AIBU to do controlled crying with my 3.5 year old?

[Sleepdeprive]

Controlled crying as in I go in after 5 min, then 10, then 15 and so on.
At my wits end, have tried everything and it’s having a detrimental affect on my already poor mental health now.

Has anyone had any success with this with over 3’s?

What's the problem you're trying to solve?

@olderthanyouthink my 3 year old taking two hours to go to sleep and then waking up numerous times throughout the night.

What their day like? Timings?

DD has never been what you'd describe as a good sleeper so you have my sympathy, right now I think she's doing only one wake but waking up at sparrows fart 🤦‍♀️

I feel your pain. One of my kids didn’t start sleeping till they were 4. It was horrific. If you feel that it’s something that can work, with a consistent approach then give it a go. If you explain to them that you’re just going to be in your room/living room whatever, so they know you haven’t abandoned them. It gets to the point when you need your sanity. And it’s not like leaving a tiny baby to cry, who has no idea what is going on.

At 3.5 they are old enough to understand they are not being abandoned. I wouldn’t call it CC, just tough love and discipline!
Are they scared of the dark? I’m assuming you already have a night light? Have you tried a story that plays as they go to sleep?

Yes, we did this with DD when she was a similar age. We were desperate and I was put on medication to control migraines due to prolonged lack of sleep. She was awake for hours in the night, it was awful. Co sleeping was not an option for our family.

We had to put a baby gate across her door, took a night or two and it solved the problem. She slept brilliantly from then on and she, and I are much happier. Aged 7 she is now a great sleeper.

As PP says, it helped that she was old enough to understand what was happening, and we did explain/reassure her.

I did it out of desperation too, and was so worried it wouldn’t work - thankfully it did and she only cried for a little bit. I think we may have used some rewards/treats in the morning alongside the CC.

Good luck, you have my total sympathy.

I just did the same sort of method with my just turned 3 yr old. She was taking hours to sleep and would not go to sleep on her own, it was making us all utterly miserable. I basically did the super nanny method, instructed a strict routine of dinner, relax time, bath, story, bed. Then once she was in bed she was absolutely not allowed to leave. The first few nights it took hours of relentless screaming from her and banging of the doors. I just went back in everytime and put her back in bed. After about two weeks it clicked and now apart from the general faff of mum I need a wee/dropped a teddy/want to see dad/anything that doesn’t involve sleep, she is now only taking half hour/hour max to self soothe to sleep with no tears. Be warned, it takes hours of willpower before you get to this stage.

We recently did this with my 2.5 year old. Similar to poster above we put gate on his door. First 3 nights were hard - but it was like a miracle after that. His night wakings also dramatically reduced, as he doesn't need us to settle him now.

You'll have some people tell you it's cruel, but we were desperate & he is SO much happier for the sleep now, a different child.

YANBU. Kids need good quality sleep!

I recommend joining a good sleep training group on Facebook for support and guidance in case you need it. Respectful Sleep Training/Learning is an excellent evidence based group.

He spends mon to Thur with a childminder 9-430 and Friday with me.
He has a small light on outside his room and his door is left ajar
Last night at one point during his tantrum he kept asking for his sister so I said no, but it’s like he’s just not listening he just keeps repeating it louder and louder. It’s like I can’t through to him when he is like that

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava I tried searching for that group on Facebook but nothing came up ?

I don't think it's controlled crying with a 3 year old. Don't feel guilty! They aren't even a toddler anymore. They understand they aren't being abandoned, it's just bedtime and you are going to sleep. Best thing for both of you to get a proper nights sleep. YANBU. Best of luck. :)

Could you try some sort of sticker/reward chart? A gro clock? Nightlight? Story playing? As PPs have said it isn't really CC at that age more establishing firm boundaries. If he comes out the room calmly take him back over ane over until he stays where he is.

In honesty, I sat with my dc at that age for 15 mins while they went to sleep. It was less stressful for both of us. Various people on here lredicted I would set up a bad pattern I wouldn't be able to get out of, but by the time they were 4 both dc just seemed ready to settle on their own and did it without a fight.

At 3.5 I wouldn't even consider it controlled crying. It's ignoring a tantrum.

@Stompythedinosaur I tried that but each night he took longer and longer to settle and go to sleep

Don't know if we were harsh but after 2 yrs unless ds was poorly or scared we made it clear he was in bed to sleep and we wouldn't be coming in.Hes 7 now and it's kiss,cuddle sleep time and hes used to it.

I mean if he made himself scared "I can see a monster" etc I don't mean there were things to fear in his upbringing

I had this with my dd. I did the method where you move further out of the bedroom each night. (We went from hand holding to go to sleep). I sat on the floor and moved a foot away then in the doorway. Then in my bedroom doorway, top of the stairs etc. Any crying just said “shh” and “it’s bedtime now”. It was the only thing that seemed to work. We still have faffing around eg need a wee, have something really important to tell me etc but it’s much better than up and down all night!!

I did this with my son at a similar age, whe he came out of the cot to a toddler bed.

It's worth looking up the timing as it's bit 5/10/15 mins it's hotter than that.

It too maybe 3 nights and mostly involved my husband managing it and me sobbing in the kitchen, DS was also found asleep on the floor in front of the gate a couple of night but plain sailing after.

I successfully did the same as @Lilyminilli when my eldest son was 3. It's more gentle and less screaming.

I know that tonight if I close his gate he will kick off as he hates it being closed and if I do go in his room he will try everything to keep me in there and will just repeat over and over what he wants.
What do I do?

Perhaps say to him that you will leave his gate open as long as he doesn’t come out of his room? If he comes out then shut the gate or keep taking him back to bed.

Have you tried a reward system? So sit him down during the day way before it’s time for bed and explain why sleep is important, to keep our bodies strong etc and what you want him to do at bedtime and sort of casually reinforce expectations throughout the day. Sort of set the scene I guess. Then explain if he does that then you can do “x fun thing” eg toy from shop or trip somewhere fun. If he does it, lots of praise and reward. If he doesn’t do it, oh sorry sweetie mummy is too tired today to go to fun place because we didn’t get good sleep. My children seem to react a lot better to things they don’t want to do if they understand why it’s important and the consequences of doing it or not doing it.

Does he come out of his room? If so you need the Super Nanny back to bed routine. Basically he is returned to bed with absolutely no interaction form you, a silent return no matter what he is saying or doing. It will take quite a few returns and probably a few nights.

If it's just shouting / crying then ignore, ignore, ignore. Also use a gro clock.

I tried reward system but he’s being with his speech so I’m not sure he really understands