I am not a personal chef!

[prettymushrooms]

Back story
I WFH i am the main cook and I do the shopping.
DH self employed works very very long hours - sometimes depending on how big the job won't get home until 10pm.

There is no set arrangement when DSS will come to us, as he's old enough now to make his own arrangements he will just ring up last minute "Im on my way home" and that's the only notice we get. Sometimes if I'm lucky I'll get 24 hours notice. We can't refuse him because his mum sometimes doesn't come home at night, (don't ask - whole other thread needed for that!) so DH isn't happy with him being in the house on his own overnight as he gets scared very easily.

Because of this casual arrangement I have no idea how many people i'm cooking for, DSS has a large appetite so not like I can just give him a bit of mine and a bit of DH's - he would need a big portion. It isn't always things that can be frozen either and I'm reluctant to keep making extra portions on the off chance DSS will want to eat.

He also has allergies (not life threatening, just makes him itchy) so when he does come here if i haven't cooked something he isn't allergic to I then have to cook a whole different meal for him

Sometimes hes already had food when he comes here and isn't hungry, other times hes had food and still wants more when he gets to us, other times he hasn't had anything and I won't know until the last minute - we have our evening meal around 8pm on the nights that DH gets home at a reasonable hour so if DSS eats at 5pm after school he will want another meal at 8pm or depending how big the meal was he might not want much just something small.

DSS cannot cook for himself and in any case our kitchen is really really tiny so 2 people in the kitchen cooking at the same time would not work so it's always left up to me to sort. If he is at his mums he just orders takeway.

Three nights ago he had told us the day before he was coming to us and would be having food with us - great - i can then plan.
So i cooked enough for all three of us, ensured it wasn't anything DSS was allergic to, then he rocked up as i was plating up and casually said oh yeah i'm not hungry I had KFC with my mates half an hour ago...

DH doesn't think its a big deal and just says its fine, ill just eat his portion but its really not the point IMO! I think it's really disrespectful towards me as I'm the one worrying about what to buy, what to cook, having something quick in the freezer that i can just throw in the oven if he turns up.
DH doesn't worry because he doesn't have to plan, cook, go shopping and thinks i'm massively over reacting about something so petty.

AIBU to insist either he eats with us or he eats at his mums and to let me know which one within plenty of time??
He's a very sensitive soul so bringing this up usually leads to floods of tears that its not his fault he was hungry so he already ate etc - of course i'm not saying he shouldn't eat if he's hungry but to at least let me know??

This is nuts. I couldn't live like that. Your DH relies on you to use the internet and his 15 year old son can't even feed himself? Do you think they might be having you on? Who would do all this if you weren't there?

Exactly, @CanofCant.

• if OP took herself off, DSS could teach DH the wonders of modern electronic life, while DH finally teaches DSS a basic survival skill.

In short, they'd cope.
Right now, they are colluding to ensure they don't have to, because OP must, or else she is "spiteful." [facepalm]

I get that its annoying. DS17 follows a fairly strict high protein diet (he's into weight lifting), I eat low carb, DD6 has autism so is extremely picky and has a very limited diet, and DH won't eat after 6pm (he snores) but works sometimes until 11pm. So our meals are really all over the place. Plus DS regularly eats out with his girlfriend and sometimes its unplanned so I might've already cooked by the time he lets me know.

I just cook meals that suit the majority and anyone who isn't happy can get something for themselves! DS and DH are well able to get their own. If there are leftovers because someone doesn't eat we just have them the next day.

Tbh your situation doesn't really sound that bad! If I were you I'd always cook enough for 3 or 4 and if DSS doesn't turn up you have leftovers for lunch next day. Or freeze the leftovers.

You know what, next time dss turns up wo notice and likes the look of food, just say
‘Oh of course, your dad will sort it sort it out’
And carry on eating your meal.

HE needs to speak to his ds
HE needs to recognise the work involved

I also think there is a need to reconsider the arrangement and see if he shouldn’t just be living with you two and visits to his mum instead tbh.

Cook up a few batches of food he likes and freeze it in portions so you will always have something on standby. You can ask him if he's hungry before you pop it in the microwave to defrost.

I can see this is frustrating, but it's manageable

I do have one or two things he can eat if he does turn up unexpected but then i get the sad "oh i really like the look of what you and dad are having" and then i sound spiteful by saying tough, you should have let me know.

