I am not a personal chef!

[prettymushrooms]

Back story
I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping.
DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

Yep - see the thing is i am MORE than happy to look after DSS that is totally not the issue, i knew he had a child when i met him and to be fair to DH he doesn't just "expect" me to look after him when hes working late, he will always ring me and say im stuck, could you please help me out and collect DSS, or could you please help me out could you put his uniform on to wash.

Half the time he will drop whatever he's doing and come back home to be there for DSS but there have been times he can't get back so I've more than happily been there for when DSS arrives.

It's literally just the flakiness of him turning up whenever he feels like it without notice and expecting to be fed.
As i already mentioned we have a tiny kitchen which equals tiny freezer so as much as I'd like to have a freezer full of pizzas and ready meals, it just isn't practical. I only have 2 freezer drawers which have to accommodate vegetables, meats, bread, a tub of icecream and one or two things for DSS that he isnt allergic to that can be cooked at short notice.

I think if DSS turned up and I told him to cook for himself i think he would have a full on meltdown...

Completely agree with making up and freezing a batch of maybe two different meals and rotating them when he shows up hungry. Maybe a couple of pizzas in the freezer too.
He may get fed up of the two options/pizza and it’s when he asks if there’s anything else that you have the gentle conversation about giving sufficient notice. He’s only 15 and I’m sure you want him to feel welcome so I think being gentle is ok.

I was a child who often didn’t know which parents house I’d be at due to my mother being... unhelpful. I would continue to tread carefully about the late notice because he might feel rejected and just stay home alone if he thinks you’ll be cross with lack of notice.

However, I think you are making a rod here. If you have notice make him some of your food. If he doesn’t eat it , use it for lunches the next day or freeze it or whatever. Have some pizzas in for when he turns up last minute and you don’t have anything. When he asks about pizza show him how to turn the oven on and tell him to set his phone timer so he doesn’t wonder off and abstain. You might need to do it more than once but he’ll be trained soon enough.

My son is 16 and does this quite often, it's the joys of teenagers I'm afraid. You could buy some reqdy meals that can go in micro or oven last minute!

sorry i thought i'd mentioned that, he's 15 so not a little kid! he can't cook because he doesn't know how I have tried involving him in cooking before but he's not interested he'd rather go watch TV

Yes well I would cheerfully have put my feet up with the TV instead of another round of family catering but life isn't like that and at 15 he should be able to operate an oven and cook at least basic meals.

If he were your DS you could force that point, as a DSS its trickier - you do have a DH problem and he needs to step up and parent just like single mothers working long hours need to.

In the mean time you could batch cook some stuff for the freezer if you are concerned about his diet, or just let him get on with the KFC and DH needs to sort it out. Is his other parent more involved in his life or do both parents parcel out the responsibilities to a step parent?

Sorry cross posted - I just see you’re saying you only have a small freezer!! Bit trickier then….

Definitely some food in the freezer for him, that can be cooked from frozen. My DD (22) and her Partner usually eat at his on Sunday nights, but very occasionally I'll get a text saying they'll be eating with us. I have Kiev's, burgers and chips in the freezer reserved for such an occasion.

Gosh I made so so many typos in that.

Yeah, at 15 I’d just get some ready meals plus bulk fillers (garlic bread/chips) in the freezer, then show him how to use the oven. Or microwave meals.

Easy

Stop being a martyr, it’s the kind of shit women are expected to do all the time

If he’s sad at having microwave meal whilst you are having a lovely dinner, DH can swap with him 😈 or he can tell you in advance

You’re too kind and it’s backfiring on you

he can't cook because he doesn't know how I have tried involving him in cooking before but he's not interested he'd rather go watch TV

Ah this is just daft. He's 15?!!

So you are a Minister Without Portfolio. You have all the responsibility of childcare, but none of the clout.
THIS is what you talk to DH about.

Nobody has taught the lad to cook yet & it's vital life skill he's way overdue in learning. At the very least, DH gets him to agree to learn (preferably from dad, but as it will ultimately benefit you, you may as well step in, as I somehow doubt DH will ...)
DH can at very least explain that it is rude of DSS to "prefer to watch TV" instead of help you by learning how to fend for himself when you have asked for notice but not received it.

If DH can't or won't even do that for you, you have a bigger problem than inconvenient meal plans.

Ah, small freezer? Would it fit 1 or 2 microwave meals though?

Failing that, gray bentis pies, tins of beans or spaghetti hoops or soup will have to do

@Triffid1

SOOOO many things going on here:

1. saying your'e going to be home for dinner then, in fact, not being home is, IMO, 100% unacceptable and extremely rude. This needs to be nipped in the bud otherwise he will be that (male) adult who is invited to a dinner party, doesn't turn up until 2 hours later, and then doesn't get invited again.

1. The short notice thing is his problem, not yours. Agree with others - you do not need to prepare him a "proper" meal if he hasn't alerted you to the fact that he'll be home. Basic ready meal in oven, eggs/beans on toast etc.

1. He needs to learn the bare minimum of operating in a kitchen - how to turn on oven, use microwave etc. Because he can then, at the very least, prepare his own jacket potato with beans or egg and bacon. Your Dh needs to support you on this because as a parent, sending a teenager out without even the most basic of skills means he has failed.

I agree up to the point that DH needs to support OP on this.

