AIBU to do controlled crying with my 3.5 year old?

[Sleepdeprive]

Controlled crying as in I go in after 5 min, then 10, then 15 and so on.
At my wits end, have tried everything and it’s having a detrimental affect on my already poor mental health now.

Has anyone had any success with this with over 3’s?

I don’t even understand why you’re hesitating tbh. You deserve a proper nights sleep too!

Have you tried making him feel secure so that he's happy to stay in bed alone?
My dd pushes back if I say I'm going to leave her in bed now because I have to go and do something. Whereas if I say don't worry, I'll stay if you need me, sometimes she'll happily ask me to leave and go to sleep alone.

Kids who feel rejected can become more clingy, and that includes being told to go to sleep alone. It's really hard when you feel like it's a battle every night. I learnt to let go of the battle and help my dd feel secure and it's working much better for us.

@Sleepdeprive

He spends mon to Thur with a childminder 9-430 and Friday with me. He has a small light on outside his room and his door is left ajar Last night at one point during his tantrum he kept asking for his sister so I said no, but it’s like he’s just not listening he just keeps repeating it louder and louder. It’s like I can’t through to him when he is like that

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava I tried searching for that group on Facebook but nothing came up ?

What time does he get up and what time are you putting him to bed?

@JackieTheFart I think his cries/whines trigger me

@letsgotrilobite I couldn’t spend more quality time with him if I tried. He’s extremely clingy with me, always has being but more so when me and his dad split up. I’ve tried staying with him but the duration gets longer and longer so it’s not working.

@Fitforforty
His bedtime was 7pm but when he started messing I pushed it back to 730/745. He wakes up anytime after 7

Is his sister older than him and does he want to be out playing with her instead of in bed?

It's not controlled crying at 3.5, you need to instil some more structure. Look at rapid return or anything else you want to call it but at that age, quite frankly I'd ignore it.

@coffeeandjuice his sister is 9 so she is usually just on her phone, he wants her to give him a hug sometimes in the middle of the night. Which I say no she’s asleep so he will just keep saying it over and over again and getting more worked up

@idontlikealdi what kind of structure ?

You shut the door, and walk away. Let him scream. You come in at 5/10/15 and say ‘time to sleep.’ You don’t explain, you don’t engage in long conversation(or any conversation), you don’t negotiate. You pick him up, give him a hug and say good night and walk out. Rinse and repeat till he gets the message.
And repeat for as many nights as needed.

There's a section on this in "siblings without rivalry" on how to get your youngest child to sleep when they can see the elder is up... dunno if it might help? (It's a good book anyway!)

But 3 years of what your going through is tough! Hope you manage to sort it soon- good luck!!

These are things I have tried with varying degrees of success.

• putting him to bed, kiss and cuddle and leaving. Did not work
• sitting in his room, not talking, just quietly reading in the corner this works quite well,
• sitting next to him, singing (old school hymns ) this works really well
• giving him my t shirt to take to bed, so he can cuddle it and smell me, this works pretty well, you could try his sister giving him one of her t shirts or one of her teddies

I think he is going to bed far too early. I would try not putting him to bed until at least 8. Some 3 years needs as little as 10 hours sleep. Also try and increase his physical activity.

We had this similar with out youngest lady summer. The key is consistency, it may take one night to change or it may take 2 weeks but you have to keep going with it.

A pp said its not controlled crying its ignoring a tantrum! That is so true. He is having a tantrum, trying to get his own way.....wanting to wake his sister up etc.

Just put him back to bed every time he wakes, dont engage. A simple, no its time for bed is all you need to say. Unfortunately you've just got to keep going with it. There is no magic cure.

My 3yr old would kick off and not be tired enough to go to sleep at 7pm. We do bath at 7pm for both DC, into bedroom together by 7.45pm and I read till 8pm, sometimes 8.15 if its a good story. Lights out then I sit holding 3yr olds hand for 15 mins till she's asleep.

DCs share a room in bunkbeds, 3yr old on bottom and 7yr old on top). If 7yr old wants to keep reading she has her own lamp she can use which doesn't disturb 3yr old. 3yr old hates being alone and has slept so much better since we moved DC into same room. All screens are off at 6pm so they get 2 hours of no blue light etc before bed which helps them to wind down and sometimes we play a lot of running about games before bathtime to get their energy out

I was so so against sleep training with my first and we lay with him to get to sleep. Coslept aswell. It got to 2 hours lying in the dark. Couldn't even look at my phone or anything and I couldn't do it anymore. We decided to start leaving him for a little bit and he fell straight asleep. Of course we were disrupting him more and he needed the quiet dark room to be able to settle.

Could you try taking him out swimming/ for a big bath after tea. Outside the whole day running about and then try and settle him. I would definitely disagree that his bedtime is too late. Obviously you know your child the best but both of my children have required a lot more sleep than 10 hours. 4.5 year old still goes to bed at 6.30 after a busy day.

I don't think you should feel guilty about his sister getting up later. She probably wants some mum downtime. He needs to be in bed to let her have that.

