Best/worst/untraceable revenge

[namechangeforwrongdoing]

Just tell me the best (worst?) but most untraceable acts of revenge/comeuppance that you've heard....Asking for a friend.....

[TheTuesdayPringle]

I've been on the receiving end of revenge. We were living in an apartment when new neighbours moved in next door. The mother worked nights and her teenage daughters would party through the night while unsupervised which caused us a lot of unhappiness as we were unable to sleep.

I tried asking them to keep the noise down, then talking to the mum and eventually the landlord who gave them a warning.

They retaliated by sending us taxis and pizzas at all hours.

Then they had a huge party, the place was swarming with teenagers, and noise control shut it down. The girls knew they'd gone too far and slid an apology letter under our door begging us not to tell the landlord.

I promptly forwarded it to the landlord and they were evicted same day.

[TheTuesdayPringle]

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I can't speak for Kingsley Amis, but we were at a family member's graduation ceremony where his son Martin and two other well-known, highly-regarded men were being awarded honorary degrees at the end.

Two of the three gentlemen gave very pleasant, brief, witty, gracious, self-deprecating speeches about what a privilege it was for them, and really added a positive vibe to the whole proceedings. The third one came on last and gave a bitter, awkward, rambling, tangential monologue (he sounded quite tired and emotional to me, but I may have entirely misconstrued that) about how honoured the uni should feel for a person of his immense stature to deign to accept their little bauble, or words strongly to that effect.

Of course, I'm most certainly not saying or giving any clues whatsoever as to which of the three men was Martin - just commenting that he was there on that day.

It's pretty well known that Martin Amis is a very unpleasant man.

[TheTuesdayPringle]

@FanFckingTastic

Poo is always good for revenge. A poo in the post is a good one - beautifully wrapped of course, so that there is the excitement of opening a lovely surprise before the big, rather stinky reveal. Just a little poo smeared on the inside of a door handle (car, house, wherever really) is also good. Not enough for you to see it but just enough so that it gets on the fingers, and then everwhere else that's been touched, before they realize. A smear of poo on the toothbrush, a sprinkling of poo in the hairbrush.... I think the best one is decent size poo tucked inside a shoe so that when the foot is pushed in it gets a lovely squishy welcome. You can really have fun with the poo-theme.

Seriously don't do this, it's a criminal offence.

[QuimKardashian]

@CoRhona

The best revenge is living well.

Boring but true

Every day since my cheating husband left 30 years ago

Every day

[ChickenNugget11]

For an ex: they were getting new upstairs carpet fitted as we were breaking up. Whilst there was no carpet down I unscrewed a floor board and inserted an analog alarm clock. The ones where it would go off for 1 minute ever 12 hours unless you turned it off. Carpet was fitted. It could be heard upstairs and downstairs because it was in the cavity. Knowing she'd have to destroy her new carpet gave me thrills.

To a letting agent:

I put in a gdpr request, they had to contact over 100 branches of their national chain asking for data. I'd only ever let off that one branch though. And I never went and picked up what they produced.

[Cowbells]

The genuinely best revenge is a serious upgrade. Partner treating you badly - choose someone kinder, cleverer, richer, better-looking, more successful. Same with friends. Choose brighter more successful ones who don't put people down. Apply for a job at a biog salary increase if your boss is bullying you.

People think, 'It's not that easy. I don't have the choice.' But we do. So whoever it is you are asking on behalf of OP may as well try. It can take time but the key thing is to choose always to upgrade. So when you run into them you are genuinely happier and thriving more than with them and the fault clearly lay with their judgement and behaviour, not you.

[EssentialHummus]

Cheating ex who was gaslighting and horrible for months and refused to move out of our shared flat... I came home in the middle of the day once while he was out, immersed his laptop in the bath for 20 minutes, dried it carefully and put it back where I found it.

