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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What the hell do I do about this bullying?

31 replies

Notagoodtime · 23/06/2021 17:16

Ds is 14 and goes to an all boys grammar school. He is a sweet and sensitive lad and doesn’t understand why people would want to fight. He admitted to me on Friday that a group of lads decided to rough him up after school. He went to the toilet afterwards and admitted he sobbed and sobbed. He has gone to school today and the same lad ( who used to be his friend) started pushing him around and threw a punch at his face. My son reacted and punched him back. The boys friends joined in and then they pushed him to the school and kicked him. I’m pleased he can tell me but he said it didn’t upset him today and that he can handle it. I want to speak to the school but he said it will make things worse and he said he will never tell me anything again. What the hell do I do? I’m so cross with the school that they don’t seem to notice fights happening during school time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notagoodtime · 23/06/2021 17:44

Anyone?

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2021 17:47

I definitely wouldn't send him in tomorrow, speak to the school and assuming you know the other parents if they were previously friends I'd speak to them too.
I hope he's okay.

Scautish · 23/06/2021 17:49

I have a son who sounds like yours and I fear he will be in this position one day. I think you do need to speak to school. They should have an anti-bullying policy in place which should mean they can tackle the issue with discretion.

I’m so sorry you are going through this - I was bullied myself (not physically) and it’s horrible.

Totallyrandomname · 23/06/2021 17:49

Wow this is so difficult. Usually you’d want to tell the school wouldn’t you.

Could you agree with him maybe to see how it goes for a set period of time before contacting the school? Wait and see if it resolves itself or not.

Then you can talk him you’ve given it time and as it hasn’t resolved you need to take control and get it sorted.

This is obviously so long as you don’t think he is at immediate risk.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2021 17:49

If you decide to not speak to the school, do contact the parents I'd like to know if it was my DC bullying.

Totallyrandomname · 23/06/2021 17:51

Can you ask him how he’s feels about his safety or if he thinks things will flare up again? Or does he think it’ll settle now the fights happened?

BarbarianMum · 23/06/2021 17:51

You have to speak to the school OP. You cant just pretend it's not happening and neither can he.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/06/2021 17:54

When my teen got attacked at school he didn't return until they could guarantee his safety and I rang the police who visited the boy at home and gave him a warning as was his first offence. School suspended him for 3 days. My son said not to but no way was I letting the boy get away with it.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/06/2021 17:55

And I got straight on the phone to the boys mum

Feelinghothothottoday · 23/06/2021 17:55

My friend’s son was beaten up in the Park on the way home from school by school kids. She called the police. It’s assault. If it was me or you we would call the police. The police spoke to my friend’s son and the other boys with their parents. The police were fantastic and said to call them again if it happens. The school was not interested.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/06/2021 17:55

Bloody kids are friends now 🙈

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/06/2021 18:09

Call the school and the police.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/06/2021 18:12

I don't think you should call the parents. Its an issue for the school. What is their bullying policy?
Does your son have a form tutor that you could have a quiet word with.
You need to let the school know what has happened, it is assault and in case it gets worse and you need to ask the school what they can do about it. but your son has asked you not to report and so ask them to handle it with discretion and keep an eye out for further abuse.
Unfortunately they may use the excuse that the incident happened after school But you can insist that they monitor the situation during the school day and explore ways that your son can exit the school and get home safely.
Does your son know why this boy who used to be his friend is behaving like this? Could you have another chat with him? I think its very difficult not sound cross when asking about what's happened but its essential to keep very calm so that he feels he can confide in you.
There are several children's charities online which have advice about how to deal with these situations. I hope he manages to resolve it.

whittingtonmum · 23/06/2021 18:18

I would send an email to the school so you have a paper trail and ask for an urgent call to discuss the matter. You can withhold the names of the perpetrators until you are confident the school will take the right measures to protect your son. You don't need to tell your son you have reported it - there could have been witnesses who reported it. But you could also tell him that this is a serious personal safety matter and needs reporting so not an option to keep silent about it. If the school does not take it seriously call the police. What I have learned about bullying with my two kids coming to the end of primary school is that it achieves nothing absolutely nothing to keep silent. In fact it makes it worse. Speak to the school - not the other parents - and keep raising it if it keeps occuring including paper trail.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 23/06/2021 18:23

What would you do if this happened to you in a supermarket for example? Would you just let a group of people punch and kick you?

Go to the police.

A 14 yr old boy can be 6 foot tall and a punch or kick from them could cause severe injury or death. This needs to be sorted out ASAP.

motogogo · 23/06/2021 18:26

Call school. He's still a child, there's no place for bullying in school

MissyB1 · 23/06/2021 18:39

I work in a school, you have to tell them. Please ring and ask to speak to his head of year. You will need to name names. Read up on their anti bullying policy first. Be very very serious with the school and make it clear they have to keep your ds safe.

Do not try to ignore this and hope it goes away - believe me it won't.

Eeerrrr · 23/06/2021 19:01

Take action as follows:

Report the boys to the police
Tell the school
Send your son to karate lessons so he gains some physical self confidence
Tell your son bullies only back down when there are consequences - hence actions 1 and 2. Doing nothing will simply make matters much worse for him.

Cismyfatarse · 23/06/2021 19:04

If you don't report it to school it could be seen as neglecting your duty of care. He does not know what is best for him and needs to be protected.

You MUST call them urgently.

Youdoyoutoday · 23/06/2021 19:08

Boxing lessons!!

And I do think you need to speak to the school but say they mustn't let on, I'm really sorry your son is going through this though as it is shit!

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2021 19:28

They'd crap their pants if they thought the police could be called. I agree with pp bullying is a cowards game they're terrified of repercussions and consequences.
His ex friend is a creep I'd be very annoyed.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/06/2021 19:30

And I do think you need to speak to the school but say they mustn't let on.
Me too. I have had a few issues and like your DC, DD would beg me not to cause trouble, nothing as violent as your poor DC.
Teachers have kept an eye.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 23/06/2021 19:35

Please speak to school - I deal with incidents like this (far too) regularly. There are many, many ways to investigate and deal with it without any student knowing that a parent has called in or a child has 'grassed'...

I would definitely be questioning why staff aren't aware that fights have happened too... most experienced staff within a school can sniff them from a mile off, and usually have already anticipated that there is something brewing so will be watching like a hawk.

If you can give as much information (when/where in school/who) as possible to Head of Year/Pastoral lead whoever is responsible for day to day pastoral care then they can deal with it. And even he need never know that it was you that made the call.

BrilliantBetty · 23/06/2021 19:43

Boxing lessons!!

Yes was also going to suggest some sort of self defence/ martial art.

I can see why you'd be questioning going to the school or not. I would be too. Since he's asked you not to, and losing his confidence could be quite detrimental.
Honestly I have no idea what I'd do in your situation.

It also sounds like he is learning to stand his ground, which of course he shouldn't have to, but a bit of confidence in that respect might not be such a bad thing. Going through a Boy's school must be tough.

FightingFiles · 23/06/2021 19:46

You have to tell the school, awful as he will find it. You're the parent, and they have to know to be able to protect him, stop this and keep him safe.

He doesn't want you to as he thinks it will make it worse, but realistically, can it get worse?

I'm really sorry he's going through this, but your fury and the schools support will make the difference in how he deals with this forever. It's not his fault, he has a lot of people that love him, care for him and won't let this happen to him. Fight his corner, please.

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