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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are parents?

30 replies

Upallnight91 · 22/06/2021 19:36

Posting here as I need to know if its just me being hormonal and wrong or if parents need to realise they may be in the wrong.

DS is 3 and has become very unruly, kicking, punching, smacking, he doesn't listen, plays people off one another and has become very demanding and screams if he doesn't get his own way. It's probably his age but every attempt made to correct his behaviour is met with him laughing thinking its funny.
The problem lies in that my parents look after him and they have in the past let him do whatever he wants. They have not corrected his behaviour and ALWAYS just stick the TV or mobile on to make him quiet. They give him sugar loaded juice, fizzy drinks, crisps and all manor of junk. Don't get me wrong it's fine the occasional time but this is everytime he's with them. They watch him for a few hrs (he has lunch, afternoon snack with them until either DH or I finish work). I'm grateful they are helping us out with childcare but I would have thought they would at least see that the sugar and constant TV time is affecting his behaviour. He is great when he has healthy snacks, meals, isn't glued to a screen. Ive tried explaining this too them, which my mum went well its only for a few hrs (he comes home watching a video my dad's phone every single time), he likes crisps, we like to spoil him. And then in the same moment complaining that DS behaviour ' is not right'. They have a go at me for pretty much everything and always turn any concerns I have back on me. (This is with anything not just DS).
This has negative results at bedtime as he's just wired, but they don't have to deal with it so it isn't their problem..

I'm at a loss... AIBU and should let it go or should I try and sit them down again and explain?

OP posts:
CoolCatTaco · 22/06/2021 19:41

Pay for proper childcare.

Forestdweller11 · 22/06/2021 19:41

I think the standard response will be don't use them for childcare.

LIZS · 22/06/2021 19:41

Pay for childcare then you can control what he is fed and does more. It is unlikely to be just due to this though.

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/06/2021 19:43

I'd be stopping the childcare arrangements and looking at alternatives where they can respect your wishes and not fill your child up on sugar.

ludothedog · 22/06/2021 19:47

Use proper childcare and they can go back to being grandparents

NeverMetANiceOne · 22/06/2021 19:50

Yup, paying for childcare is the only way around it if they won't listen.

TotorosCatBus · 22/06/2021 20:03

Pay for childcare so this isn't a problem

HelpingJane · 22/06/2021 20:07

Pay for childcare and it's no longer an issue. If this is having such a bad affect on your child why wouldn't you?

Babynames2 · 22/06/2021 20:14

Pay for childcare. They aren’t going to change no matter what you say because they’re choosing to give in for the easy way out of dealing with his behaviour. And they will uk time blame you as the parent for the way he behaves, because they enjoy spoiling him and not dealing with the tantrums. Way easier just to pay for childcare.

mrsbitaly · 22/06/2021 20:22

Childcare is of course your best option but I understand it can be expensive so not always an option for some.

You really need to work together. You need to be absolutely clear that you know its only a short time he's there and they like to treat him but his behaviour is becoming a concern and that you want to work on it with their support. If they still refuse unfortunately you will need to look at alternative options as it's really not fair on you or your child.

Disneyforever1974 · 22/06/2021 20:30

I would use paid childcare because your parents are not meeting your sons needs. There is nothing wrong with putting a film on after picking him up if he no longer naps and needs quite time but does it have to be on a phone and not the tv? Food wise can you supply all food and say he isn’t allowed anything else ( if you don’t want to use paid child care?

TwoLeftElbows · 22/06/2021 20:33

He's 3, he's being a threenager.

Children are very good at understanding that there are different rules in different settings. Sure it would be easier if there was more consistency but it's not impossible without. Be patient, consistent and clear with him at home and you'll get there with his behaviour at home.

If your parents dislike his behaviour, it's up to them to stop rewarding it on their watch. If not, it needn't stop you teaching him to behave well on yours.

ipswichwitch · 22/06/2021 20:34

I’d be going with a nursery or childminder. If he’s 3 you can get the 30 free hours childcare which will make it much more affordable. It’s not really helping you out if your DPs looking after him is having a massive impact on his behaviour is it?

MadMadMadamMim · 22/06/2021 20:41

He's 3. And his grandparents will spoil him. It's what they do.

If you want stricter rules you'll need to pay for childcare.

