To really miss being young

[Octopus37]

Sorry for brain dump. Think I might be having a bit of a midlife crisis. I'm 46 and going through the change, have just started HRT and I'm finding the progesterone part quite difficult, really dont feel great. Know its eary days and I need to give it time.

I have to boys ages 14 and 11 and a DH who works shifts. TBH, although I' self-employed, I'm retraining (again from home) and we dont get enough time together. He is older than me, nearly 53. Just feel so sad that life's just one big job list with so little fun. I see friends from time to time which is great, but cannot help but feel I should be able to have more fun with my husband. We are going out in the day on our own for his Birthday in a few days, but its a rare thing. Our boys have only just got to the age where they're old enough to be left for a bit. Also we dont have a full sexual relationship anymore, he had some problems following bereavement and we've never really got past it, although we are working on it when we have the time and then guess what life gets in the way.

My oldest Son has just got a girlfirend, she's moving away soon which is a massive shame, will do what I can to help him see her travel permitting. I just miss being that age so muchand the carefree romance you could have then, I know being a teenager itsnt all a bed of roses and it certainly was't for me.

Life just feels like drudgery and waiting for bad things to happen. My Dad has just been diagnosed with a lung diseaase (actual diagnosis three years ago but we have only just found out). Our relationship has been difficult and despite staying with us for two five weeks, he has no relationship with his Grandsons, cause of bad history, basically him putting his partner first.

Just feel that there is nothing much to look forward to, other than the odd day out or evening out with one of my friends (have good friends I know I'm lucky) and just feel sad. I'm aware that its probably hormones and also aware that its probably wrong to moan about being middle aged when one of my friends didn't ake it past 48.

I try to make an effort with my appearance, but I've never been pretty, Stylish and funky yes but not pretty. I look after my skin, try and do my make up nicely, wear nice clothes etc. I've recently lost a small amount of weight (trust me every pound is a triumph cause I'm crap at loosing weight), probably due to adjusting to taking hormones, but I'm still a doughy size 10/12. Would be just lovely to know that there are some good times to come and laughs to be had, rather than just drudgery and difficult situations. Can anyone relate.

Can relate. I don’t know what the answer is. Try to enjoy doing things now rather than looking forward too far?

I love being older. I do not miss being young at all. I'm 56, post menopausal and size 18 (used to be a size 12). I've let my hair grow out white and had it chopped into a pixie cut.

And I don't care whether I look good or not. Other people's opinions are now pretty worthless to me. I am valued for my brain (finally) rather than my looks. Which is excellent, because my brain is and always was super smart and my looks were never anything much. It is such a relief not to have to be pretty and thin and worry about what people are thinking about me.

It's also pretty awesome to be able to say No thanks, I don't want to to activities I don't fancy. It's awesome to only have one teenager left at home and to have more time to myself. It's awesome to think we might finally - at some point in the future - afford to go abroad again. We have 5 kids and never managed a regular foreign holiday because we couldn't afford to. I do not care if I never see Centre Parcs again.

It's brilliant to find I quite like pottering around my garden or doing craft things. It's brilliant to find I still love my DH and enjoy his company.

I hated being a teenager. I was plain and insecure and jealous of the 'pretty' girls and the mean girls. I like being who I am now, and I'm enjoying this stage of my life.

@MadMadMadamMim thanks, your post has helped me get things in perspective. I need to remember that I wasn't a particularly happy teen, was bullied, had to deal with plenty of mean girls and did feel jealous of the pretty girls, have never quite got past that tbh.

You're also right about the saying no to things. Guess I need to focus more on me and my DH more. My Sister keeps telling me that I will like gardening in a few years, but at the moment it still feels like another chore. Would be lovely to get to the point of having time to pottering around a bit more and not always rushing with a to do list.

BTW Your hair sounds fantastic.

OP I could have written so much of your post a year or two ago. Really loved your reply @MadMadMadamMim - I feel like I'm hopefully heading now in your direction now.

When I went on HRT I felt really awful on the progesterone days - everything suddenly felt bleak and pointless. I changed HRT brand and was so much better. It was a different type and obviously suited me more. Might be worth checking with your doctor.