No, DH needs to lead on this.

There are ready meals that go in the fridge but still last a few days. Get those in once or twice a week. And one frozen pizza in freezer. Done

Someone needs to teach that child to cook FGS - never mind him watching TV whilst you are his personal slave. Make him cook for himself and stand there giving him instructions whilst he learns. I was chatting to a neighbour the other day and she said she'd better go and cook dinner. Her 13yo piped up "I'll cook tonight". It is normal for teenagers to be unpredictable about food and inconsiderate and to claim not to be able to do stuff so someone else does it for them but he is being let down by his parents failing to teach him life skills. Your way out here is to teach him to cook for himself.

Just get some frozen Pizzas or fish that kind of thing.Whatever he likes . I think hes having you on about the oven though! Honestly a 15 year old unable to switch oven on? Just say here ,oven on now and he can put in whatever .Give him the timer /his own phone and meal ready in 25 mins or whatever.

I think if DSS turned up and I told him to cook for himself i think he would have a full on meltdown...

Then let him have a full on meltdown, what's the problem?

What if you threatened to have a full on meltdown whenever he or his dad expects you to cook?

You wouldn't would you? No, because you're capable of making simple meals - which is exactly what this 15 year old's parents should be making him capable of.

Why haven't they? Because you see it as your problem. Why is that? Because both his parents have made it your problem.

This needs to stop right now.

I think the going to KFC is normal. The crying is not.

Your DH needs to teach him how to do a fry up at the weekend. Baked beans count as a veg portion. It's quick and filling. My DS's go to is a tin of tuna or mackerel in sauce & a pouch of microwave rice/grains, on a good day he'll add a cucumber & tomato on the side. Super fast and fairly nutritious. Neither of those options take up freezer space.

DH doesn't know how to use the internet (yes i know you probably are thinking BS in this day in age but he doesn't even have a smart phone!) so anything he needs for school or a new phone charger or just anything he needs I am generally the one that will order it online for him.

Your DH needs to learn to use the internet because he is a grown up and a parent.

If he insists on not learning, he'll have to take time off work to provide for his son's needs.

Stop enabling his shit parenting OP.

All of this, bells on. Your DSS is a bit hopeless and overindulged, but he's young and it's not really his fault (annoying though it must be!)

Your DH needs a proper kick up the arse. Be very clear with him that he must sort this out.

As i already mentioned we have a tiny kitchen which equals tiny freezer so as much as I'd like to have a freezer full of pizzas and ready meals, it just isn't practical.

Okay, so just keep a load of tins of food in, and he can eat those - you can even store them in a spare room if space is an issue.

Things like baked beans, tinned soup, spaghetti hoops, tinned stews, pot noodles etc. - there's plenty there that he can heat up in a microwave or just add boiling water to.

Freezer food is your answer. Freeze some home made things and ready made things. Don't stress if he doesn't eat. You are trying way too hard

What kind of things are you cooking op for him op- what are his allergies? And what do you normally eat?

I was unreliable at eating at being home from 16 and got worse as I got older going to the pub or out for tea, eating at work pt job. So we had frozen pizzas, pot noodles, nuggets, bags off stir fry. Oven chips pizzas, ready meals. Beans on toast, pasta n sauce. We had. A family cooked dinner maybe one a week that we all were there for.

Take him to shops one day and stock up on this kind of food.

As you have said your freezer is tiny. So none freezer ideas -pasta pesto, any 8 year old can boil pasta, drain it and add pesto. Same with pasta and a jar of sauce, might not taste amazing but it is a meal. We always have chicken or ham in the fridge so if you do he can add some protein in to it.

Soups, microwave rice, instant noodles/straight to wok/pot noodle style food It does not have to be gourmet food and as he happily eats KFC then this is what is on offer if he doesn't give you advance notice.

He needs to learn to cook, it is a life skill. My sons do not get a choice to leave the kitchen and watch tv. It is rude to allow someone to cook for you and then eat before you arrive and to let someone know if you will be coming for dinner, it is just good manners. Maybe if he had to be in the kitchen whilst you cooked he would understand how much effort it takes.

Also we have a rule in our house that no one leaves the kitchen after dinner until everything is cleared, hand washed if needed or loaded into the dishwasher, sides and table wiped down. No one sits until it is done. Everyone is involved with doing something.

@AnneLovesGilbert all this!

Neither him or your husband are feeling the implications of their actions. I would take a major step back and let them puzzle it out. Instead of you having to swoop in and having to act like you work in a restaurant.

You DSS needs to improve his life skills. Don’t get me wrong at his age l wasn’t busting out cordon bleu meals. But l could do noodles, pasta, pizza, toasted sandwiches etc

For the love of God can people stop saying keep things in the freezer! Read what the OP says properly.

I think if DSS turned up and I told him to cook for himself i think he would have a full on meltdown

Now that is completely not on, no matter how neglectful his parents are. What's he going to do when he leaves home? Cry until someone puts food in front of him?

Cheese, beans or eggs on toast or pasta and jar sauce is not difficult or time consuming and should not be a big ask for a hungry 15 YO to prepare himself when he's either turning up unexpectedly wanting to be fed, or refusing food at short notice because he's eaten elsewhere.

I'm starting to change my mind about feeling sorry for him. I'd be telling him to sort himself out, get a takeaway or starve.