[TheBrynGhost]

I have heard of a case of a DW writing in sharpie on her DH's back when he was asleep because she thought he was cheating and had lied saying he was single. It worked within two days. the GF realised he was a liar when she saw, 'This is my husband' written in 4" high lettersdown his spine (or where his spine was - DW removed it!)

[Cowbells]

If you want to take it even further, you could make the shittiest, 90s-animated-gif-filled, Geocities style website in misspelt Comic Sans for his business, complete with inadvertent bad reviews...
HI AND WECLOM TOO JAMIE'S ITTNERNET ONLINE WEB-SITE FOR MY ACCUNTING BIUSNESS !

@ILoveYourLittleHat - that is genius. If I ever need revenge...

[TheoMeo]

Can't help wondering if it's easier to move on and live life well after the act of revenge....

[Vebrithien]

Somewhat outing, but here we go.

I work with an older colleague, in a secondary school setting. She is renowned for not getting things gone on time, and then blaming other staff for it. She's made me cry before, but as she is much senior to me, there is nothing I could do.

Fire alarm, students outside, form tutors need to go and take the registers. I've just gone out as requested, for crowd control.

Students are now in their nice, neat form lines. I, plus several other members of staff who came out to help crowd control, am standing at the front. Colleague walks up to me, thrusts a clipboard at me, and utters the immortal line...

"Go and do something useful and take the register"

No-one else in the group is so directed.

I head off to the form group, to find a very bemused form teacher, who has already taken the register. Still, I complete it again, and hand it back.

Several hours later, during lunch, older colleague walks out in front of me. She's wearing a pencil skirt with a long split up the back. Only it has twisted, and you can see her bum.

I had 2 seconds to tell her.

But I didn't.

She walked out across the school.

[TheBrynGhost]

A friend tried to stymie her DH shagging in his van by backraking the smeg from her geldings foreskin and chucking it on the exhaust manifold of the van. The van stunk, he stunk, his clothes shoes and hair stunk.

Works with dog anal gland secretions and fox shit too I am reliably informed. Not that I was interested you understand

[Cowbells]

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I can't speak for Kingsley Amis, but we were at a family member's graduation ceremony where his son Martin and two other well-known, highly-regarded men were being awarded honorary degrees at the end.

Two of the three gentlemen gave very pleasant, brief, witty, gracious, self-deprecating speeches about what a privilege it was for them, and really added a positive vibe to the whole proceedings. The third one came on last and gave a bitter, awkward, rambling, tangential monologue (he sounded quite tired and emotional to me, but I may have entirely misconstrued that) about how honoured the uni should feel for a person of his immense stature to deign to accept their little bauble, or words strongly to that effect.

Of course, I'm most certainly not saying or giving any clues whatsoever as to which of the three men was Martin - just commenting that he was there on that day.

I have always loved the novelist Lee Child for telling this anecdote to a massive crowd. He was at school with Martin Amis and years later saw him at a literary party, bounced up to him and said, 'Hey remember me? We were at school together and we both ended up as novelists. What are the chances?' Amis replied, 'Hardly the same calibre,' and walked away. Child named a bitter, weedy little scrote in his next novel Martin Smallbone.

[DinosaurDiana]

I’ve heard the old one about running their toothbrush around the rim of the toilet.
But if you can pour milk in hard to find places, like under the mattress and in the base of the couch, it stinks when it goes off.

[TheWitchwithNoName]

Someone at uni had their exes name printed onto dodgy cards implying a sex line/ prostitute service and left them in phone boxes and under windscreen wipers, pub mirrors etc about 2 cards a month for a few years here and there. Not enough to result in a barage of calls so he would change the number.

^an ex boyfriend did this to me when I was 15 because I wouldn’t sleep with him. It was horrendous and the police got involved. My parents ended up changing our phone number.

[TobyLeRhone]

This is a really terrible one.

A "friend" of mine used to passive-aggressively bully me terribly when I was a teen. One day I got my much older brother to phone up her house and her dad answered and in a deadly serious voice, he made an appointment for an erotic massage with her. She was grounded for a month and was really upset about it. She was an absolute cow though.