Bollocks to that. OP you need to tell DH to sort this out. In the mean time tearful DSS and DH have two options when this happens - DH can hand over his own portion and sort out something else or DSS can order a takeaway. You really need to thicken your skin a bit because DSS and both his parents are taking you for a ride.

@diamondpony80

I get that its annoying. DS17 follows a fairly strict high protein diet (he's into weight lifting), I eat low carb, DD6 has autism so is extremely picky and has a very limited diet, and DH won't eat after 6pm (he snores) but works sometimes until 11pm. So our meals are really all over the place. Plus DS regularly eats out with his girlfriend and sometimes its unplanned so I might've already cooked by the time he lets me know.

I just cook meals that suit the majority and anyone who isn't happy can get something for themselves! DS and DH are well able to get their own. If there are leftovers because someone doesn't eat we just have them the next day.

Tbh your situation doesn't really sound that bad! If I were you I'd always cook enough for 3 or 4 and if DSS doesn't turn up you have leftovers for lunch next day. Or freeze the leftovers.

That arrangement would drive me potty.

I menu plan and buy groceries according to the menu.
I would end up with lost of stuff going off and being uneaten.
And that’s with a huge freezer in the garage where I can keep single portions that were u eaten (if ok to freeze. Some meals just don’t work well if you do that)

He’s 15?!! Good grief. My 12yo DS can throw together a spag Bol or a lentil soup. His parents need to teach him to cook a few basic recipes. That is not your job. Stick a couple of pizzas in the freezer. Can he not even cook himself beans on toast?

I think do big pots of things (chilli, spa bol, curry etc.) that you can freeze if he doesn't show up (or feed him with the stuff you froze previously).

Another option is just give him some freezer food (sausages, burgers etc.). Just quick and easy.

If DSS likes the look of what you're having Thai is the perfect time to say you'd have made him a portion if you'd known he was coming! I can see why you'd feel mean but you aren't because you aren't psychic. I guess the nicest thing to do is just always make an extra portion, but is this where space becomes a problem if he doesn't eat it?

Have you tried sending a text or email once a week saying that you're doing the weekly shop. When does he plan to be over for dinner and is there anything he fancies. Then his dad could also follow up with texts / a phone call saying we're looking forward to seeing you for dinner tomorrow/tonight, sm is preparing dinner for 8pm. May get the message across in a friendly way and help him to inform you. I know it doesn't help much with when the mother goes off.

He needs to either give you proper notice, or cook himself. He's old enough to learn that lesson, and it's basic courtesy to give plenty of notice if you're planning to join a meal.

The KFC thing is extremely rude (and I'd tell him so, robustly), but his portion can just go in the freezer to be eaten another day, surely?

@WorraLiberty that’s how most “sensitive” people operate from my experience….

YANBU but as usual in these cases you have a DH problem.
He's doing his son no favours for pandering to this flaky behaviour and for not trying to ensure that the boy can become a self-sufficient adult!

At 15, he should be able to, at the VERY least, operate a microwave and a kettle, and hobs are not that difficult.
You have little space for frozen foods, I get that - but what about tins, packets etc.? Pasta - even if he's gluten intolerant, there are plenty of GF pasta options these days. Get some in, and teach him how to boil a kettle and cook pasta. Jar of sauce - job done.

I've no patience with "helpless" males, or helpless teens of any kind to be honest - they've got to learn to grow up one day, or they'll be fecking useless adults! 15 is far too late for him to still be this ignorant.

As to him making puppy eyes at your food - it's NOT spiteful to say "well if you'd only let us know in time, you could have had some too" - it's a lesson he needs to learn!
And it was thoroughly disrespectful of him to have made you think that he was coming for food, then changed his mind and had KFC on the way. Rude! Does the boy have his own phone? Work of a second to text and say "having KFC with mates, no need to worry about dinner for me".

He's being let off far too easily and far too much - it's not good for HIM in the long run, to be pandered too like this.

Id just get in a couple of frozen ready meals. If he won't or can't eat these not your problem.

The DSS sounds as though he's cast himself in the role of victim, and is therefore entitles to have a pity party for himself whenever he feels like it.

Whichever way you choose OP, do something to deal with this. I get the sense that this debate with yourself about what to cook and how much is a nightly occurrence, and that's no way to live.

Assuming you have bread in most of the time, a few tins of beans and sausage or those all day breakfasts in tins, and either that's what he gets, or if he does the puppy dog eyes remove DH's plate and put it in front of DSS, and tell DH there's beans on toast if he's hungry.

