this but ruthlessly ditched them as with young children I honestly wasn't able for it during my down time.

People are often drains/radiators.
Any friend can have a tough time but someone who endlessly bores the arse off you week in, week out, needs cutting out or at least distance/strategies in to reduce their impact.

Going home shattered after being with someone is not on.

@JSL52

She may have MH issues.

OP probably would have mentioned that

It's never going to get better unless she stops drinking, just for starters. Tell her that.

@JSL52

She may have MH issues.

Don't we all, to some extent.

It's not an automatic get out for any kind of shitty behaviour, and as someone with lifelong mental health problems I'm sick of this being rolled out on every similar thread.

Sometimes it is best to be honest. I had an old friend who basically offended me every time we met, she lived away and would want to visit every time she was in the area. I realised I just didn't want to spend time with her and it was actually the first time I posted on MN, to ask what to do!

I'd tried to avoid her for ages and make excuses and I was advised on here to just tell her the reasons I didn't want to meet, so I sent her a long email explaining how her behaviour made me feel. She responded saying I wasn't the first person to feel like this (!) and apologised. We did drift apart a bit but we stayed on friendly terms.

Maybe you should explain in a gentle way as possible?

@PromTwink I have MH issues. I agree it should not be used as a get out for shit behaviour.