Rosegoldfan · 22/06/2021 20:43

I had this problem with my parents. Only they had my child all day. Ten years on its ok now. It will pass. If you can afford child care then do so. If not let it wash over you its not the end of the world.

LittleBearPad · 22/06/2021 20:44

Use proper childcare.

ChargingBuck · 22/06/2021 20:51

He is great when he has healthy snacks, meals, isn't glued to a screen.

Well this is encouraging, & you clearly know what your boy needs. PP have suggested paid child care, & I hope this is a viable option for you, because ...

Ive tried explaining this too them, which my mum went well its only for a few hrs (he comes home watching a video my dad's phone every single time), he likes crisps, we like to spoil him.

Given that they then moan about his behaviour, they are willfully ignoring the obvious cause & effect.
It's horribly undermining to you, & I'm sorry you are having to endure it, you must be so frustrated.

I dont think there is any further 'explaining' you can do to GP's who are deliberately refusiing to listen to you, & who excuse their own shortcomings so blithely while blaming YOU for the fallout in DS's behaviour!
Are you able to arrange alternative childcare?
If so, don't worry about telling GP's the ins & outs - just present it as "better for his social development to be with other kids" blah blah.

This is not an argument you are going to win with words, it's going to have to be actions.

airbags · 22/06/2021 20:55

Time for proper childcare.

Mollylikestodance · 22/06/2021 20:59

My parents used to look after one of my DCs and I had enough for this reason. The amount of sugar was impacting our child immensely and ruining bedtime/our evening to the point where it was really hard for my husband and I.

Now I pay for childcare and they see my kids once a week with us all there and can spoil them occasionally as grandparents like to do.

Pay for childcare. That's all I can say. This starts now with sweets/screen time but will only get harder when they get older ('grandma lets me do this' etc.)

Rainbowsew · 22/06/2021 21:00

This is why parents as regular childcare doesn't work if they don't understand the boundaries/rules that give him a well rounded stable childhood. Their attitude would be fine if it was just a Sunday afternoon or the odd day out but regular childcare needs regular routine.

You could try again by saying that they recognise poor behaviour in him and its a direct result of junk food, TV and a lack of discipline.

Otherwise it's nursery or a childminder to play "bad cop" and they go back to being spoiling grandparents....

sanityisamyth · 22/06/2021 21:45

Parent your own child. Use formal childcare if you need to.

TheMotherlode · 22/06/2021 21:53

I have the same issue with MIL, DD spends two days a week with her and is well cared for but pretty much just has constant TV and sugary snacks all day. DH and I have tried talking to her about it, tried providing healthy food and it just isn’t getting through. So I’m putting DD into full time nursery. It’s going to be cripplingly expensive but we’ll just deal with it until she goes to school. Sorry OP, it’s really frustrating, but if you’ve tried speaking to your parents and they aren’t listening your only option really is to cut down/ cut out their childcare time.

Original poster
Upallnight91 · 23/06/2021 12:22

Thank you all for your replies.
Should have mentioned that DS was in nursery up until a couple months ago. We were paying nearly £900 a month and due to their policy regarding covid he was being sent home when he had even the slightest sniffle. I was constantly having to leave work and therefore lost wages. It was leaving us in dire financial difficulty. Hence my parents offering to help out.
I have been in touch with other childcare places this morning and all full. The only place I have been offered is a morning space, so we are going to still going to be in the same scenario, but going to take them up on the offer. He is a very bright young boy and I think part of the issue is not being stimulated enough and given the chance to work things out for himself (he likes to try things himself - obviously within reason!)
Have sat parents down again and explained the impact it is having at home, there were a few huffs and puffs from them. But they have since witnessed the affect of saying no and sticking to it. So I'm hoping the decipline can be constant now.
I have also explained to them that I honestly do not mind him watching TV or having the occasional snack, but limit it.

I'd just like him to realise that it isn't ok to behave disrespectfully and for it to be constant.

Thank you all for your replies though and I'm glad to see that others have been in similar situations too.
Have taken the rest of the week off to be with him and see if some one on one time will help.
Thank you again.

OP posts:
Gullible2021 · 23/06/2021 12:32

Have you looked into childminders? Or "Mother's Help" which are still advertised for?

Stompythedinosaur · 23/06/2021 12:46

I think the difficulties are more likely a stage than due to the way gps are looking after him.