You’re babying him. Tell him if he wants to eat with you then he needs to let you know the day before. If he doesn’t do that then he will have whatever is on the cupboard.

It is really not good that he can’t prepare himself a very simple meal at 15 years of age, your DH really needs to teach him some basic life skills.

Quite honestly it sounds as if his parents are somehow managing to both neglect him AND coddle him at the same time which is why he is the way he is

A 15 year old that cannot cook even a basic meal assuming no learning issues is ludicrous and again his parents are at fault here.

Dd has been cooking since she was about 10, started with basics and then as she got older more complex techniques/dishes - that is normal and healthy IMO - she is 20 Now and still hates tackling a roast as she gets flustered with the timings but she'll get there eventually

Regarding his being sensitive and you having to tiptoe on eggshells around him...I'd have nipped that nonsense in the bud early doors.
Being able to accept the word no and take constructive criticism ALSO a crucial life skill

They are doing him zero favours in diet and in life!

nope, he honestly does not know how to use an oven

Yep I suspected it was this bad

One or both parents need to step up and actually RAISE this child!

You can't do anything re mum but you can certainly address it with dad.

Not just from a perspective of the disrespect towards you and your Labour but also because this child needs parenting!

How on earth are they expecting he's going to cope when he leaves school in a few years?!

This is utterly bonkers!

Not to mention if he's living on takeaways and fast food while at mums and then as per suggestions getting frozen/ready meals at yours his diet will be so unhealthy the poor kid will end up ill!

I'm seeing this time and time again on Mumsnet. If you have dependent children, you can only afford to work massively long hours if you have a mug someone to step in and take care of them for you during your long absences

Yep! It's a choice to regularly work such long hours and if you have kids you have to take them into consideration too - is this why ex left him? Although they each sound as bad as the other!

I say all leftovers caused by this fed to dh - however unappealing!

Pp is right, while it's not inconveniencing him he will continue not to care it is inconveniencing you - although tbh that doesn't say much for him and your relationship if he is dismissing you like this

Then it only takes 10 mins to do...

For OP TO DO that's still unfair! That's still taking up ops time and effort because the parents and 15 year old lad here are all too lazy/incompetent/uncaring as to sort this

DH doesn't know how to use the internet

Parents raised their children to be independent adults MILLENNIA before the internet was around!

But frankly it's time dh learnt too!

Why are you being such a complete doormat for these people who clearly don't even appreciate it?!

Lastly - I wouldn't be big on eating fast food like KFC if I had a food allergy. Is he sure that what he selected from the menu is ok to eat with his allergy?

I'm sceptical about the allergies, have they actually been tested for and dx by reputable sources?

Stop enabling his shit parenting OP

Exactly!

Yep - see the thing is i am MORE than happy to look after DSS that is totally not the issue, i knew he had a child when i met him and to be fair to DH he doesn't just "expect" me to look after him when hes working late, he will always ring me and say im stuck, could you please help me out and collect DSS, or could you please help me out could you put his uniform on to wash.

No dh is making a PRETENCE at being appreciative and not expecting - what would happen if you said no?

As for laundry - again at 15 he should be more than capable of sorting this himself. My dd was doing her own laundry from start of high school (following an argument when I washed the "wrong" jumper which was one of a 2 pack and she wanted the other from the same pack which as far as I was concerned was exactly the same! So I showed her how to do laundry and she did her own from that point on albeit occasionally asking me to wash a specific thing eg if school sprung a "yellow jumper" day on us) she liked having the independence to decide what she wanted to wear on which days - this becomes especially important to them in teen years - and she also learned to be more careful with spillages when she learned how damning bear impossible it is to get ketchup stains out!

It utterly bewilders me how many parents - especially of boys I've noticed - let them get to mid/late teens completely incapable of doing basic chores required to live independently!

I've said before (boring myself almost at this point) when I went uni 2nd time I was shocked that easily around 1/3 of the intake probably a bit more, mainly but not only the youngest ones, arrived at uni not knowing how to budget, shop, cook, do laundry, clean etc and these were mostly kids from stable, well off backgrounds! What are their parents thinking?!

I had a brief phase of dd being out and about with friends and eating out more often, the rule was dinner was getting started around 6/6.30, if she wasn't going to be eating at home she needed to let me know by 5.30 at latest and if she said she was eating out/at a friends then she couldn't expect me to cook for her if those plans changed after 5.30. If she came home to eat she cooked (and cleaned up) herself. I also had her always eat at home on a Sunday, encouraged her to make sensible dietary choices when out (she has a disability and eating well makes a difference, but actually the conditions and it's affect on her meant she tended to healthier choices anyway as she doesn't like deep fried or greasy food anyway as a result) and there was always fruit and snackable veggies (carrot sticks, peppers that could be cut into sticks, cherry tomatoes etc) in the house which I also encouraged her to have.