[StayCalmX]

Ha ha ha!!!!

[ufucoffee]

@ElephantCup that's a brilliant story. I love subtle.

[StayCalmX]

Years ago i went out with a twin who was the shorter and less goodlooking of the two. Im short too. They were very tight as brothers though and probably still live together now!

The twin i dated used me to make himself feel superior, he really did. I wont go in to it all but i served one purpose; to make him less inadequate.

So for two years i sent his brother (anonymously) cards on valentines day, anonymously nominated his twin for awards, applied for invites in his name, applied for free merch in his name, put his name down for big openings, book launches, that kind of thing. Whatever came up that was convenient over a 2 yr period.

Doesnt sound much but i undid the feeling of superiority he got from undermining me for a year.

[ExhaustedGrinch]

A man my mum was going out with when I was 15 had let her down on her birthday saying he couldn't go out. My mum then went out drinking by herself and saw him in a pub with another woman and came home devastated. I went out and let all the tires down on his work van. Next day he, and several workmates, couldn't get to work until midday. Years later I saw him and told him what I did, he said he deserved it (which he did).

Ex boyfriend come home drunk and ended up pissing all over my clothes in my chest of drawers and promptly went back to bed to sleep. I was furious so I got his brand new (very expensive) trainers, put them in the bath and peed all over them! He couldn't understand why his trainers were wet the next morning but I did confess to him when he was in the laundrette washing all my clothes!

My upstairs neighbours were just annoying and would always do things to piss me off. Throwing cigarettes out the back window which burnt a hole in my sons trampoline, throwing all their sweet wrappers out the front window into my front garden etc When I asked about the cigarettes they claimed not to smoke despite the fact they were the only ones living above me AND I had seen them numerous times. So I ordered 1000 dandelion seeds (Cheap on Ebay) and sprinkled them on their beloved lawn when they were out, I also, every time they went out, would drizzle honey underneath their front doorstep so they would get invaded by ants.

Someone mentioned poo under car door handles but Vaseline works just as well and is harder to clean off, can also be smeared on windscreens/mirrors although that's potentially dangerous so I might not do that one. Could do it on their house windows then so they always look smeary

Could sign your ex up to several dating sites using pictures from FB (other social media), make it seem as legit as possible and then wait for someone to report back to the new GF.

If they have a garden they love then bleach would kill off a lot of things but could also be obvious (the smell) but you could also sprinkle loads of cuttings of mares tail (a weed) all over the garden and hope it takes hold, it's an absolute nightmare to get rid of.

Ideally you want something that causes inconvenience, has maximum impact but is a "one off" because you don't want to actually harass someone long term, it's not worth the consequences. If you really want to go that extra mile, if he has a male landlord then get into a relationship with him and raise your exes rent

[Abhannmor]

@SusieQ5604

In a small town near mine, the wife superglued her cheating husband's penis opening shut. He had to be taken to the hospital to get opened back up again.

That could cause serious illness if he was unable to urinate. Septicaemia? She sounds a bit psychotic tbh !

[Milkandhoney888]

So my OH told me about the maggot trick, you wait for the occupant to go out, chuck a handful of maggots through the letter box, they will seek the dark and go under skirtings ect, and there you have it, a fly infestation

[Wimpund21]

@ExhaustedGrinch not sure whether I should be impressed or scared to be honest. Backing away slowly...

[IronTeeth]

@elQuintoConyo

Still had keys to the flat.
Ex-bf went on a two week holiday.
Ex-gf went in one day one, rang the American speaking clock, left the phone off the hook for two weeks.

Not me. Friend in the late-80s.

Of course she did....
I heard this from a friend as well, and in a magazine

[ExhaustedGrinch]

@Wimpund21 Don't be scared, I'm having absolute HELL with my neighbour right now so I'm currently plotting and planning against him so everyone else is safe for the time being