@Sleepdeprive

Controlled crying as in I go in after 5 min, then 10, then 15 and so on. At my wits end, have tried everything and it’s having a detrimental affect on my already poor mental health now.

Has anyone had any success with this with over 3’s?

Surely at this age you will only be teaching DC that he needs to persist in screaming for longer and longer until you come in?

Does he get out of bed, or does he lie in bed screaming?

@VodkaSlimline he gets out of bed, if the gate is closed he stand at it screaming and hitting his door. If gate not closed he comes to find me.

He sleeps fine at his dad, bedtime is 7pm there. So I don’t believe he needs to go to bed later then 7pm.

So tonight I shall start the routine at 630 for story, hugs etc, aiming to put him in bed at 7. I have told him I am not staying in his room and that if he gets out of bed then the gate will get shut. I shall go in at 5, 10, 15 min intervals and lead him back to bed, kiss, say goodnight and walk out. I shall not deviate from this. I putting their to hold myself accountable.
Wish me luck! I’m sure I’ll be back on at 710 wanting to scream!

I wish you the best of luck. I'm about to start the same with my 2 and 3 year old. The eldest used to be great at bed, story, sleep but somehow after various illnesses it's turned into sleeping on the sofa with me and her hating to be on her own. The youngest has never been able to self settle no matter what I've tried and I'm wasting my nights trying to get them both down.

I hope it all goes ok!

Thanks @reachedtheendofmytether I’ve had a lot going on the last year with my marriage breakdown and it’s had a real negative affect on my mental health so I’ve just really let things slide for an easy life

How is he in other ways? You say he has an issue with his speech? I ask because my son (now 9) has autism and has never slept well. A lot of people with autism don’t, no one is really sure why. Even as a tiny baby he’d be awake 18 hours a lot of them screaming. If you do think it might be developmental related get a referral to a paediatrician as there are medications - melatonin etc- that can help.

Just do it! He's never going to remember when he's older. He will feel better during the day for a good nights sleep as will you. It'll take a few days - you'll probably feel a bit shit for doing it - but the benefits outweigh the negatives. Sometimes you have to do tough things because you know it will benefit them in the long run and that's what being a parent is. Good luck!

@Sleepdeprive - this isn't a sleep issue. So far you have described:

Possible developmental issue (speech!at least. Anything else?)
Marriage break down (and father moving out?)
Poor mental health
Presumably disruption to his usual routines during pandemic lockdowns?

You have all been through a hell of a time. Your boy is struggling. So are you.

I think it would really help to be open with your health visitor or find a local charity that works with families to support.

I think he needs more cuddles and connection at bed time not less. But this can't come from you if your run ragged.

Ideally you'd get help in real life (places like home start are amazing) but if not then really recommend the "how to talk so kids will listen" books. Changed my parenting life.

Take care

m.facebook.com/homestartuk/

[quote Griefmonster]@Sleepdeprive - this isn't a sleep issue. So far you have described:

Possible developmental issue (speech!at least. Anything else?)
Marriage break down (and father moving out?)
Poor mental health
Presumably disruption to his usual routines during pandemic lockdowns?

You have all been through a hell of a time. Your boy is struggling. So are you.

I think it would really help to be open with your health visitor or find a local charity that works with families to support.

I think he needs more cuddles and connection at bed time not less. But this can't come from you if your run ragged.

Ideally you'd get help in real life (places like home start are amazing) but if not then really recommend the "how to talk so kids will listen" books. Changed my parenting life.

Take care[/quote]
My thinking exactly.

Put him in bed at 7 and he’s immediately out, ended up letting him have another drink then another hug but now the gate is on and the timer is set. He’s just screaming “hug me mum”

5 mins in….
Just being in again. He got straight in bed, I covered him, hugged him then as I left he said stay with me so I said “night” then he dived up so I shut gate and said “gate is getting closed as your out of bed and he shouted he wanted a hug. I NEARLY started trying to reason with him but I ignored and came in my room

10 mins later…
Again asked me to stay after I put him in bed, refused, diving outta bed So Gate on again

10 mins later….
After ten mins I’ve being in again. He’s somehow hurt his head when banging his door so I hugged him. Kissed head and left. Immediately out of his bed shouting “stroke my head” so the timer is back on for another 10 mins

@Sleepdeprive

Put him in bed at 7 and he’s immediately out, ended up letting him have another drink then another hug but now the gate is on and the timer is set. He’s just screaming “hug me mum”

5 mins in….
Just being in again. He got straight in bed, I covered him, hugged him then as I left he said stay with me so I said “night” then he dived up so I shut gate and said “gate is getting closed as your out of bed and he shouted he wanted a hug. I NEARLY started trying to reason with him but I ignored and came in my room

10 mins later…
Again asked me to stay after I put him in bed, refused, diving outta bed So Gate on again

10 mins later….
After ten mins I’ve being in again. He’s somehow hurt his head when banging his door so I hugged him. Kissed head and left. Immediately out of his bed shouting “stroke my head” so the timer is back on for another 10 mins

You've got this. Just keep going