Thanks @Scrunchcake and @Dailywalk, only on the first month re the progesterone. Have a follow up call with the GP in a couple of weeks, so will talk to her about maybe switching brand. Guess the whole thing is work in progress.

Just feel so sad that life's just one big job list with so little fun.

OP, I totally relate! I think the years 45-50 are a long, relentless slog for a lot of people. It's when the world's hard work is heaved onto your shoulders. It was certainly my low point. Lost my DPs, got divorced, working too hard as mum and employee to properly do the housework and it all got away from me and became a stinking midden ... I think menopause was the least of my ills.

Don't ask me how I coped Fortunately I stopped that habit.

I take hope when I see women in their late 50s who have come through the menopausal brainfog and blahs, shed the excess weight and are back to their energetic selves. It's starting to happen to me and it will for you too. But yeah, meanwhile -- what a bloody slog.

Honestly, life does get better! I am doing well in my career; I've finally got a job I really enjoy doing and actually got the time to feel I can focus on doing it properly - without half my mind worrying about kids, house or chores that need doing. HRT worked very nicely for me - I'm still taking it and feeling cheerful and myself again after sweats, brain fog, panic attacks, low mood, etc.

Mortgage is not yet paid off - but should be in the next 5 years so that will be good. We're still tight financially - DH is retired without a pension and still just to young for State one, so we're living on my salary. However, at some point we might have a bit more spare cash and Covid has probably helped us realise we don't actually need much in life.

There are times that I hark nostalgically back to my youth - watching 80s brat pack movies, etc. And then I remember that I wasn't cool, wasn't edgy and admired by all. I was the ordinary and not very pretty girl who had a couple of good friends but spent a lot of time unhappily obsessing over a boy who didn't even know I existed. I only want to be young again if I can be someone else!

@MadMadMadamMim its good to know that thing improve, thanks

Could you book a round the world trip? Sounds like it's time to put yourself first and plan a big adventure!

I completely relate, I sometimes feel so sad that I’ll never be young and carefree again. In my dreams almost every night I’m young and lovely again. Last night I dreamt that me and Dh were planning on having another baby and it was so exciting! I don’t need a therapist to analyse those dreams do I?

My dc are 17 and 14. They really are the best kids in the world, never give me any stress and I love their company but I feel really sad that they don’t need me in the same way any more. I saw a mum and her little girl walking along the street a week or two ago. They were holding hands and a wave of sadness washed over me that I’d never hold my dd’s little hand again.

I don’t think I’m menopausal yet. I’m 47 and having completely regular periods. I do suffer from anxiety but this sadness is fairly new. Sad that the exciting parts of my life are over. Sad I’m not needed in the same way. Sad that my face looks like a deflated balloon! Speaking to friends it seems that these feelings are really common at our age. It’s reassuring to read @MadMadMadamMim say that things do get better.

Flowers and hugs for you.

I’m a similar age and I think this is a common feeling.
I wouldn’t want to be a teen again for reasons others have stated, but 20s will do nicely thanks.
Life just feels stagnant atm and Covid hasn’t helped. Anything that was gaining momentum at the start of 2020 has just stalled because of not being able to mix, so life is just quite dull.
I need to really stick a rocket up my arse to get motivated these days.

Just rushing out but am going to come back to this thread later. OP, I empathise with every word!

Yep I feel the same. Similar age, etc.

I think there’s a huge sense of boredom involved. I feel like I’ve done everything, been everywhere and don’t particularly want to go anywhere different, the children are past that “needing you” toddler stage (mine are 9 and 18) and life all just feels a bit shit.

I try and find enjoyment in the little things - gardening, walks, cake, chocolate, etc.

This comes in waves for me. Sometimes I’m filled with regret that I’ve wasted so much of my life on nonsense. I’m totally regretting allowing myself to get fat and unfit over lockdown when it’s so hard to undo that now that I’m in my late 50s.

I reckon it's a combination of your age and your children's ages.

By the time I was 46, both of my children were at university, and I was single, so I had the freedom to do and go wherever I wanted. Give it just a few years when your children are more independent (believe me, it will go in a blink). You'll love your rediscovered freedom.

I agree - stress from kids and demanding elders now... it’s all hassle and a long list of ‘things to do’ (for everyone else). No time for ‘me’. Not much to look forward to. Humph...