I too have a small kitchen and small freezer op it makes things very tricky!

Tinned meals can be an OCCASIONAL option (not ideal healthwise but ok sometimes) tinned Bolognese, ravioli, curry, chilli... what is super easy to make and he can definitely do himself as it only really involves boiling a kettle - Cous Cous! Goes fine with chilli, curry, stews etc or as a base for a filling salad (no cooking with salad) he is certainly capable of wielding a paring knife! Make up Cous Cous while it's "cooking" dice up mushrooms, peppers, tomatoes, cucumber add some diced cooked chicken or even sandwich slices of ham/chicken torn and mixed in, add a dressing of some kind - Job done!

You have all the responsibility of childcare, but none of the clout.
THIS is what you talk to DH about

Totally agree!

I'm almost afraid to ask...can dh cook? How did he manage between leaving ex and you being on the scene? (I would not be at all surprised if the answer was "ran home to mummy who wiped his and his sons arses for them")

Any of the solutions - fridge or frozen meals, salad ingredients etc if dss doesn't eat them dh has to - about time he was inconvenienced on this!

its easier not to bother coming over and then DH and DSS relationship will be strained

Not
Your
Problem

And certainly wouldn't be your fault!

Give DH’s portion to DS and give DH the backup pizza/nuggets

Yep! I'd do that!

Talk directly to him and just say you need more notice so you ensure there's enough for him. This conversation doesn't need to go through your partner.

Is there some back story to why your ADULT husband who runs his own business is unable to work the internet? Is he 80?

You need to stop enabling their ineptitude
DSs if you want nice dinner, text ME by X time. Otherwise you get freezer pizza or have to help me make extra. Stick to it

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why the fuck is a 15 year old, who’s capable of buying himself KFC, crying at being asked for a tiny bit of consideration to others?

That’s either really pathetic or extremely concerning.

Why are you ordering him everything he needs? He’s being treated like a toddler. How much parenting does his dad actually do? And at 15 why can’t he be at home by himself for a bit? At 15 I was regularly looking after 3 younger siblings and being paid good money to babysit babies and toddlers.

You sound a bit upset. Are you okay?

Hmm, it’s a tough one but you do need to suck it up a bit. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill here. Go with the flow, don’t be the one who complains about cooking at the last minute, make him feel welcome, it must be hard enough for him as it is. Will this matter in a year? Five? Ten? No, it won’t, so be nice, be kind and just be accommodating

What a long winded way to say “be a mug”

Can he use a Microwave, get a stash of meals, put in freezer, bobs your uncle.

I do have one or two things he can eat if he does turn up unexpected but then i get the sad "oh i really like the look of what you and dad are having" and then i sound spiteful by saying tough, you should have let me know.

How on earth does that make you sound spiteful? All you have to say is, -oh I would have been happy to make you some if I had known you were having dinner. Make sure you give me some warning next time. Anyway there's a Pizza in the freezer if you want to throw that in the oven- I mean it's perfectly reasonable and if he can't handle that then he's going to find life very very tough

Just teach him to make a sandwich? I think your expectations are a bit high and you risk making him feel unwelcome. If your DH doesn’t want him having a sandwich then he can sort the food.

If he is 15 and can't use an oven, be left alone gets teary if asked to be considerate, then he is being neglected by his mother and father - these are basic life skills and part of growing up. How is he going to cope in 2 or 3 years time when he needs to work and live independently, it is ridiculous.
If his mother won't help him then get his father to teach him how to use the oven, and once he's been shown then he can d o it himself (If he claims to have forgotten have it written out and pinned up near the oven so he has no excuses.) he also needs to know how to use washing machine, dish washer etc so Dh could show him those as well. I'm sure DS won;t plead incompetence when it comes to learning to drive. He's claiming incompetance because he's lazy and someone else has always done it for him.

If he cries when asked to let you know (seriously WTF ???) ignore it, just say briskly 'no need to make a fuss, just take on board what you are being asked to do.'

Just stop pandering to this nonsense, let him cry and meltdown - no one died of crying, And when he has pulled himself together re iterate what he needs to do. Your DH really needs to step up to the plate and teach his son some basic skills.