You always need something to look forward to, big or small. Plan a day out, or a meal out, now that restaurants are open again. Plan a big exciting holiday.

PS. wish I was size 10/12!

Things will get better again. It's a tough phase of life. Kids need you, parents start needing you, your knees start getting stiff, your body changes, you feel as though your own life is on hold or changing in ways you can't control. It can be all work and no play. It's all a bit shit. It really is a phase, I promise.

Covid has disrupted our social lives and staying in and doing chores has become our new, boring, norm. This is starting to change so make plans for a few days out or a weekend break, or a meal, or a few hours in a pub garden. Try something new. The lack of novelty has really hit me. I've always fancied canoeing and I've seen ads for half day hire in a local river, and going to book us one.

Gardening can be a chore. Make sure you take time to relax and enjoy the garden too, even if it means there's a few extra weeds. So what, call it a wildlife area. It feels like less of a chore when you stop doing it to make it look good/tidy, and start doing it for the pleasure of sitting in the sun, smelling flowers and listening to the buzz of bees.

I just feel generally jaded. It's hard to get genuinely excited. I remember when everything felt new and full of potential. The future was vast and not set. But they were also difficult times in other ways, as you recognise. I love having more confidence, not worrying about what people think, not being bullied, having a lovely home instead of a grim sink estate shit hole. I miss that time of having a big gang of friends to do crazy stuff with, but where are they all now? I have fewer but better friends.

You will never be as young as you are today. Embrace that, make the most of it. Don't waste time hankering after the past.

As far as I am concerned 46 is still young, I am 66 and realise there are things I want that I will never achieve now but I still don't want to waste a single day. You will miss your children being young, I do, but they are still your children when they are adults and still part of your life but the relationship is different.

I think there is a sort of settling period when you hit middle age. I also think it’s a little unnerving when you start to realise you will be the oldest generation soon. I became seriously ill just a couple of years older than you. I would honestly say having your health is everything and everything else what does it matter. You are very fixated on your looks. I’m a size 10, when I was young I was a size 6. A size 10 is still fine and yes I’m not as toned and with my health issues means it’s impossible to do hardcore exercise and I will never be quite the same again.

Enjoy your dc they will leave before you know it and you say you have a good relationship. Some people never achieve that. The actual menopause is a pain and the feelings side is not talked about enough. You will get through it.

I am 40 and I am finding it a relentless slog. Kids are 7 and 11 and I feel like every day is just 'what job next?'. Between work, school runs, kids clubs etc it's a a depressing rushed drudge.

Hoping it picks up. I had a dream last night that i was worried about being thirty and panicking about what I had achieved..woke up up panicked and then realised I was 40!!!

I dont know, trying to keep a sense of humour and believe life will calm down from the rush but also become more exciting.

You are young, you've a new chapter opening. I was expecting an OP much older.

‘You will never be as young as you are today.’ Reminds me if the saying ‘the best time to (plant a tree) is 20 years ago, the second best time it today’ (I think that’s how it goes, but you get the gist).

I’m feeling old and ached and harassed now. Life is definitely taking more than it’s giving and it’s bloody depressing. I look at DS and think ‘if I was that age knowing what I know now...’ and I’m excited for him and all that lays ahead for him (he’s 16).

Your children are still young and need you, especially the 11 year old. Mine have fled the nest now and I am home alone and single, I would give anything to go go back in time to your mundane family life.
Tbh I enjoyed my teenage years, never thought about competative prettiness, although I do think that 'youth is lost on the young'. Looking back at myself in photos I wish I realised that I actually looked pretty good.
I am now stuck in a rut and just turned 60, covid has turned my small world even smaller.
My son invited me to visit him in London for the weekend and I decided to take up the invite. I had a wonderful time and it has spurred me on to be more pro active with my life. Tonight I am going to stay over with a friend which I always put off because I could not find the motivation.
Try and make more time for you and your dh, plan something once a month. Try and get out for a walk together

Looking back at myself in photos I wish I realised that I actually looked pretty good.
This is so true. I found a picture of myself in my early 40s a while ago, I thought 'Wow! Why didn't I know at the time I looked that good?' Maybe in 20 years' time I'll look at photos taken now and think I looked good.